Time is a peculiar thing. To think we have so much of it, to live our lives at a leisurely pace, wasting away the precious moments that we will never get back. But, to be in a state of constant urgency to fill the day up until the last minute is to overarch into the other end of the gamut. To find that middle ground, that tipping point between living each moment, each day to the fullest and simply counting the minutes until the long, dreaded hours of the day waste away. Thus, is the balancing act of life, to reclaim the innate privilege of young, wild and free.
When I was young, the notion of time was irrelevant to the vein of my existence. Nowadays, I find myself a slave to the clock more than I would like. Planning each day down to the last minute, I structure my day according to the "to do" list, leaving little time to catch my breath. Literally racing from one event to the next, I move about my day in a blur, not quite sure how I got to my next destination, preoccupied by the stress of running late…again. I'd like to think of myself as a punctual person, but I have developed a nasty habit of being about five to ten minutes late, which does nothing more than increase my stress and make me prone to unsafe driving whizzing through traffic. These past two months have literally flashed by in a blur, full of significant changes in the course of my path to come. The ongoing busyness of work, devoting half my week to working at the group home, the other half to the school. And, in between, filling the gaps with as many articles and freelance assignments as I can mange. What began as a a good kind of busy has slowly transformed into a wear and tear sort of busy, one that leaves me dragging at the end of each day, wishing for one day to do absolutely nothing. Of course, that day never comes because I wouldn't allow it.
Having progressed out of the "honeymoon" phase of my job, I find myself feeling a bit more drained, emotionally and physically. Working with these kids, though satisfying and extremely rewarding, is definitely no easy task. It takes nearly all the energy I have to devote the attention to these attention-deprived kids, but I've noticed this worn-out demeanor taking over these past couple of weeks, preventing me from being present. Initially, I felt a sense of passion and excitement at the prospect of being a kid again, in a way, living out the years I missed out on when I was young, already consumed by the eating disorder. Being with these kids has given me a chance to reclaim my youth and to redeem these "lost" years.
But, I am beginning to realize that if I am going to continue down this career path like I intend to, I need to learn to recognize my limits and boundaries. To know when to take a step back and protect myself from getting sucked into the bottomless pit of emotions that comes with this kind of job, to really start utilizing the self-care tools I hardly ever use. Otherwise, "Ed" will most definitely creep back in. And, in all honesty, he's still been hanging around here and there, mostly in the form of binging, which isn't glamorous by any means but it beats the full-blown eating disorder black hole. It still seems to be my way to self-sooth after a day, a week of nonstop activity.
Aside from the job, I will be moving in less than a week into a house with a good friend of mine and another girl. These past few weeks I've felt myself pulling away from my family, not really attempting to spend time with them, not that I am around all that much to do so anyways. But, this urge to be independent, on my own, in my own space, has been coming to the surface, causing me to be a little more agitated than normal when I am at home.
I am extremely appreciative of my family and all that they've done for me, allowing me to stay with them rent-free, but I also think I'm ready to stand on my own two feet. Nearly a year after graduating, I feel rooted and grounded enough in my job and in myself to plant my roots in my own home. It may not be as glamorous as I hope for, paying my own bills, but I feel like it's time.
It seems that change comes in waves, sometimes pounding ones that you didn't see coming or inevitable ones you've been resisting for some time. Other times, slow, rolling waves that still aren't quite comfortable but gentle enough to ease into. Looking back over this past year, since graduating less than a year ago, I still can't fathom all that has happened, leaving me in a crazy, emotionally-draining, yet fueling and recharging time warp.
Yes, time is a strange thing. To think I have my whole life ahead of me, to live out my life, to finally take responsibility for each day, allowing the "perfect" schedule to slip by the wayside and allowing the flux of daily bumps and turbulence. To live for today, present and aware of the beauty in each moment, undefined by time.
I'm learning each day to let others in, to let a particular relationship unfold as it so needs to, in the time and manner it needs to run its course, whatever that may be. But, to enjoy the moments getting to know another person on this level of intimacy and allowing that person to see me, my wounds, my heart. Still fearful of entering into this foreign domain, unaware of what is to come, but attempting to let go of expectations and doubts. Going back in time now, to reclaim the lost years of my youth, letting go of the fears, living each day as it comes, young, wild and free.
