Stitching Pieces

I have been protecting myself from pain

And love

For years now.

My armor has many layers

And facets.

The outer is the toughest

And most perplexing.

My sweetness and shyness

The layer I use

To ward off offenders.

Never getting too close,

No,

Not

Too

Close.

It’s a shield I wear to keep

Out those I hold closest.

And those I fear to let in.

It’s taken many forms,

An eating disorder,

Of many varieties,

And methods.

Anxiety,

Depression,

Exercise compulsion,

Marijuana fog,

Controlling

Tendencies.

It’s an inner panic,

And distrust in the person

Beaneath the layers.

A permeating fear

Of not belonging,

Being loved and

Supported.

My body never felt safe enough

To relax

Into

The space I

Didn’t allow.

Its exterior became the

Architecture to enclose

My heart,

Withholding love,

From myself

And other.

I have been running

For many years now,

My shoes laced and ready.

Running was never an option,

Just a default.

But my steps grow wearier

Each day.

I am tired.

My body is spent.

My spirit longs,

For rest.

Nourishing

Rest.

I’m not sure how many layers

There are.

I’m not even certain on

Where they begin.

These parts of me

Only wanted to protect me,

To this day,

They only want to protect me,

To keep me safe.

They think they are,

Keeping me safe.

But, I want them to know

Now

They’re hurting me,

They’ve been hurting me,

Unintentionally.

“I’m so sorry,”

They whisper.

“I’m

So

Sorry,”

I say.

“Please

Forgive

Me,”

We both

Whisper.

It’s a long awaited dialogue,

Between these pieces,

Of polarization

Inside me.

All I’ve ever wanted was

To feel whole.

Complete.

They too want that

Now,

I see.

They see

My tear stained cheeks.

How badly

My tears ache to pour

Like a river of regrets,

Grief.

Years of hidden pain,

Has been coming to

The surface,

Spilling out

In doses.

Maybe the grieving never ends.

Maybe,

Life is a grieving.

All the losses,

The deaths,

Real and minut.

I’m still grieving.

I’m still stitching,

The tattered pieces,

Back

Together

Now.

“Thank you,”

I whisper humbly.

“I love you,” I say,

Trembling slightly,

At the depth of feeling

This

Truth.

“I love you,”

They warmly, sweetly,

Like honey dripping into

And around my heart,

Say.

This.

This is the love

I’ve craved

All

My

Life.

My heart is mending.

Piece by broken piece.

Stitching,

Back the pieces

I’ve exiled.

“Welcome home,” I say.

Silence and warmth

Meets me

In the spaces

I’ve been trying to fill.

This

Is

Wholeness.

That

Is

Wholeness.

I am safe.

I

Am

Safe.

All

Is

Lost

Is

Found

Again.