A Life of Uncertainty

For me life has always been planned, arranged, and somewhat predictable.  Go to high school, get a diploma, then to college, get a degree....you get the gist.  I've always had a "plan" for my future, a pretty set agenda for how I want to live my life.  What I'm realizing is this: there is no such thing as having a plan for your life.  Sure, you can take certain steps, like going to college, to ensure the number of opportunities you will get in order to increase your chances of being successful.  But when does the planning stop and life begin? Maybe it begins when we want it to.  Maybe all this planning is just an illusion our ego uses to distract us from the present moment, from being who we are truly meant to be.

I find myself being seduced daily by the ego's drive to always be working toward something.  My ego makes me believe that if I just do X, Y, and Z, my life will fall into place.  Maybe my life has already begun to fall into place though and maybe my planning is just delaying the natural course of things.  Maybe I don't need a "plan" to secure my place in this world.

Doubts and second-guesses always seem to creep in though, yet another trick of the ego, and pull me into their dances.  I begin to question the past and second guess my "plans" for the future.  I begin to question things like am I really headed in the direction I want to be in life? Did I pick the right majors? Am I really ready to go to a completely different country to live for 6 months? Did I pick the right university, the right city, the right time to study abroad? I think you get the point.  My ramblings and evaluations of the past would lead into a whole other list of questions doubting my past actions.

Why is it that we must doubt ourselves yet latch onto future plans? I think it's because we've seen certain situations from our past play out negatively and attempt to do everything in our power in order to prevent these things from happening again.  But my planning does not save me from disappointment, nor does it save me from worry or anxiety.  If anything, the planning gives me more anxiety and fuels my OCD-like tendencies.

So maybe it's finally time to let go of all the planning, the obsessing and just live, even if this means living a life of uncertainty.  I think once I let go of the control my ego tricks me into believing I have, my life will flow a little smoother, a little more natural.   Life is fluid, always moving, always changing, and never a sure thing.  I think it's time to let go of the plans, the worrying, the obsessing, and just embrace the natural flow of life.