Appreciation

For the past couple of days, I’ve been feeling this ever-familiar feeling of no motivation coupled with the ever-destructive feeling of not caring.  As finals are approaching, I find myself with little to no motivation to study.  A part of me would like to say “screw it” and just not even try, but another part urges me to buckle down or else I am going to be kicking myself for it later. 

As finals here are worth 50 percent of my final grade, I find myself in a panic, full of anxiety about not being able to tackle this seemingly huge feat in front of me.  I find myself in fear, fearful of not passing my classes, which would be not only devastating but a pretty big waste of time and money.  Sure, I am abroad and have had all of these amazing experiences but my parents are paying lots of money for me to go to school here too.  Inevitably, all of this stress and fear of failing is combining and resulting in a feeling of almost paralyzing and overwhelming fear.

 This semester, I know I have not been the typical “A” student I have been in the past and I’ve justified this by saying that school is not my focus while I am abroad.  But I’m realizing I may have taken this too far and I know now that though my time abroad has been a lot about discovering myself and having all these awesome adventures, it wouldn’t be a true study abroad experience without the actual “study” aspect.    This whole semester has been a blur of amazing experiences, but with this there has come somewhat of a price to pay.

 It feels like I honestly have not done any schoolwork since I’ve been in New Zealand.  Now, that isn’t the case, but compared to the amount of work I would have back home it’s nothing.  I’ve managed to pass all my assignments but just passing has left me with the added pressure of having to do fairly well on all my final exams.  I feel like I’m playing catch-up for the entire semester and having to actually learn all this material in a matter of weeks.  And the fact that a whole month is dedicated for finals adds to my procrastination and makes the stress and anxiety endure much longer than I would like. 

It’s always been hard for me to focus on one thing at a time and to not get overwhelmed with everything I have to do.  When I lose my focus and get wrapped up in a whirlwind of all the material I have yet to study, I literally want to curl up into a ball and attempt to shut out and forget about what I have to do.  I inevitably end up sabotaging myself in the process and end up more stressed. 

I know that if I just take it one topic, one subject at a time I will be much more successful than getting overwhelmed with all the material I have yet to learn.  And at the end of the day, I know all I can do is my best.  I know it is my fear of failure that makes me believe I am destined to fail but realistically I know if I simply put the work in I will be successful. 

I know that the stress and anxiety does nothing but make things worse and I also know that in order to relieve these feelings, I need to actually sit down and start chipping away at studying.  So that is what I have been doing, but I am struggling to actually retain the information.  My first final is in less than one week and even though I have done a good amount of studying for it, I still feel as though I am nowhere near prepared. 

You’d think this lack of preparation would urge me to sit down and study more but it in fact has had the opposite effect.  This lack of motivation, though it hasn’t had severe consequences yet, has been hugely affecting my work ethic.  But it’s time I stop putting off the inevitable and really crack down on studying. 

I need to keep reminding myself that even though studies have not been my top priority abroad, this is still a very important aspect of my time abroad.  I came here to learn both in and outside the classroom and I need to pass these classes not only for the transfer credit but for my own peace of mind.  I want to succeed and I want to do well and in order to do so I know I need to start putting in this work.

 With this, I know that I cannot work myself into a frenzy and sacrifice my own sanity, so I need to balance this work with periodic breaks, whether that be a short walk or just taking a moment to breathe and meditate.  My sanity and well-being is way more important than how well I do in school but I also know how much I do care about school. 

Everything is a balancing act, balancing work with keeping a sane and peaceful state of mind, balancing lack of motivation with the reminder that it will all be worth it in the end, and balancing the lack of care with the reminder that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and to not care is to let this experience pass me by.  I came to New Zealand to discover myself, and I would like to say that I’ve done that but if I am going to be honest, it hasn’t quite happened the way I’ve wanted it to. 

It’s been a process and being abroad has dramatically changed a lot of things in my life but I am realizing that everything, every challenge every struggle is truly a process and going to some foreign country may not rid me of that but it has forced me to deal with and work through them.  I know I struggle to fully appreciate everything I have at a given moment and maybe that’s the key to this whole school thing, truly appreciating this opportunity to learn just for the sake of learning and in a foreign and beautiful place, like New Zealand, nonetheless.

Home Away From Home

This past week I went wwoofing for a wonderful Kiwi family in the beautiful and majestic Waitaki Valley.  Immediately, I knew I had picked the right family.  As I waited at the bus stop, a woman called out asking if I was Anna and greeted me with a warm, welcoming hug, instantly soothing my nerves.

 I had been slightly nervous about this experience, going away on my own, living with a family I had never met and really putting myself out there not knowing quite what to expect.  What I found was truly a home away from home.  The Tyrrell family welcomed me into their home with open and loving arms, making me feel apart of the family.  It was amazing to see the hospitality that a stranger can give to another stranger and the unique bond that comes from this simple gesture. 

They had welcomed me into their home in exchange for 4 mere hours of work each day, which consisted of painting closet doors.  A seemingly simple task, but one that requires careful and precise movements, I came to find myself quite enjoying the meditative, peaceful state it put me in.  Time seemed to fly by so quickly and I found myself meditating on the seemingly simplistic aspects of life. 

In a warm and loving environment such as it was, I felt myself enveloped in this cloud so full of love the entire week.  Their house was nestled in a beautiful, peaceful valley, with snow-covered mountains in the backdrop, a picturesque place where I found much peace, rest and tranquility.  Interacting with the family felt effortless and natural, almost as if I were a relative visiting for a couple of days.  I felt myself opening up to these seemingly strangers and effortlessly conversing with them. 

I had some of the best conversations with Amber, the mom, and the conversation between us felt completely natural.  She had much wisdom and love to share and it was absolutely amazing to hear about some of her life experiences and the spiritual journey she has been on.  This week was like a breath of fresh air, as it gave me the chance to converse on a higher spiritual level than I’ve been able to in a while.  We were able to talk about things like meditation, near-death experiences, finding the God within and truly living out your life purposefully and meaningfully.  It was amazing to be apart of this opening up process and experiencing this higher-level connection with someone who was previously a stranger. 

 

With any experience though, I find myself wondering what was lacking.  This experience was not about getting my hands dirty and really immersing myself into the farming environment nor was it about waking up at the crack of dawn and working till dusk.  It was of a different, unique type, one that I am overall very thankful for. 

Although I did not get the hands-on experience of working with farm animals, I do believe this was a good starting point.  It was a nice way to ease myself into the wwoofing scene in a way that has urged me to seek out more opportunities and challenge myself to try out new things, things I may initially be unsure of. 

This experience gave me something I didn’t quite know I needed.  It gave me a break from the mundane routine of everyday life.  Being surrounded by a family so full of love and kindness made me appreciate the family I do have back home.  There have been a handful of times while I’ve been abroad where I’ve longed to be with my family. 

Being with a Kiwi family, in a way, substituted for the family that I haven’t had while I’ve been here.  It was nice just to be surrounded by that love that so often goes unnoticed and unappreciated in a family.  Being with the Tyrrells made me appreciate my family and look back on all the times we’ve shared with fondness and appreciation.

 I am so thankful to have had this experience, not only this past week but of these past 4 months.  It’s all too often the case when I am unable to appreciate what is directly in front of me whether it be the amazing beauty of New Zealand or the love of a family.  Although I long to be near to my family and long to be back home every now and then, I stop myself because I know that once this moment is gone I will long to have it back as well. 

Everywhere I go I’ve been seeking to really appreciate and soak up each and every moment for I know once it is gone I can’t get it back.  I’m slowly working toward being content and satisfied with what I have and what I am experiencing in this moment, not reaching toward the future or delving back into the past.  

All I have is right now, this moment and I can choose to check out and miss out on all the beauty and love right in front of me or I can consciously choose to remain present with all the love and bliss that surrounds me at all times.  This love is within me and accessible at all times and all that is needed is to make the choice to access this true state within me and let go of all the worry and fear.  So in this moment, I choose to return to this state of love and align myself with all that is good for in this moment all is well and all is just as it should be.

No Regrets

As I’ve slowly begun to get back into my meditation practice, I have noticed some resistance.  This resistance comes from the ever-racing mind that rarely ceases to quiet and sink into the background for even one moment of peace and calmness.  My mind is simply not used to the quiet of sitting in stillness and has been fighting to maintain its grip, by flooding me with thought after thought, worry after worry. 

As I sat in my meditation this morning, the same anxiety, the same pattern of racing thoughts resurfaced until I was unable to even enjoy the brief moments of silence. Getting back into my meditation practice has been nothing short of a struggle and I am regretful of not keeping up with my practice while I have been abroad.

Sitting in my brief meditation today, a simple thought floated to the surface.  How would it feel to live a life with absolutely no regrets? How would it feel to simply leave the past behind, accept what you did and did not do, and move freely, uninhibited into the present moment? I feel like I’m consistently struggling to maintain a grip on the now, without feeling drawn into the past, for what it was and was not.

 To live a life of no regrets would mean to accept the past for what it was and was not, accept the situation for what it was and was not, and simply learn from these past experiences in order to enhance growth and fulfillment in the now.  But, the mind ever struggles to allow this simple, effortless process of letting go to take place and instead fights even harder to maintain its grip on things. 

 

Instead of regretting the past and wasting time dwelling on what went wrong why can’t we simply acknowledge these shortcomings or mistakes in our past and learn from them?  It sounds so easy and yet it is all too common to repeat the same cycle, never learning, never growing. 

Maybe it is easier to dwell on the past rather than actually taking the initiative and changing these maladaptive patterns.  For these patterns are what we know, what we are used to and to sway from them would be a journey into the unknown, the unfamiliar.  But to keep repeating them would be an even bigger disservice to ourselves and to others. 

Looking back on my time in New Zealand, I would like to say that I have no regrets and for the most part I do not.  But a part of me, the part that continues to pick at the past, obsessing and analyzing and fretting over what was and what could have been persists.  My regrets revolve around me getting in the way of myself. 

This struggle of mine has persisted here in New Zealand.  My anxieties, my insecurities, my fears have continued to block my path at times, preventing me from being fully present and able to enjoy the moment right in front of me.  However, the times that I have managed to keep this presence have been some of the best that I have had in New Zealand and in my entire life at that.  When I have been able to let go of my racing thoughts and get out of my head, I have been able to thoroughly take in my surroundings and soak up the experience and people around me. 

Though my meditation practice has been somewhat non-existent since coming to New Zealand, I’ve found myself slowly acquiring the ability to draw myself back into the present as I go about my day.  This growing sense of awareness of what I am experiencing in the now has dramatically enhanced my experiences lately. 

This past weekend, I traveled to Lake Tekapo and Mt. Cook with a group of friends and I can honestly say it was one of the best weekends to date.  The reason for this exists in the fact that for the majority of the weekend I was able to maintain presence with each experience and resist the urge to be pulled into the ramblings and worries of the mind. 

I was able to continually bring myself back to the present and because of this I fully experienced all the beauty and wonder that surrounded me.  I was even able to enjoy the seemingly unenjoyable, from camping in the snow and raging wind to taking a dip in the freezing, but beautifully blue lake water of Lake Tekapo.  And I can honestly say that I came out of this weekend with no regrets and only a desire to return to this state of awareness.

I think I’m finally beginning to understand that all I truly have at any given time is what lay directly in front of me.  I can’t waste my time or energy or sacrifice my happiness dwelling on what could have been.  All I can do is move forward with awareness and presence in each moment and simply breathe in all that is around me.  Living a life of no regrets means accepting the past for what it is, simply allowing the thoughts and worries about what could have been pass on by, learning from past mistakes and moving forward into the present moment, breathing in all that life has to offer.  

Reclaiming the Adventure

It has begun to sink in that the end of my time here in New Zealand is approaching faster than I ever expected.  I have a little more than a month left before my family arrives and we set off in a campervan on a tour over the south and north islands.  Although this gives me more time to soak up all that I can of New Zealand, my time with the friends I have made and people I have met is ever-approaching the end.  

Over the past month or so, I’ve successfully gotten down my routine, my schedule of day-to-day living.  Sure, there have been plenty of spontaneous day and weekend trips mixed in but mostly it’s been back to the mundane routine of classes and studying.  Sinking into this routine, I’ve found myself not seeking out the opportunities that are all around me.

 I’ve begun to get a bit too comfortable in the routine and I feel as though I have not been taking full advantage of all that New Zealand has to offer recently.  At the beginning of my journey, I was all about ‘seizing the day’ and exploring this new and exciting place.  As time has gone on, this feeling of adventure has diminished a bit and a huge part of me is dying to have this feeling of spontaneity and freedom back. 

I feel like there are two parts of myself, dueling with each other right now: the home-body, the part that is more than happy staying close to home, near the comforts and secureness of the routine and the other part that got me to New Zealand in the first place, the adventurous, spontaneous side of me.  The two have been in conflict with each other lately, especially this past week as I have been considering going wwoofing in two weeks.

 Now, let me first explain what wwoofing is.  It stands for “Willing Workers On Organic Farms” and is a world-wide operation.  Specifically in New Zealand, Kiwi families allow “wwoofers” to stay in their home and eat meals with them in exchange for labor (farming, weeding, cleaning, building, doing chores around the house, etc.).   It is a great way to get the real Kiwi experience as well as the experience of living and working on a farm.

Now, I have little to no experience working on a farm but still, this opportunity sounds like an overall great, learning experience.  It entices me not only for this reason but for the adventure it brings.  I feel like I need to do something like this, something pretty far out of my comfort zone, in order to bring back the sense of adventure I felt at the beginning of this journey.  Sure, I am nervous about what exactly this experience would entail but I keep getting this gut, intuitive feeling that this is something I need to do while I am here.  It would be all too easy to let this opportunity pass me by, but I know that if I don’t do this, I will regret it. 

I have been seeking out families to wwoof for these past couple of days and so far I have had no luck…the busy season is starting up and things are booking up quickly.  But I plan to keep pursuing it and keep trying.  I can’t even imagine the experience I would have doing something like this and I know I would come out so much more knowledgeable, experienced, and confident in my abilities to travel on my own.   I have been struggling to maintain a confidence in my abilities recently, but I know that the experience and adventure that awaits is well worth the risk.  It is time that I reclaim this sense of adventure and push past the fear and insecurity for I know that what awaits on the other side is yet another experience of a lifetime.