A Leap of Faith

As my feet edged closer to the ledge, I took one deep breath, threw my arms over my head, and hurled myself 43 meters off of the bridge.  What exactly was I thinking at that very moment? I cannot tell you.  All I knew was that there was no turning back.  And the funny thing was, I had no desire to.  I had come this far, worked up the courage to take this plunge, and for the amount of fear I had anticipated, I felt surprisingly calm.  

The excitement coursing through my veins was enough to get me over that ledge, and as I dove toward the brilliantly blue water of the river coursing beneath me, I realized that I had done it.  I had overcome my fear.

Never in all my life had I imagined myself willingly taking such a huge leap of faith.  It was as if I was a bystander, an observer of the whole scenario, simply watching this assured girl hurl herself off of the bridge.  It was as if I had floated out of my body, momentarily, gaping at the spectacle before me.  The best way to describe this experience is to compare it to that of a dream, a far off reality, but a dream so tangible and reachable all at the same time.

Since coming to New Zealand, this dreamlike feeling has enveloped me, leaving me with a sense of wonder and disbelief at where this dream has taken me thus far.  Before coming here and as much as I hate to admit, I did not view myself as the adventurous, go get em', live in the moment type.  Sure, I have imprinted myself with a tattoo as a subtle reminder of this motto I am ever-striving to live my life by, but this simple inscription on my shoulder has never felt real until now. 

 Living for today, in all its simplicity, has come to take on a whole new meaning for me.  I have already begun to notice a change in myself, a change I can say I have welcomed with open and excited arms.  I've noticed myself taking more chances, being more adventurous, and really living out this life mantra.  A simple mantra...yet one that takes conscience choosing and constant reminder.  

To live in the moment means to trust yourself fully and completely.  It means to trust the choices and chances you take each and every moment.  This trust extends into all aspects of life: trusting others, trusting God, trusting the universe, trusting the unseen, and finally and often times most difficult, trusting when the outcome, the result is not yet known.  

Yet, this ever-pervasive fear in our society and within ourselves has prevented us from fully embracing all that life has to offer.  We hold so tightly to this fear, whatever that fear may be, and we try to control each and every aspect of our lives.  This control gives us a sense of security but what is lost in the process is the natural flow of life.  We are meant to flow with life, trusting in every which way it sends us, but more often than not we are unable to loosen the tight grip.  We hold tightly to every routine, to everything that makes us feel safe, secure, stable.  

But each day this stability is compromised even by the slightest hiccup in our path.  So what do we do? We hold on even tighter.  But what would happen if we were to just let go?  To let go of this apprehension, this fear of not being in control?  I can say from experience that the feeling of not being in control is a scary feeling, so scary that I find myself fighting to regain my grip on anything I can get ahold of.

But what if I was to push through this initial fear?  Would I find myself trusting in the process as time went on?  In all honesty, I do not have the answers to most of these questions.  I think all that I can do is continue to acknowledge the moments when this fear arises and consciously choose to sit with that fear.  Then, in doing so, I can either choose to turn back or keep on going.  

As past experience has shown me, to keep on going, heading into the unknown, taking that leap of faith, has led to experiences far beyond my imagination.  Coming to New Zealand was a huge leap of faith in and of itself.  Not only that, but the experiences thus far have been far beyond the bubble of my comfort zone.  Each leap of faith I've taken has led to such a feeling of euphoria, accomplishment, and confidence that I can only trust that those to come will do that and more.  So in this moment, I choose to trust the path I have taken, to loosen the grip of control, and to keep moving, plunging ahead into the thralls of this spectacular adventure.

The Koru

The Koru is a Maori spiritual symbol meaning new life, creativity, personal growth and new beginnings.  This New Zealand fern plant represents the unfolding of new life, a subtle reminder that everything is reborn and continues.  It represents renewal and hope for the future.

The Koru is not only symbolic of this journey I am embarking on but of the life I have left behind.  Standing on the precipice, I left behind my family and friends as the fate of my home stood on the brink of disaster.  The Waldo Canyon fire swept through the foothills at a pace so rapid I am grateful for the life it did spare...the life of my family and friends.

The flames charged down the foothills behind my home, urging us to leave behind the majority of our material possessions.  I will never forget the image of the massive flames flickering in the rearview mirror as we drove away looking back on what would be the last view of our home and life as we knew it.  The fire took away my home, leaving behind only rubble and ash. The destruction this fire evoked will not be forgotten for many years to come.  The hiking trails I grew so accustomed to and maybe even took advantage of are now gone and exist only in my memory of life before the fire.

Leaving for New Zealand, not knowing if all was lost but expecting the worst, I drew upon a courage and strength I can only say came from something far powerful than I.  Fearful and unsure of what would happen to my family, I did all that I could do.  I put on a brave face, told them I loved them and walked to my gate without looking back.

Not knowing what I was leaving behind but knowing that what lay ahead could not wait any longer.  Going to New Zealand in the midst of all the destruction and hopelessness was nothing short of a challenge.  I boarded that plane, unsure of what I was leaving behind but sure of the fact that what lay ahead would restore the damage done.

I sit here now, two weeks into my journey and thankful of all that I have been given.  When something so precious and dear is taken away, new growth is just around the corner.  This journey has come at a time so precarious yet I do not for one minute regret taking this leap into the unknown.  I have lost a lot, but I have gained a lot as well.

So long have I waited for this opportunity to discover myself and to break free of the insecurities and doubts that have for so long plagued me.  The confidence I have felt these past few weeks since coming to New Zealand feels so right and yet so new.  For so long I've waited to shed these layers of fear and foreboding.  New Zealand has given me the opportunity for all that I've dreamed of: personal growth, self discovery, new beginnings and renewal.

The destruction of my home has left me with a sense of sadness and mourning, yet this despair has slowly transformed itself into an acceptance of that of which is beyond my control.  Life is constantly flowing, moving, transforming from moment to moment, leaving behind those who putter around, trapped in what has already happened and what cannot be undone.

 Life is ever changing, shifting and pulling us this way and that and our only job is to flow with life, acknowledging the moments when we resist and releasing this apprehension.  Change is inevitable and we can either put up a fight or welcome all that life has to offer just around the bend.  In this moment, I leave behind the destruction and rubble, welcome the momentous juncture of life's ever changing seasons and breathe in all that life has yet to unfold.