The Stages of Change

Returning to Dunedin after a four-day tramp on the Greenstone-Caples Track, I reflect upon the role change plays in our lives.  On this beautiful hike through the picturesque valleys and mossy forests, I witnessed change in scenery literally with every step.  From the flowing blue rivers to the open, sheep-filled pastures, to the mossy forests and steep mountainsides, I was able to witness a plethora of views, each different and beautiful in their own light.

Throughout this journey, I felt changes within myself as well.  One moment I was in awe of the scenery around me and so appreciative of the endless beauty and the next moment I was feeling tired and worn down. I forgot how much tramping challenges me to push outside of my comfort zone and move beyond these boundaries.  Not only is it physically challenging but mentally challenging as well.  As much as my feet ached at times and as itchy as my sandfly bites were though, I worked to shift these negative thoughts to that of appreciation for where I was and the wonderful company I was in. 
 

  

Though I did succumb to the negative emotions at one point or another on the tramp, I consciously was aware of the fact that I could shift my mood at any point.  Generally speaking, I know that at any point in time I am completely capable of changing and altering my state of mind to that of positivity and love.  In the same breadth, I know my mind struggles to make this shift from negativity.  

This study abroad experience has given me the opportunity to take responsibility for myself and to consciously choose the moments when I work toward changing these thoughts and the moments when I choose to remain stuck in old habitual ways of thinking.   

As I begin packing up four months worth of clothes, memories and mementos I notice this overwhelming sense of fear simmering inside.  This fear stems from the awareness of impending change.  My study abroad experience has come to a close and after saying my goodbyes to all the friends I have made on this journey, I notice feelings of fear arising.  This fear is that of the awareness that this stage of the journey is ending and a new one is about to begin.  

My family arrives in Dunedin tomorrow, marking the official beginning of the next stage of change.  I will be entering into the stage where I will be showing my family the beauty of New Zealand that I have been able to experience these past four months.  Being abroad, I feel as though I have been in somewhat of an alternate reality, a far-off dream to my life back home.  This study abroad bubble I have been in these past couple of months has been filled with new friends, amazing adventures and the opportunity to grow.  This bubble has been my own since day one and it has given me the chance to take the reins on what type of experience I wanted to have. 

Come tomorrow morning, my family will enter this bubble, closing the gap between my life here in New Zealand and my life back home.  The closure of this gap almost in a way solidifies the fact that this experience was real and not just some dream.

Having my family here will mark the end of this separate experience I’ve had these past couple of months.  This impending change is something I both welcome and fear.  I am so excited to see my family and to show them the places I’ve been and to travel with them to places I have not seen.  At the same time, I am aware of the fact that my family will be in a way, invading this bubble and entering into my little world here in New Zealand. 

Before coming to New Zealand, I envisioned myself shedding the anxieties and worries that have for so long plagued my mind.  And as I reflect upon the changes I’ve made within myself, I know that some of these struggles still remain.  I know I have grown and learned a lot these past couple of months but I also know some changes may not have happened as planned.  As disappointing and frustrating as this has felt at times, I know that I’ve done the best that I could.  I am anxious for my family to witness these changes within myself and I also fear that I have not changed as much as I would have liked to. 

 I feel like I put all this pressure on myself to come out of this experience a changed and refined version of myself and although I know I have grown a lot, I am still me.  These changes may not have been drastic or hugely noticeable, but that’s okay.  Change is a process, sometimes slow and painful, other times fast or unexpected.  Each type of change is different.  What must stay the same is the way in which we deal with these changes.  Whether we run scared or accept and face these changes head on or whether we welcome them with open arms.   

After I travel for a whole month with my family, spending two weeks on the south island and two weeks on the north island, I will finally be returning back to Colorado.  As I begin to think about what this will be like, I notice this familiar feeling of fear.  I will be returning home but not to the home I once knew and loved.  My house is no longer as a result of the fire and although I have accepted this, I know that once I am back in Colorado will this reality fully sink in.  I will not be returning to the home I once knew but to a rental house.  I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this nor the fact that in less than a month I will be back to my “real” life.  Going back to Colorado is going to be such a change, one that I am both ready and anxious for. 

I do not know how I will adjust to this change but I do know that one thing this journey has taught me is that change really is the only constant in life.  It is the one thing that we can always rely on, the one thing we can always definitively know will happen.  

Change happens moment to moment, day to day, and ranges from small changes like change in scenery to larger more impactful changes like the growth within ourselves.  Each day we are presented with opportunities to grow and learn and each leads to a change within ourselves.  Change is a continual non-linear process.  It is one of moving forward and backward, of succeeding and of failing. 

Change is also a state of mind.  We change our realities with our thoughts.  Each thought gives us the opportunity to grab ahold or let pass on by.  With each positive thought, we move forward through positive change.  We must consciously decide to latch onto these positive thoughts.  Change comes in waves, in stages, and whether this change happens slowly or within a matter of seconds, we grow and learn all the same.  

The thing we must remember is to welcome change because this shift is what leads to positive growth.  When we welcome change, we acknowledge and accept the opportunity to grow and move toward our natural state of love.  So as I finish packing up my room, I acknowledge the end of this stage and the beginning of the next stage of the journey, and I begin to welcome this change and appreciate it as yet another opportunity to learn and grow.

A Positive Outlook

As I look outside my window at the beautiful, clear, blue sky a smile begins to form on my lips.  Despite the stress of this past week studying for exams worth half of my grade, I feel relatively at peace.  Generally speaking, I feel like I’ve managed to keep a level head throughout this month of examinations, knowing that all I can do is my best.  That isn’t to say there haven’t been moments of panic these past weeks at the thought of not passing one of my classes here. 

All exaggerating aside, there is a realistic chance of this happening.  The thought of this possible failure has overwhelmed me from time to time these past couple of weeks but I think I’ve slowly come to the realization that no matter what happens and what grade I get, I know that I did my best.  And I also know that if I do fail, then it is simply life’s way of giving me an opportunity to learn and grow from. 

These thoughts seem to ease a lot of my fears, especially around this fear of failing and I know that fear itself is such a fleeting emotion.  It comes and it goes, in cyclical, almost predictive patterns and I know that if I act fast I can prevent it from taking over altogether. 

So that’s what I have tried to do throughout this period of high stress; I’ve been working on noticing and acknowledging the fear and anxiety, detaching myself from it and observing it from an outsider’s perspective and then finally letting go of it.  This fear is not who I am.  It is merely a symptom of the ego. 

By detaching myself from this fear, I’ve begun to realize that I am so much more than my thoughts, so much more than my emotions.  I know I struggle to not get wrapped up in this negative thought pattern and I know that it is simply a result of habit, a maladaptive pattern of conditioning.

These past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed changes in my mood that will happen literally from one second to the next.  One moment I felt stressed and anxious about an exam and the next moment I felt calm and relatively at peace.  You would think this shifting of emotions, literally in the blink of an eye, would make me feel like I’m going crazy or losing my grip on things. 

And sure maybe my ego was losing its grip on things in feeling like it didn’t have any control in how well I did.  But the truth is this is not the real me that felt like it was falling apart.  It was simply my ego feeling like it was on the brink of losing its grip on things and losing control.  My mom sent me a quote by Yogi Amrit Desai that has been stuck in my mind ever since:

 “When you feel like you are falling apart, it is not you who is falling apart; it is who you are not.  The real you can never fall apart.” 

This quote really struck a cord within me and has made me come to many realizations.  We are not our emotions nor are we our thoughts, or even our personality.  We are all so much more than that.  We are souls, full of love and life.  This is the part of us that remains constant, ever-stable and resistant to external influences. 

I think I’m finally opening my eyes and heart to the truth in that I am so much more than this façade, I am so much more than my personality, than my body, than the thoughts and emotions that go along with these.  The real me is not influenced by how thin I am, how pretty I am or even how well I do in school.  When I feel like these are the things that define me I know that is when I have lost the connection with this inner, whole and all-loving part of me. 

Although I am just beginning to learn that what truly matters in life is the love you have for yourself and the love you give to others, it does not change the fact that I am still human.  I still have these human characteristics (thoughts, emotions, bodily ties) that do have a say in how I carry myself.  Even though I know the real me is so much more than the thoughts I have or the emotions I feel, I know that this realization does not do away with these instinctual primal instincts. 

I know that these negative thoughts and emotions are fleeting and truly do come and go and this realization has led me to believe that I truly do have power over what I think and feel.  I can consciously choose to feel stressed or think negative thoughts or I can consciously choose to shift my focus to the positive things in life.  This conscious choosing really does impact on how quickly your mood and mindset can change.  Even today, after getting out of my last exam, feeling a bit discouraged, I simply decided to shift my focus on the positive: the beautiful blue sky, the warm sunshine on my face, and the fact that I will get to spend the next couple of days with the friends I’ve made here in New Zealand. 

As my time here in New Zealand is quickly coming to a close, all sorts of thoughts and emotions come up: mainly sadness of leaving and the regret of things I didn’t do or changes I didn’t make within myself.  Despite these negative feelings, I choose to shift my focus on these last couple of days and to truly enjoy my time with the friends I’ve made. 

As I shift my perspective from dwelling on the negative to basking in all the wonder and beauty surrounding me, I find myself content and at peace with where I am.  I am thoroughly grateful and appreciative of this opportunity that I’ve had to come abroad and to have all of these wonderful experiences. 

I also know that my outlook on this experience and in life in general is greatly determined by my conscious choosing.  I can choose to dwell on the regrets, the mistakes, the negatives or I can choose to focus on all the good that is around me each and every moment.  Being in New Zealand has made me realize that each and every moment is a new moment, a chance to consciously choose happiness and love over doubt, fear and second-guessing. 

My gaze shifts back to my now open bedroom window and as I look up at the beautiful blue sky and bask in the sunshine pouring down on me, I smile and relish in the beauty and simplicity of what I have in this moment.

Appreciation

For the past couple of days, I’ve been feeling this ever-familiar feeling of no motivation coupled with the ever-destructive feeling of not caring.  As finals are approaching, I find myself with little to no motivation to study.  A part of me would like to say “screw it” and just not even try, but another part urges me to buckle down or else I am going to be kicking myself for it later. 

As finals here are worth 50 percent of my final grade, I find myself in a panic, full of anxiety about not being able to tackle this seemingly huge feat in front of me.  I find myself in fear, fearful of not passing my classes, which would be not only devastating but a pretty big waste of time and money.  Sure, I am abroad and have had all of these amazing experiences but my parents are paying lots of money for me to go to school here too.  Inevitably, all of this stress and fear of failing is combining and resulting in a feeling of almost paralyzing and overwhelming fear.

 This semester, I know I have not been the typical “A” student I have been in the past and I’ve justified this by saying that school is not my focus while I am abroad.  But I’m realizing I may have taken this too far and I know now that though my time abroad has been a lot about discovering myself and having all these awesome adventures, it wouldn’t be a true study abroad experience without the actual “study” aspect.    This whole semester has been a blur of amazing experiences, but with this there has come somewhat of a price to pay.

 It feels like I honestly have not done any schoolwork since I’ve been in New Zealand.  Now, that isn’t the case, but compared to the amount of work I would have back home it’s nothing.  I’ve managed to pass all my assignments but just passing has left me with the added pressure of having to do fairly well on all my final exams.  I feel like I’m playing catch-up for the entire semester and having to actually learn all this material in a matter of weeks.  And the fact that a whole month is dedicated for finals adds to my procrastination and makes the stress and anxiety endure much longer than I would like. 

It’s always been hard for me to focus on one thing at a time and to not get overwhelmed with everything I have to do.  When I lose my focus and get wrapped up in a whirlwind of all the material I have yet to study, I literally want to curl up into a ball and attempt to shut out and forget about what I have to do.  I inevitably end up sabotaging myself in the process and end up more stressed. 

I know that if I just take it one topic, one subject at a time I will be much more successful than getting overwhelmed with all the material I have yet to learn.  And at the end of the day, I know all I can do is my best.  I know it is my fear of failure that makes me believe I am destined to fail but realistically I know if I simply put the work in I will be successful. 

I know that the stress and anxiety does nothing but make things worse and I also know that in order to relieve these feelings, I need to actually sit down and start chipping away at studying.  So that is what I have been doing, but I am struggling to actually retain the information.  My first final is in less than one week and even though I have done a good amount of studying for it, I still feel as though I am nowhere near prepared. 

You’d think this lack of preparation would urge me to sit down and study more but it in fact has had the opposite effect.  This lack of motivation, though it hasn’t had severe consequences yet, has been hugely affecting my work ethic.  But it’s time I stop putting off the inevitable and really crack down on studying. 

I need to keep reminding myself that even though studies have not been my top priority abroad, this is still a very important aspect of my time abroad.  I came here to learn both in and outside the classroom and I need to pass these classes not only for the transfer credit but for my own peace of mind.  I want to succeed and I want to do well and in order to do so I know I need to start putting in this work.

 With this, I know that I cannot work myself into a frenzy and sacrifice my own sanity, so I need to balance this work with periodic breaks, whether that be a short walk or just taking a moment to breathe and meditate.  My sanity and well-being is way more important than how well I do in school but I also know how much I do care about school. 

Everything is a balancing act, balancing work with keeping a sane and peaceful state of mind, balancing lack of motivation with the reminder that it will all be worth it in the end, and balancing the lack of care with the reminder that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and to not care is to let this experience pass me by.  I came to New Zealand to discover myself, and I would like to say that I’ve done that but if I am going to be honest, it hasn’t quite happened the way I’ve wanted it to. 

It’s been a process and being abroad has dramatically changed a lot of things in my life but I am realizing that everything, every challenge every struggle is truly a process and going to some foreign country may not rid me of that but it has forced me to deal with and work through them.  I know I struggle to fully appreciate everything I have at a given moment and maybe that’s the key to this whole school thing, truly appreciating this opportunity to learn just for the sake of learning and in a foreign and beautiful place, like New Zealand, nonetheless.

Home Away From Home

This past week I went wwoofing for a wonderful Kiwi family in the beautiful and majestic Waitaki Valley.  Immediately, I knew I had picked the right family.  As I waited at the bus stop, a woman called out asking if I was Anna and greeted me with a warm, welcoming hug, instantly soothing my nerves.

 I had been slightly nervous about this experience, going away on my own, living with a family I had never met and really putting myself out there not knowing quite what to expect.  What I found was truly a home away from home.  The Tyrrell family welcomed me into their home with open and loving arms, making me feel apart of the family.  It was amazing to see the hospitality that a stranger can give to another stranger and the unique bond that comes from this simple gesture. 

They had welcomed me into their home in exchange for 4 mere hours of work each day, which consisted of painting closet doors.  A seemingly simple task, but one that requires careful and precise movements, I came to find myself quite enjoying the meditative, peaceful state it put me in.  Time seemed to fly by so quickly and I found myself meditating on the seemingly simplistic aspects of life. 

In a warm and loving environment such as it was, I felt myself enveloped in this cloud so full of love the entire week.  Their house was nestled in a beautiful, peaceful valley, with snow-covered mountains in the backdrop, a picturesque place where I found much peace, rest and tranquility.  Interacting with the family felt effortless and natural, almost as if I were a relative visiting for a couple of days.  I felt myself opening up to these seemingly strangers and effortlessly conversing with them. 

I had some of the best conversations with Amber, the mom, and the conversation between us felt completely natural.  She had much wisdom and love to share and it was absolutely amazing to hear about some of her life experiences and the spiritual journey she has been on.  This week was like a breath of fresh air, as it gave me the chance to converse on a higher spiritual level than I’ve been able to in a while.  We were able to talk about things like meditation, near-death experiences, finding the God within and truly living out your life purposefully and meaningfully.  It was amazing to be apart of this opening up process and experiencing this higher-level connection with someone who was previously a stranger. 

 

With any experience though, I find myself wondering what was lacking.  This experience was not about getting my hands dirty and really immersing myself into the farming environment nor was it about waking up at the crack of dawn and working till dusk.  It was of a different, unique type, one that I am overall very thankful for. 

Although I did not get the hands-on experience of working with farm animals, I do believe this was a good starting point.  It was a nice way to ease myself into the wwoofing scene in a way that has urged me to seek out more opportunities and challenge myself to try out new things, things I may initially be unsure of. 

This experience gave me something I didn’t quite know I needed.  It gave me a break from the mundane routine of everyday life.  Being surrounded by a family so full of love and kindness made me appreciate the family I do have back home.  There have been a handful of times while I’ve been abroad where I’ve longed to be with my family. 

Being with a Kiwi family, in a way, substituted for the family that I haven’t had while I’ve been here.  It was nice just to be surrounded by that love that so often goes unnoticed and unappreciated in a family.  Being with the Tyrrells made me appreciate my family and look back on all the times we’ve shared with fondness and appreciation.

 I am so thankful to have had this experience, not only this past week but of these past 4 months.  It’s all too often the case when I am unable to appreciate what is directly in front of me whether it be the amazing beauty of New Zealand or the love of a family.  Although I long to be near to my family and long to be back home every now and then, I stop myself because I know that once this moment is gone I will long to have it back as well. 

Everywhere I go I’ve been seeking to really appreciate and soak up each and every moment for I know once it is gone I can’t get it back.  I’m slowly working toward being content and satisfied with what I have and what I am experiencing in this moment, not reaching toward the future or delving back into the past.  

All I have is right now, this moment and I can choose to check out and miss out on all the beauty and love right in front of me or I can consciously choose to remain present with all the love and bliss that surrounds me at all times.  This love is within me and accessible at all times and all that is needed is to make the choice to access this true state within me and let go of all the worry and fear.  So in this moment, I choose to return to this state of love and align myself with all that is good for in this moment all is well and all is just as it should be.

No Regrets

As I’ve slowly begun to get back into my meditation practice, I have noticed some resistance.  This resistance comes from the ever-racing mind that rarely ceases to quiet and sink into the background for even one moment of peace and calmness.  My mind is simply not used to the quiet of sitting in stillness and has been fighting to maintain its grip, by flooding me with thought after thought, worry after worry. 

As I sat in my meditation this morning, the same anxiety, the same pattern of racing thoughts resurfaced until I was unable to even enjoy the brief moments of silence. Getting back into my meditation practice has been nothing short of a struggle and I am regretful of not keeping up with my practice while I have been abroad.

Sitting in my brief meditation today, a simple thought floated to the surface.  How would it feel to live a life with absolutely no regrets? How would it feel to simply leave the past behind, accept what you did and did not do, and move freely, uninhibited into the present moment? I feel like I’m consistently struggling to maintain a grip on the now, without feeling drawn into the past, for what it was and was not.

 To live a life of no regrets would mean to accept the past for what it was and was not, accept the situation for what it was and was not, and simply learn from these past experiences in order to enhance growth and fulfillment in the now.  But, the mind ever struggles to allow this simple, effortless process of letting go to take place and instead fights even harder to maintain its grip on things. 

 

Instead of regretting the past and wasting time dwelling on what went wrong why can’t we simply acknowledge these shortcomings or mistakes in our past and learn from them?  It sounds so easy and yet it is all too common to repeat the same cycle, never learning, never growing. 

Maybe it is easier to dwell on the past rather than actually taking the initiative and changing these maladaptive patterns.  For these patterns are what we know, what we are used to and to sway from them would be a journey into the unknown, the unfamiliar.  But to keep repeating them would be an even bigger disservice to ourselves and to others. 

Looking back on my time in New Zealand, I would like to say that I have no regrets and for the most part I do not.  But a part of me, the part that continues to pick at the past, obsessing and analyzing and fretting over what was and what could have been persists.  My regrets revolve around me getting in the way of myself. 

This struggle of mine has persisted here in New Zealand.  My anxieties, my insecurities, my fears have continued to block my path at times, preventing me from being fully present and able to enjoy the moment right in front of me.  However, the times that I have managed to keep this presence have been some of the best that I have had in New Zealand and in my entire life at that.  When I have been able to let go of my racing thoughts and get out of my head, I have been able to thoroughly take in my surroundings and soak up the experience and people around me. 

Though my meditation practice has been somewhat non-existent since coming to New Zealand, I’ve found myself slowly acquiring the ability to draw myself back into the present as I go about my day.  This growing sense of awareness of what I am experiencing in the now has dramatically enhanced my experiences lately. 

This past weekend, I traveled to Lake Tekapo and Mt. Cook with a group of friends and I can honestly say it was one of the best weekends to date.  The reason for this exists in the fact that for the majority of the weekend I was able to maintain presence with each experience and resist the urge to be pulled into the ramblings and worries of the mind. 

I was able to continually bring myself back to the present and because of this I fully experienced all the beauty and wonder that surrounded me.  I was even able to enjoy the seemingly unenjoyable, from camping in the snow and raging wind to taking a dip in the freezing, but beautifully blue lake water of Lake Tekapo.  And I can honestly say that I came out of this weekend with no regrets and only a desire to return to this state of awareness.

I think I’m finally beginning to understand that all I truly have at any given time is what lay directly in front of me.  I can’t waste my time or energy or sacrifice my happiness dwelling on what could have been.  All I can do is move forward with awareness and presence in each moment and simply breathe in all that is around me.  Living a life of no regrets means accepting the past for what it is, simply allowing the thoughts and worries about what could have been pass on by, learning from past mistakes and moving forward into the present moment, breathing in all that life has to offer.  

Reclaiming the Adventure

It has begun to sink in that the end of my time here in New Zealand is approaching faster than I ever expected.  I have a little more than a month left before my family arrives and we set off in a campervan on a tour over the south and north islands.  Although this gives me more time to soak up all that I can of New Zealand, my time with the friends I have made and people I have met is ever-approaching the end.  

Over the past month or so, I’ve successfully gotten down my routine, my schedule of day-to-day living.  Sure, there have been plenty of spontaneous day and weekend trips mixed in but mostly it’s been back to the mundane routine of classes and studying.  Sinking into this routine, I’ve found myself not seeking out the opportunities that are all around me.

 I’ve begun to get a bit too comfortable in the routine and I feel as though I have not been taking full advantage of all that New Zealand has to offer recently.  At the beginning of my journey, I was all about ‘seizing the day’ and exploring this new and exciting place.  As time has gone on, this feeling of adventure has diminished a bit and a huge part of me is dying to have this feeling of spontaneity and freedom back. 

I feel like there are two parts of myself, dueling with each other right now: the home-body, the part that is more than happy staying close to home, near the comforts and secureness of the routine and the other part that got me to New Zealand in the first place, the adventurous, spontaneous side of me.  The two have been in conflict with each other lately, especially this past week as I have been considering going wwoofing in two weeks.

 Now, let me first explain what wwoofing is.  It stands for “Willing Workers On Organic Farms” and is a world-wide operation.  Specifically in New Zealand, Kiwi families allow “wwoofers” to stay in their home and eat meals with them in exchange for labor (farming, weeding, cleaning, building, doing chores around the house, etc.).   It is a great way to get the real Kiwi experience as well as the experience of living and working on a farm.

Now, I have little to no experience working on a farm but still, this opportunity sounds like an overall great, learning experience.  It entices me not only for this reason but for the adventure it brings.  I feel like I need to do something like this, something pretty far out of my comfort zone, in order to bring back the sense of adventure I felt at the beginning of this journey.  Sure, I am nervous about what exactly this experience would entail but I keep getting this gut, intuitive feeling that this is something I need to do while I am here.  It would be all too easy to let this opportunity pass me by, but I know that if I don’t do this, I will regret it. 

I have been seeking out families to wwoof for these past couple of days and so far I have had no luck…the busy season is starting up and things are booking up quickly.  But I plan to keep pursuing it and keep trying.  I can’t even imagine the experience I would have doing something like this and I know I would come out so much more knowledgeable, experienced, and confident in my abilities to travel on my own.   I have been struggling to maintain a confidence in my abilities recently, but I know that the experience and adventure that awaits is well worth the risk.  It is time that I reclaim this sense of adventure and push past the fear and insecurity for I know that what awaits on the other side is yet another experience of a lifetime.