Remnants of the Past

As I sit here, almost two months into my journey abroad, I cannot help but reflect upon the past.  This weekend, I traveled to Christchurch, a city that was devastated by a 7.1 magnitude earthquake two years ago.  I was utterly astounded and saddened to see the destruction and rubble of the buildings and how downcast the city was.  It was a heavy feeling walking downtown, seeing hundreds of stores still closed and how big of a scar the earthquake left upon the city.  

It made me think about how long it can take to recover from something as devastating as a natural disaster and how the scars, the remnants of past experience never truly vanish.  I truly believe our past plays a significant role in shaping the present but how do we find the balance between the awareness of our past experiences and the temptation to linger in what cannot be undone?

Examining all that I have experienced thus far abroad, glancing over the pictures of the places I've been and the people I've met, I find myself lost in thought over the memories already made.  My time here is flying by in the blink of an eye, leaving me breathless and anxious to capture each and every moment. But lately, I've noticed myself not simply glancing back at what has already been but lingering in the past, fretting over what cannot be undone.  

I find myself holding onto the experiences, the memories, the good the bad, the struggles...the remnants of the past.  Though fragmented, these bits of my past still shape who I am.  But how do we define who we are today without holding too tightly onto our beliefs engrained in us at a young age?  How do we freely choose to be who we want to be and avoid being enveloped by our conditioned mind?  

I'm beginning to think that my past has more of a grip on me than I would like it to.  The old recordings, the shadows of my past seem to come flying at me, often times out of nowhere and almost always at the worst of times.  Being in New Zealand, I would like to say I have been able to completely strip myself of these old, self-sabotaging beliefs: the "you're not good enough" recording being the strongest.

This voice surfaces at times when I am feeling a bit off balanced, but not in the sense of a healthy balance.  It comes when I am struggling to control the eating, the exercising, the structure of my everyday life.  When this order is disrupted by external forces beyond my control or by my own doing, I find myself fighting against this bully in my head, who sits there shaking his head at me for being weak, for not living up to his impossible standards of perfection.  It is at times like these when I wonder if my past will always be this shadow trailing behind me, pestering me to turn around and confront it once and for all.  

Are these remnants of my past, these struggles: the eating disorder, the depression, the anxiety, that I've endured for so long ever going to leave me once and for all?  Are we all just victims of our past, trapped in an endless cycle of self-sabotaging behaviors and beliefs? The optimistic part of me would like to think not but when these beliefs, these all too familiar nagging voices reappear, it feels like I'm right back to square one struggling to remain present.   

Maybe, we all have these scars to remind us of where we've been, not where we're destined to go.  Maybe it is up to our own choosing as to how we let these scars influence us now, in the present.  Without these struggles, how would we grow after all?  Maybe it's about acknowledging our past, being aware of the scars we carry and forgiving ourselves for the pain we've caused ourselves and others.

 I'm beginning to think these remnants, these scars of the past are apart of us all, as a subtle reminder of the challenges we've had to face.  Yet, to hold onto these past struggles would be a disservice to ourselves.  In order to fully experience the life we have here and now, we must let go of the chains of the past that bind us, that keep us stuck.  

As always though, this ongoing process is easier said than done.  From my experience, I initially felt this weight lifted off of me upon coming to New Zealand.  For a good while, I no longer felt a cloud of depression over my head, nor did I feel the need to control or the feelings of insecurity and doubting.  And it felt good, better than good, to be free of these chains.  But, now I am realizing I tucked these chains away, for safe keeping, and now I am fighting to keep them detached.

Though I may not be ready to throw the chains away once and for all, I am ready to keep pushing on, each day, forging ahead to the best of my abilities.  When these negative thoughts arise, I shall work toward bringing awareness to them, but to not let them take ahold of me.  These thoughts are merely thoughts, beliefs I've grown accustomed to.  This process of breaking these patterns of self-sabotage and self-doubting is a long one but I remind myself with the simple notion that I am doing the best that I can, each and every day, and that in and of itself is enough.