The Stages of Change

Returning to Dunedin after a four-day tramp on the Greenstone-Caples Track, I reflect upon the role change plays in our lives.  On this beautiful hike through the picturesque valleys and mossy forests, I witnessed change in scenery literally with every step.  From the flowing blue rivers to the open, sheep-filled pastures, to the mossy forests and steep mountainsides, I was able to witness a plethora of views, each different and beautiful in their own light.

Throughout this journey, I felt changes within myself as well.  One moment I was in awe of the scenery around me and so appreciative of the endless beauty and the next moment I was feeling tired and worn down. I forgot how much tramping challenges me to push outside of my comfort zone and move beyond these boundaries.  Not only is it physically challenging but mentally challenging as well.  As much as my feet ached at times and as itchy as my sandfly bites were though, I worked to shift these negative thoughts to that of appreciation for where I was and the wonderful company I was in. 
 

  

Though I did succumb to the negative emotions at one point or another on the tramp, I consciously was aware of the fact that I could shift my mood at any point.  Generally speaking, I know that at any point in time I am completely capable of changing and altering my state of mind to that of positivity and love.  In the same breadth, I know my mind struggles to make this shift from negativity.  

This study abroad experience has given me the opportunity to take responsibility for myself and to consciously choose the moments when I work toward changing these thoughts and the moments when I choose to remain stuck in old habitual ways of thinking.   

As I begin packing up four months worth of clothes, memories and mementos I notice this overwhelming sense of fear simmering inside.  This fear stems from the awareness of impending change.  My study abroad experience has come to a close and after saying my goodbyes to all the friends I have made on this journey, I notice feelings of fear arising.  This fear is that of the awareness that this stage of the journey is ending and a new one is about to begin.  

My family arrives in Dunedin tomorrow, marking the official beginning of the next stage of change.  I will be entering into the stage where I will be showing my family the beauty of New Zealand that I have been able to experience these past four months.  Being abroad, I feel as though I have been in somewhat of an alternate reality, a far-off dream to my life back home.  This study abroad bubble I have been in these past couple of months has been filled with new friends, amazing adventures and the opportunity to grow.  This bubble has been my own since day one and it has given me the chance to take the reins on what type of experience I wanted to have. 

Come tomorrow morning, my family will enter this bubble, closing the gap between my life here in New Zealand and my life back home.  The closure of this gap almost in a way solidifies the fact that this experience was real and not just some dream.

Having my family here will mark the end of this separate experience I’ve had these past couple of months.  This impending change is something I both welcome and fear.  I am so excited to see my family and to show them the places I’ve been and to travel with them to places I have not seen.  At the same time, I am aware of the fact that my family will be in a way, invading this bubble and entering into my little world here in New Zealand. 

Before coming to New Zealand, I envisioned myself shedding the anxieties and worries that have for so long plagued my mind.  And as I reflect upon the changes I’ve made within myself, I know that some of these struggles still remain.  I know I have grown and learned a lot these past couple of months but I also know some changes may not have happened as planned.  As disappointing and frustrating as this has felt at times, I know that I’ve done the best that I could.  I am anxious for my family to witness these changes within myself and I also fear that I have not changed as much as I would have liked to. 

 I feel like I put all this pressure on myself to come out of this experience a changed and refined version of myself and although I know I have grown a lot, I am still me.  These changes may not have been drastic or hugely noticeable, but that’s okay.  Change is a process, sometimes slow and painful, other times fast or unexpected.  Each type of change is different.  What must stay the same is the way in which we deal with these changes.  Whether we run scared or accept and face these changes head on or whether we welcome them with open arms.   

After I travel for a whole month with my family, spending two weeks on the south island and two weeks on the north island, I will finally be returning back to Colorado.  As I begin to think about what this will be like, I notice this familiar feeling of fear.  I will be returning home but not to the home I once knew and loved.  My house is no longer as a result of the fire and although I have accepted this, I know that once I am back in Colorado will this reality fully sink in.  I will not be returning to the home I once knew but to a rental house.  I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this nor the fact that in less than a month I will be back to my “real” life.  Going back to Colorado is going to be such a change, one that I am both ready and anxious for. 

I do not know how I will adjust to this change but I do know that one thing this journey has taught me is that change really is the only constant in life.  It is the one thing that we can always rely on, the one thing we can always definitively know will happen.  

Change happens moment to moment, day to day, and ranges from small changes like change in scenery to larger more impactful changes like the growth within ourselves.  Each day we are presented with opportunities to grow and learn and each leads to a change within ourselves.  Change is a continual non-linear process.  It is one of moving forward and backward, of succeeding and of failing. 

Change is also a state of mind.  We change our realities with our thoughts.  Each thought gives us the opportunity to grab ahold or let pass on by.  With each positive thought, we move forward through positive change.  We must consciously decide to latch onto these positive thoughts.  Change comes in waves, in stages, and whether this change happens slowly or within a matter of seconds, we grow and learn all the same.  

The thing we must remember is to welcome change because this shift is what leads to positive growth.  When we welcome change, we acknowledge and accept the opportunity to grow and move toward our natural state of love.  So as I finish packing up my room, I acknowledge the end of this stage and the beginning of the next stage of the journey, and I begin to welcome this change and appreciate it as yet another opportunity to learn and grow.