We Meet Again

Today officially marks day two of this 3-day Ayurvedic kitchari "cleanse." I say that last word very delicately and tentatively on purpose. 

As someone in recovery from disordered eating, words associated with "diet" or deprivation send my body into aftershock. These words, whether in thought or speech, re-trigger a deep-seeded, embodied, fearful pattern in my body. 

It's relatable to a somewhat PTSD-like response that stems from self-starvation early in my influential, adolescent years. It was a year-long, insidious and pattern-setting disease and scarcity mentality, otherwise known as anorexia.

For the longest time, conversation about diets or cleanses put all systems on alert. I would do anything possible to run far, far away from these encounters where this mentality was present. Or, at the very least check out mentally in fear of possible repercussions on my recovery journey.

Nowadays, coworkers may mention their latest diet or cleanse, and I may internally roll my eyes over this latest fad, but with deeper wisdom intact of its meaning for me. Despite the ups, downs and perceived turn-arounds on my path toward recovery from food, exercise and body obsession, I am intentionally seeking to live and embody health and wholeness on all levels. 

Thankfully, as a result of intense self-study in my yoga teacher training program, I have been able to shine a little more light on the control-seeking, perfectionism, low self-worth faulty belief pattern. It has by no means been a "perfect" journey, but each mistake and detour made, each breakdown, has light-yeared me further into my heart and loving what is.

All this to say, I'm on this cleanse for myself and to meet what is, beneath the food and my self-contrived food rules (though it took some encouragement from my teacher and an Ayurvedic practitioner). During a 4-week workshop with other like-minded, soulful foodies, we delved into the yoga of nutrition and the ancient system of natural healing, Ayurveda, otherwise known as "the science of life." Without going too much in depth, I'll tell you what these things mean for me:

Yoga, first and foremost, is about re-membering ourselves as whole and complete in this moment. It's not about attaining a particular form or state of perfection once x,y,z standards, poses, body type or enlightenment is reached. 

Yoga is now, all-ways, as we are. So, for me, perfectionism is in direct opposition to that. It's an insidious belief that permeates most aspects of my life, so to unearth and uproot it has taken some intensive self-study and practice. And, continues to do so.

Yoga means coming home to my body, listening to its ever-changing needs and honoring that. Ayurveda means there is no prescribed "diet" or meal plan out there on the Internet that will "fix" my food and body issues. 

It means that no one will ever be able to tell me what food I should be eating or what body type is acceptable and lovable. That, I am the only voice I need to listen to, and to trust that intuition inside of me and to be steady in who I am as a whole and complete person, not just in terms of my physical appearance.

It means that it's not ever about the actual food we're consuming, but how our bodies are making use of those nutrients. Having struggled with mindless eating patterns, and existing from a state of stress and fear during mealtime, I know all too well that my state of "non"-being highly impacts the level of nourishment. 

Most of us are not present to the food we are putting into our bodies. We check out via our phones, Facebook, the news, T.V., newspaper or conversations. It is rare in our society to eat a meal in silence with a candle lit preceded by a prayer, blessing or simple acknowledgment of gratitude.

It is also rare that some of us even carve out the time and space to dedicate to such sacred ritual. I am just as guilty of this as well, eating in the car, while checking out the news feed on Facebook, anything but being with myself and feelings in my body. 

Eating is a sacred act that has lost all sacredness in our rushed, adrenaline-inducing pace of a lifestyle. We hardly give ourselves the sweet, always accessible resource of breath, the one thing that is our direct relation to what is. Breath is the one resource that cuts through the mind-chatter and state of fear.

Paired with its sister science, Yoga and Ayurveda practices are about re-membering yourself as whole. In Ayurveda, it's about how well we are nourished. But, it's not confined to food. It's how we are nourished on multi-dimensional levels: relationships, home environment, nature, career, spirituality, health, self-care, family, exercise, rest, home cooking, education, social life, finances, joy and creativity. 

It means asking ourselves, "What am I really hungry for in this moment?" Instead of getting curious, we usually react to this need without getting clear on what would actually fill, feed and nourish that craving. More often than not, our "MO" is to reach for sugar or sweets, alcohol, drugs or some other quick "fix". From my experience with food addictions, I have found that most of the time, it's never about the food, though my mind will tell me otherwise.

I have found that asking this question and listening for the answer before taking any action at all is a daily practice in and of itself. Most of the time, I'm really craving or longing for safety, self-care, rest, enjoyment and the sweetness of life itself, not the chocolate or candy. 

To interrupt this subconscious, reactive pattern is an ongoing, daily practice, when all I want is to reach into the literal or metaphorical cookie jar in times of overwhelm or intense feelings of anger, fear, guilt or shame. I first have to get curious about the need underneath the want. The real cure, underneath the fake. 

I am making it more of a consistent practice these days to not only sit with my feelings and "be the observer," but to love and welcome them, as a part of me. Feelings not only want to be heard, felt, honored, or expressed but also released. And, we can't release them until we love the shit out of them, again and again, and again.

So, why on earth would I want to re-traumatize my body by putting it through another "starvation" diet? Well, this "cleanse" isn't about deprivation. It's about feeding your body with the most wholesome, easily digestible and integrated ingredients. 

It's honestly, very "anti" cleanse. It's not about taking away, but about making more space for ourselves. It's about nourishing our bodies, minds, emotions and spirit by simplifying the distractions that food can often bring up. 

It's about reseting and rebalancing our vitality and energy, so that we can come home to ourselves, in all our depth and polarities, and to explore the space a wholesome food such as kitchari can create to again, start from the ground up and get re-acquainted with our own internal rhythms.

All "perfected", word-speech aside, this practice has been an interesting experience to say the least. A lot of my ingrained fearful patterns have surfaced. Not to say, these weren't present before. But, the fear of not having enough to eat and being confined to yet another food "rule" has been unearthed. 

The starving 12-year-old in me is screaming a little bit louder for imposing another form on her. I have also faced my pervasive, soul-sucking perfectionism over the need to do it "right." 

The first day of the cleanse, I had a date planned. So, instead of listening to my inner wisdom and waiting to start the cleanse the next day, I jumped right in, eager to get the process going. I "broke" the rules that night, by drinking two, delicious beers. Surprisingly, I didn't feel too guilty about this. 

But, the next day my body reported back to me, in all its wisdom, that this did not feel good. I woke up nauseated and very foggy. Did I have an enjoyable time on the date? Absolutely. So, yes, it was a re-learning experience for not forcing things and allowing my body a little more love and gentleness in the process.

Today, I am committed to sticking to the mono-diet approach. I have a snow day from work, so lucky for me, I get to be around the house all day, facing the cravings that may come up. It is a blessing in disguise to be confronted with the choice to stay vigilant or to collapse inward. 

I guess I need to get clear on the initial intentions set before this undertaking, which were to re-set, re-balance, detox physically, mentally and emotionally, heal my digestive issues and curb my sweet cravings. 

But, if I'm honest with myself, the insidious belief is very present. To do it perfectly, and that if I do, I'll be "cured" and "fixed." Which is merely to say that I am broken, the direct opposition to what I'm practicing on my yoga mat and in my breath, to re-member myself as whole and complete. 

But, as with all things that create more space, there is now more space for these faulty beliefs to bubble up, so I can meet them head on. And, in the process, to meet myself with love, compassion and a hankering for what I'm really hungry for in each moment. To shine more light on my tendency to neglect my innermost needs and further perpetuate these imbalances.

For instance, I am still working through an addictive mentality to the gym and exercise. I have not been able to give myself permission to rest during this process, which could very well be hampering or negating it altogether. But, the guilt over allowing my body to rest and not meeting these "perfect" standards has prevailed this go round. 

And, in all intents and purposes, I'm loving that part of me even more, the part that's so terrified of losing control and feeling unsafe, unloved, and not enough. She is the wounded child in me, the fear I am constantly confronting, with more love, not less. Less judgement, more love. Less self-policing, more love. Less self-rejection, more love.

In a way, this practice has "amplified" my fear and perfectionism. It has brought me face to face with what I'm so afraid of: letting go of the control and trusting myself and my body. This practice was never about my body or about the weight and I am wary about the thoughts percolating around that and distracting me from the "real" cure. 

It is about releasing myself from the power that food and my skewed body image has over me. Has it "worked"? Am I "fixed"? No, those are the wrong questions. 

Am I re-membered as whole and complete? Maybe. In this breath? Inhale.....exhale.....Yes. For now, that is enough. I am enough, as is, purified or not, cleansed or not, perfect or not. I am meeting my whole self throughout this process, and that is the practice. I am coming home to myself.