And, that is just it: letting the wisdom and strength of the heart guide my actions and allowing it to be the inner compass to recalibrate back to the now, over and over. That has and will in all honesty, continue to be my life-long practice. And, what better way to jump start my teaching than to do so in the heart, the center of transformation. It is within the heart that we find the spaciousness to hold, to sit with, and to eventually integrate and transform even the seemingly most polar opposites of the mind. As my teacher would say, the heart has no problem with polarities or opposition. It's the mind that says you have to pick one and stick to that form, whether in thought, feeling, belief or action. The heart knows in its infinite wisdom that grace exists in the space between the polarities, between the inhalation and the exhalation, the exchange between two opposing forces. In this space, there is flexibility, freedom and choice. And, softness.
For me, the journey back into the heart is a constant one, one I would like to say is getting easier and maybe it is in terms of realizing there's truly no end goal or state to be achieved. Much like yoga, I'm settling into the deeper knowing that yoga: union, bliss, enlightenment, remembrance of Self, isn't a state to be achieved or attained by means of arduous practice. Not to say things like asana, meditation, or other various forms of conscious practice have no purpose, because they so greatly enhance and expedite the process and journey of remembrance. But, through my own practice and intentionality on the heart space, it's become clearer that each breath is merely an invitation to re-member, to come back into the sacred temple of the body, to the moment, with heartfelt acceptance, compassion and love.
It's the practice of becoming conscious time and time again when our default is to go unconscious, on autopilot, especially in times of boredom, mundaneness, discomfort, or habitual checking out. But yoga invites us to do otherwise, to cultivate the opposite, to check in, instead of check out. To Show Up for what is, even the uncomfortable, especially the uncomfortable. To recognize and tend to the constant ebb and flow of thought and emotions, but to not be swept along for the ride. Showing up doesn't mean surrendering to the chaos of life but it does mean bringing vigilance in attention to the constant fluctuations of mood, thought and feeling. And, as overwhelmed as the mind becomes by this task, the heart is ready, just waiting for us to call it to action.
My own journey back into the heart has been one marked by strife but also strides of freedom and reclamation. As someone who has lived the majority of her life living in the extremist, black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, the heart has invited me to experience, even if momentarily, the gray area, the space between two opposing forces. My extremist thinking has tricked me into believing that two options exist: binge or restrict, over-exercise or do nothing, anxiety-driven or depression-induced, perfection and rebellion. The polarities persist: the light and the dark, the ego and the Self…but the heart keeps on keeping on, each inhalation meeting the next exhalation. The effortless exchange between the two emanates from the heart space, inviting us to feel into any opposing force, to unite the two with consciousness in the heart and to offer it up for transformation.
Coming back into my heart and into my body (an ongoing process), I was met with "un-yogic" feelings, seemingly paradoxical to this center of love and compassion. What I saw and felt was anger, resentment, guilt, shame, fear, judgment, self-criticism and self-loathing. It has honestly been an overwhelming, frightening and sometimes debilitating process to continue to face and move through all this darkness and shadow. The shadow has been something I have pushed away, feelings I resisted by means of food or body abuse. I have resented it as a foreign entity invading and desecrating my temple, unwelcome for the mess that it made time and time again, by means of self-abuse with words, thoughts and actions.
But, little by little, I've come to realize that in order to heal and come back into wholeness, the shadow parts must be integrated and held in unconditional love and compassion. Not an easy thing by any means. Talk about seeing the worst parts of yourself day in and day out. Becoming conscious was one thing. But, no sooner did I start becoming aware of these shadowy parts of myself, that I met these dark parts with more judgment, self-criticism and hatred. So, yes I missed the mark on that, meeting myself, the whole of myself, the light and especially the dark, with love, heartfelt acceptance and compassion. But, it's a work in process. And, thank goodness my heart has never called it quits on this responsibility to show up for myself time and time again.
In the first sutra of the first chapter in the Yoga Sutras by Patanjali, it says:
"Atha yoga anushasanam" which translates as
"Yoga is NOW"
Now, it doesn't say anything about yoga being after you are able to come into full wheel or handstand, nor does it say after a state of perfection is attained, in any essence of the sense. This has been literally like someone knocking me over the head, sometimes over and over, that I've got it all wrong. Yoga is union, right here right now, perfect imperfection, acceptance of what IS, not what it should be, or what it should look like. That, in and of itself, has kind of unraveled and left me pondering all the things and "doing" nature I've mistaken for who I am, to prove my sense of worth, to attain acceptance from other or from this ideal I've created in my own mind. Patanjali says nothing about this. Enlightenment is now, not off in some cave or high mountain top after a ten-day vision quest or fast. Wholeness is nourished when you see who you really are, as you are, in this moment, accept what you see and heal what needs to be healed.
This has been pivotal on my journey and ongoing recovery from disordered eating and exercise addiction. To meet my body as it is, to move and love in this body, not in the ten-fewer-pounds body, or the body a month from now, when I've finally kicked the binging once and for all, or in the ideal image of perfection in my head (whatever that means). But, in THIS body. A constant practice, to re-member and breath deeply into this body, this moment, this feeling, to use exercise not in a way of self-abuse or another means to reject the body I have now, in hopes of a different one in the near future. But, to use food and exercise to heal and reclaim the body I am in right now. It means showing up for this body, with love, acceptance and compassion. And, when I do that, even if for a brief part of my day, man what a difference it makes. A welcoming softness and sweetness where rigidity has existed and ruled.
So, that is briefly (okay not so brief), but in short or long, this will be my teaching for my first yoga class (whew). To show up for what is, to attend to the breath and the heart. To remember that Yoga is NOW. To savor the sweet space between polarities. To lead if only for a few breaths, with the heart, instead of the incessant stories in the head. To let this inner compass guide your movements a little more each day. And, to do so with heartfelt acceptance, compassion and love. Atha Yoga Anushasam.
