True Colors

You may know the person I speak of. She is your friend, your ally, your accomplice, your other half. She is your enemy, your bruised ego, your aching heart, your tears and sorrow. Her words are your words, her expression and beauty a mirror of your own, her soul a twin flame lighting the darkness of the world. 

I've known her all my life. She's known me at my worst and at my best. I can't say I've always appreciated the bond we shared but somehow, I knew this love was unlike any other I would ever experience, a blessing and treasured gift. She's grown to be someone I admire more than anyone else, for her strength, her courage, her resiliency, a free spirit soaring in the breeze and turbulence that is life. 

You may know her by another name, but she is one and the same. A sister to share the blood of your ancestors pumping through the web of veins, a common link between the generations. Her life is no mistake, as yours is no accident either. As sisters, you share an unmistakable, undeniable love unlike anything else. 

My sister is someone who loves with her whole heart, a courageous soul fighting for who and what she loves. With the beautiful words etched on her body, she has intended herself for a life of love, a path we all seek. Inscribed in Spanish, the words marked among images and designs of the night sky read: 

         

       "Haz lo que amas y ama lo que haces." 

                            Do what you love and love what you do.

A journey we all seek, to live the life we love. I find myself mulling over the concept of love and passion in terms of living out my life purpose, whatever that may be. Working at a group home with kids with special needs, I am beginning to grasp the possibility of finding my niche, my passion. 

I always thought I wanted to be a counselor, and maybe someday I will. But, life has other plans for me right now. When I look forward to going to work to interact with the kids, I know this is where I am supposed to be. I feel their stories of loss, hurt and abandonment seeping into my heart, pulling at my heart strings. Their presence in my life has awoken a love in me I haven't always been in touch with. They truly bring out the best in me, the caring, loving, patient parts that have struggled to find their say with the shadow of my fears, regrets and shortcomings. 

But, with the kids, I find myself existing in this space of authenticity and genuine love. And, I suddenly realize this is exactly what those words mean to me right now, at this point in my life. To find something I love and to do it with my whole heart is what I'm after, what I'm constantly seeking to find. And, maybe for now, I've found it. A place to open my heart to kids who are desperately in need of the love they have been cheated out of the majority of their existence. 

As my heart opens to the lives of these truly amazing kids, I know this is yet another, blessing and treasured gift. It is a chance that I have been given to learn more about loving without judgments, without conditions, without preconceived notions or expectations, opening my heart to loving freely and openly, letting my true colors shine out into my life to share with the world. 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God….” Corrie ten Boom

Coming back from two weeks spent in Ecuador…two weeks spent soaking in natural hot springs, trekking partway up a 19,000-foot volcano in a cloud of fog, touring a coffee plantation, seeing the world-renowned blue-footed booby (a Darwinian discovery) and drinking my body weight in fresh-squeezed mango juice, not to mention the plethora of delicious and salivating food (fried plantains and shrimp ceviche to name a few favorites)…only to return to subzero temperatures back home, a new sort of harsh culture shock.

Adjusting to "reality" has been a challenge and I find myself in a bit of a situationally-induced depression after coming off of the high of traveling. Over the course of our travels, I found myself able to loosen up and let go of the rigid exercise and food rules, able to enjoy my time with my family and go with the flow. It was a much-needed break from the day-to-day routine. 

A couple of days into my trip, I received an email from my boss (at the group home for adolescent boys with special needs that I am working part-time at) that a full time position had opened up. We proceeded to correspond about my interest in the position, which led to her seemingly informally offering it to me, which I was extremely ecstatic about. I felt as though things had finally fallen into place and it gave me a much-needed sense of peace knowing I had found something secure, stable. I was elated at the thought of landing a "real" job and finally moving past this awkward, uncomfortable limbo phase. 

The next day, at the same exact time that I was writing a postcard to the boys, I heard from my boss saying that she had decided to give the position to another girl who had been there longer than I had. I was devastated. A part of me had known all along it was too good to be true, after all I have really only been working there for about two months. But, another part of me felt like it was the perfect time. After processing her decision and coming to terms with again, being back in the limbo phase of waiting, I find myself coming back to this ever pervasive theme in my life: trust, or rather the lack there of.

This theme of trusting in the unknown, in God, in the universe, to let go of the fear that keeps me stuck in my ways and unable to look past the temporary discomfort of the unknown, keeps showing up time and time again. The situations that keep presenting themselves all go back to this lesson, to teach me that I can't keep holding onto these fears, the fear of the future, of not being in control, of not having a "plan."

When I thought I had gotten the job, I heard this inner voice say, "See, I told you; everything always works out." It's amazing though how much time I spend worrying about things not working out and focusing all my energy on this. So, as much as I'd like to say I am not afraid to trust my unknown future to a known God, I can't say I'm there yet. I want to let go of the fear and just keep living my life as though this fear does not weigh me down as much as I let it.


Coming off of this high of a vacation and the brief high of believing I had landed a job, I'm yet again trying to find my footing, some sense of purpose and sense of worth. It's funny how much emphasis we put on external factors to determine our worth, but how can we not place some value in this? I think having a purpose, whether it be a job or volunteer work or your role in the family can positively serve to aid our sense of worth. But, it's a fine line between placing all our worth in these roles we play and in simply using them to add to our happiness.

All rambling aside, I know this theme, this lesson of trusting in the unknown, letting go of the fear and having faith that things will work out, is going to keep surfacing, probably stronger each time until I start learning the lesson. So, heeding the wise words of Corrie ten Boom, I am going to keep working toward this sense of intuitive trust, in myself, in my abilities, in the future, in God, letting go of the illusion of fear, and moving forward as best I can, into the unknown.