Finding My Way Back

After weeks of procrastination and delaying the words I have yet to place on this screen, I have finally brought myself to this moment. It's funny how something so seemingly daunting can easily be taken on when the delaying has ceased to have its say. I can't always say why it takes so long in between posts to utter the words rolling around in my head, pestering to give them air to breathe.

If I had to guess, the lack of motivation, is probably the single biggest perpetrator. Feeling withdrawn, wallowing in my own muck, I find it easy to find the off switch to the outside world, building up the walls of isolation around me. The ups and downs, never ceasing to give me whiplash, have persisted as I go about the day to day routine. Some moments, I'm able to breathe and allow these passing moods to be just that. At other times, the moods reel me in, wrapping me up in their tight embrace.

The feelings consist of depression over my perceived lack of purpose and meaning, having little to no direction as to where I am heading or working toward, the anxiety over what I "should" be doing and the discrepancy between that and what I am doing (or not doing for that matter), the guilt over not being an enjoyable presence to be around with my family and making them put up with these passing moods, the shame and frustration over not being able to severe the ties with the eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and the list goes on. 

Sometimes, I think I have more control over these various moods and can simply choose to feel a different way, be more positive and optimistic but other times, it feels like these feelings reign over me and my behavior. I feel like I am constantly bombarded by these strong thoughts, feelings and urges and to fight, struggle and try to suppress them or get rid of them does nothing but make them come back even stronger the next time round. So, I try to simply accept them for what they are, temporary thoughts and feelings that will and do pass if I let them. 

But, I think my ego and analytical mind gets the best of me and I begin to dig even deeper into the whys and hows: why do I feel this way? How come I can't snap out of this funk? What is wrong with me? Am I defected? Then there's the guilt over feeling depressed or feeling anxious and thinking I really am defected, which leads to reaffirm the deep-seeded belief and corroborate the "I'm not good enough" and "I'm unworthy" affirmation. Yes, I know where this belief came from way back when my peers didn't accept me for the shy, introverted person I was but how can I move past this belief and stop it from ruling my life? When the urges to binge have come up these past couple of weeks, this belief seems to be the culprit, the self-sabotaging desire to punish myself and reaffirm this lack of self worth. 

Yet, all the while, a part of me remains, call it the true Self, the part that knows all of this is merely a drama staged by the ego, who's too wrapped up in the physical, mental and emotional world to be concerned with the intangible. The Self sees straight through the lies, the deception. Yet, finding my way back and listening to this voice is not always the easiest. I know it's there, and it always has been, patiently waiting for me to come back to it, to find the path beneath my feet, out of my head and into my heart. To refocus my attention on the love and blessings all around me, the simplicity of living and letting go, shedding the layers of the ego's drama-driven facade. 

To stake my claim on my own journey, my own path in this world, letting go of the need to compare and size up my success or perceived lack of to friends or co-workers, and realize that this path is my own, and theirs their own. To get caught up in the game of who is doing more, achieving more, is to only play into the ego's drama and reaffirm the belief of not being enough. The Self knows I am more than enough, just as I am, here and now. It knows its path, its journey, and needs not to look toward the path of someone else to belittle my worth. The Self knows how to bring me back into this heart center, the space where the physical, mental and emotional realms bear no weight. Returning to the path of love and trust, I meander my way back into this space time and time again, refusing to give up.