Let it Go

"We need to learn to let go as easily as we grasp and we will find our hands full and our minds empty," said Leo F. Buscaglia. 

I stumbled across this after quite some time of digging for the perfect quote, a string of words I didn't seem to think I could weave together myself. But, the ironic thing is I latched onto my search, unable to pull my mind toward this blank screen staring me down, avoidance of the task at hand. Fixated on the notion of discovering the sentence that would summarize these past few weeks in a nutshell, my mind would not rest until this "need" was met. 

Lately, this has been the state of my "being," consumed by meaningless thoughts and worries. My mind has been adrift, my thoughts erratic. I find myself doing one thing and thinking another, unable to be conscious with the moment in front of me. Running away, or attempting to run away from my thoughts swirling about in my head. Distracting myself with the business of everyday life, making sure each moment is spent "doing." 

My sense of calm has nearly been vanquished by the utter chaos of my mind. So, it's time I take a much-needed, long overdue breath, grounding me back into the only moment that matters, the here, the now. But to do so requires some de-cluttering of the past, some reflection on that which I cannot change, that which I am trying to surrender and let go of. 

Something unexpected happened about two weeks ago, an ending of a relationship that had only just begun. A bitter disappointment to something I thought was heading down a path I had not yet been down, but was eager to experience. To think something was one thing only to find out it was little more than a casual thing for the other, is disappointing on many levels. But, to be made aware of this ending without words from the other person, with zero explanation or reason as to why is wounding on levels that I hadn't experienced prior. 

To have spent time with another person, letting them into your life, opening them up to your family and friends, is a risk I thought was worth taking. Believing this person to be a genuine, good-hearted person who I could trust, only to wind up feeling vulnerable, exposed and made a fool. The ending came without words, without any indication that things were heading that way. And, still I have not been given the closure I believe I deserve. It all boils down to a lack of respect and common courtesy to simply communicate to the other person, someone they had spent time with and had clearly indicated their interest in the relationship. But, this did not happen and it is quite unlikely to ever happen. 

Anger, resentment, frustration. I despise the haphazard, inconsiderate way he handled things. My thoughts still swirl with anger toward my inability to control his actions, to make him see how he wronged me. Easing in and out of this phase, I briefly enter into the disappointed, sad, and let-down phase. But, sadness has never come easily to me, especially the type that I feel like I have no control over. I have yet to cry over this, though I know it could be the healing and closure I need to move on. But, part of me, mainly my pride, refuses to let myself shed a tear over this person. The ego part of me is rejoicing at the fact that I did not allow this person in completely, to see my wounded heart. And, frankly he didn't deserve it.

But, anger can only simmer for so long, before it becomes inwardly directed. Questioning what I may have done, why I wasn't good enough, I move into the pity phase. But, to stay in this space does nothing more than reaffirm the deep-seeded belief that I'm not enough. So, where do I go from here? How do I let go of something I have absolutely no control over? 

The eating disorder, "Ed," has been harassing me, begging me to come back into his arms, assuring me that he will make all things well again. Lies on top of lies on top of lies. Giving me comfort, reliability, and guarantee of the results, Ed thoughts consume me. Though I know I want nothing to do with his mind games, the thought pattern is already laid down. The thoughts and urges to restrict and gain back control over something when I feel like I have no control over other things. And the opposing end of the spectrum wrapped in the urge to binge, to slink away into the cloud of depression. Neither serve me in the long run, but the control freak in me begs for some release. My thoughts run around and around. Fear, anger, sadness…emotions I am resistant to feeling. 

A voice remains, stifled and quiet but still within hearing. The voice urges me to refocus, re-prioritize my life toward recovery of mind, body and spirit. This voice comes from that place within me that speaks the truth, but is overshadowed by habitual fearful thinking. Maybe this is why that relationship had to end. Maybe, I need more time to focus on healing myself from these wounds and reestablishing a loving relationship with myself. It's been a lifelong struggle, but what better time than now. 

Grasping onto things, situations, expectations, end results has always been easy for me. Letting go of these same things is a whole different story. But, for me, the letting go part has always been the part, though uncomfortable and foreign, that I need to move through in order to live in this moment, the only one I have. Though these words I have uttered may be marked by imperfection, I relinquish the control over what I should and should not have said or could have said better. 

With an eager heart, I wish to surrender the past, letting go of the unexpected disappointment and moving forward into the life I want- one marked by self-acceptance and self-love, healing and recovery of mind, body and spirit, grounded in the present.