Cultivating Hope

In light of the horrific Boston marathon bombings and the shooting at the 4/20 rally in Denver, my heart grows heavy by the gravity of the impending chaos.  I feel myself overcome with fear, unsure of what is to come.  Fear and violence is beckoning at our doorstep, threatening to overcome us with its unrelenting force.

I sit here now, contemplating the state of affairs of our nation, our compromised freedom.  Fear and sadness enveloped into one threaten to consume me as negativity sweaps into my mind.  Who is responsible for all this violence and evil?  My guess is as good as yours.  The fact of the matter is evil is at work within our very own country, the land of the supposed free and the brave.

Our innate rights as citizens and living breathing humans are blatantly being threatened but sadly most are too distracted, too blind to see the reality and gravity of the situation.  I could sit here and write about the need for raised awareness but all that I would succeed in doing is spreading the fear that already permeates into the hearts of most.

So, instead I will muster all the energy and all the positivity within me to shed light on these dark times.  Yes, the world is turning into a scary place, but in my heart, I know there is always hope, no matter how abysmal the evil may be.  As cliche as it may sound, the battle for good vs. evil, light vs. dark is beckoning ever closer to our doorstep.

Yet, there is always a choice.  The choice to be consumed by the hate, the greed, the negativity or the choice to keep pushing on, living and loving that much more.  The moment we allow ourselves to be consumed by the negativity, the fear, is the moment they win.  The second we walk down this path into the shadow is the very moment we give up our power.

Though we may not be able to directly control what others do or mediate the evil choices and actions of others, we always have full and complete control over ourselves.  All we can do is take back the power that is innately ours, take back the freedoms that we all deserve as human beings.

I can sit here and dwell on the negative, dwell on the fear and hatred that is definitely a reality of this harsh world, or I can choose to focus on the good, the love that is still there, waiting to be awaken in the hearts of many.  All any of us have control over is our own thoughts, our own actions, whether they be guided by hate or love is up to us.  It all starts within each of us, each day, each moment, a point of choosing between negativity and the love that I truly believe is the common thread between us all.

We must cultivate this hope more now than ever before and in doing so, the good in all of us will rise up.  Whether this confrontation between good and evil results in mass destruction and chaos is up for question, but within my hearts of hearts I truly believe in the end, love will prevail.  We are at a pivotal point in our evolution and it is seriously up to all of us, individually and communally to come together and let our voices be heard.

To shy away in fear or to numb out would be the greatest tragedy of all.  In doing so, they've already won.  The choice is ours and now is the time to cultivate the hope, the love within ourselves to come together and take a stand for our right to life, freedom and happiness.  I ask all of you to not be bogged down by the violence, the hatred, the greed, for this is merely the shadow of humanity.  To give in is to give up our power to choose love instead of hate, light instead of darkness, positivity instead of negativity.  Today, I ask of you to cultivate hope with me at this pivotal time in the evolution of humanity, trusting that in the end, love will prevail.    

Bridging the Gap

Easing into my meditative self-led yoga session tonight, I began to ponder a seemingly intangible and unanswerable question.  How do we go about bridging the gap between our true potential in life and the self-defeating habits that block us or keep us stuck?  




The realization that I have gradually come to is that none of us is afraid of who we cannot be but rather of all that we can and already are.  We are all spiritual beings, capable of boundless and infinite love but the majority of our lives is spent with little awareness of this fact.  We search and search outside of ourselves to fill the void, to fulfill some need or desire, but ultimately we are searching outside of ourselves for what only resides within.  




Though we may find something, whether it's in food, relationships, work or money that may temporarily fill this void, it does not last.  We all know this, whether intuitively or not.  We all have these "bad" habits, subconscious and ego-driven desires and addictions.  

For me, this addiction has been to food mainly, the self-soothing, self-comforting escape from reality.  This almost innate instinct of mine to turn to food in times of stress, anger, sadness, anxiety and even happiness almost instantaneously coincides with the urge.  It is a feeling of powerlessness brought on by the intense and overwhelming urge to engage in the behavior. 

I am beginning to become more and more aware of this almost programmed, conditioned nature of mine to turn to food when these emotions become unmanageable.  Having gone to years upon years of therapy, I am finally able to pinpoint what I have taken away from all the money and time spent analyzing my pattern of thoughts and behavior.

As a result of environmental and genetic influences, I learned early on to turn to food to deal with any sort of intense emotion.  Never learning the proper, effective and healthy way of coping with these feelings, I reached outside of myself to some tangible thing I could rely on.  This habit of behavior ingrained into my neural connections, forming a strong association between emotions and food.  

But before I get in too deep about my past, I think it is safe to say that the majority of us can relate to this pattern of addiction, in one way or another.  In whatever shape, form or flavor it comes in, the majority of us are somehow stuck in some habitual self-defeating way of thinking or behaving.  

What I am beginning to look into now after having gained insight into these subconscious urges of mine, is how do we go from being aware of these tendencies to actually changing them?  How do we bridge this gap between awareness of these self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors to replacing them with self-serving ones?

I am fully aware that a convincing subconscious belief of mine is the "I am not good enough" or "I am unlovable or unworthy" and that I need to somehow prove my worth.  I am also aware that the subconscious behavior of mine to turn to food arises in times when I need this temporary self-soothing feeling it gives me.  Yet, I also intuitively know that the food is not what I am truly after.

It is not the external things we so desperately cling onto and reach for time and time again that give us what we really need or what we really desire.  We all on some level desire to feel that love, that compassion, that complete acceptance of all that we are.  Yet, I still struggle to know this, this truth on the deep, subconscious level.

I see these "flaws" of mine (the eating disorder, the incongruence between my health and my deep-held value of being healthy as well as the ever-present anxiety) and I get sucked into their poison.  Focusing on these "negative" qualities, I bury myself deeper and deeper into this hole.  Until, my intuition or my spiritual part of me, my authentic self finally gets through and is able to awaken me to my truth, that I am whole, that the real me does not need fixing.  We are all enough.  I am enough and you are enough.  In fact, we are more than enough.  

We have all this potential to love and be loved yet we are sadly more often than not preoccupied with the ego's distractive trap.  We are not afraid of our limitations but rather of our infinite potential.  Yet, as much as I try, my mind still struggles to intuitively accept this fact.  

Though on some level, I am aware, I am left to continue pondering the steps to take to bridge this gap.  For until this void is closed, I know I will remain stuck in old habitual ways of thinking and behaving, not fully able to accept all that I am or see that we all already have the tools we need to create the life we want and deserve.  

Perspective

Plumes of smoke billow above the foothills, just a mere ten miles from my house in Fort Collins.  Biking home from class yesterday afternoon, my eyes fixated on the plume.  Feelings of deja vu surfaced, bringing me back to the fire this past summer that destroyed my parent's home along with hundreds of others.

Feelings of uncertainty, unease and empathy all rolled into one mark the state of my being upon seeing this all too familiar sight.  My heart and thoughts intertwine with the evacuees', connected to them by similar, shared experience.  I not only feel linked through the feelings of dismay at the grave state of the ever-growing inferno but through the shared uncertainty among those whose homes are at risk.

The Galena Fire started around noon yesterday and the pace of its destructive path has been quickening every hour.  I could see the flames last night from my house, hauntingly flickering on the foothills.  Today, the flames have soothed to a cascading smoke, covering the sky in a milky haze.

After the Waldo Canyon fire this past summer, I knew I would never be able to look at a plume of smoke the same again.  The reality of this fact set in when I witnessed the billowing plume yesterday afternoon, instantaneously precipitating the unease that set deep inside my gut.

My heart in all its capacity goes out to those who have been directly affected, forced to leave their homes and wait, hoping for good news but preparing for the worst.  I can not only relate as a fire victim myself but as a part of this community, this state who has single-handedly witnessed the destruction these fires can cause, powerless to stop the course of nature.

My state of emotions has been up and down, alternating between fear and unease to empathy for the direct victims, to anger and finally to acceptance of the reality of the situation.  Upon hearing word of the fire in class yesterday, my mood shifted to fear and unease.

Distracted by the latest news, I tuned the professor out lost in thought until he made a snarky comment.  In all his ignorance, he made light of the situation, laughing it off as a little "second-hand smoke", not fully knowing the effect his comment would have.  I immediately felt anger boiling up at the fact that he was making light of such volatile circumstances.  He had absolutely no idea that people's homes were at risk, probably due to the little to no effect this fire would have on him personally.

Eventually recognizing the anger for what it was, simply a reaction to someone's ignorance, I now shift again to attempt to cope with the reality of the situation.  We all know that fire, natural or not, is going to run its course no matter the extent of human intervention.  We can attempt to do all we can to prevent as much devastation as possible, but when it comes down to it, Mother Nature is going to run her course, regardless of our pleas.

Fire, unrelenting and unforgiving, adds a certain amount of perspective for indirect and direct victims alike.  Though it initially stirs up fear and unease, accompanied by anger and sadness for the loss of land, it instantaneously sheds light on the important things in life.  When news of the fire reached, I went from worrying about petty things, like worrying about the grade I got on my exams and obsessing about the food to worrying about the fate of the fire and its victims.

Since witnessing the destruction a fire can cause, I can relate to the feeling of not being able to wrap your mind around the gravity of the situation.  When a fire breaks out, all bets are off and all petty worries get placed on the back-burner.  It is at times like these when we all realize what really matters in life, not the silly obsessive thoughts, or worry about the past or the future, but about the love and growth and hope that is always there.

When death beckons, whether death of vegetation, a friend, or in the symbolic sense of death as a marker of change, it marks the inevitable shift into the new.  Though we may not always welcome the new, because it is more often than not marked by an ending of something, within time, our perspective shifts to that of acceptance.

But as much as I would like to say I am at the point of acceptance, I know realistically I am not.  I am still harboring unease, fear and some leftover anger over the state of things.  All the meanwhile, my heart pours out to the evacuees, and I mourn deeply for the loss of our beautiful land, hoping and praying that nature will run its course, with a sparing and merciful hand.

Conscious Vulnerability

It is 6 a.m. Monday morning and I am awake for no other reason than to silence and appease the pestering yet gentle voice urging me to write.  This desire has been nudging at me, encouraging me to sort through these feelings that have been surfacing the past 48 hours, the feelings I so often push aside or run away from in trembling fear.

Restless, some may say.  Yet, it feels different.  I feel alert, awake and not in the normal anxious way of feeling that I have grown so accustomed to.  I feel alive, with the growing inkling that I need to sort through these strange, foreign feelings.

Vulnerable.  This word appears momentarily in my streaming and fleeting consciousness.  As my mind sifts through the meaning in this word, fear arises.  To be vulnerable is to allow yourself to not only feel the emotions you're feeling at each given moment but to let others see this part of you, one of the many parts that truly makes us all human.

When I think of being vulnerable, consciously, deliberately, I think of words.  Words are the bridge to communication with the outside world, the door through which we connect to others.  For me, words have always come more natural on a sheet of paper or a computer screen, giving me the freedom to reflect.  The act of opening up and sharing my words with the world (or whoever reads this) is something that both empowers and scares me to death at times.

What will "the world" think?  Will they approve of me? Will they think less of me?  By sharing intimate details of my life, opening up that part of me that is so used to closing off, I find my empowerment.  To not write is to shut off and ignore the expressive and vulnerable part of me that yearns to have a voice.

So, I sit here, today, writing to whoever, writing for myself, proving to myself that vulnerability is not something to be warded off but something to be embraced.  As I sit here, wanting to share the happenings of my "inner life," my guard slowly starts to creep up.  Yet, to push past this bit of resistance, to confront this fear, is the only way to overcome it.

Last night, I engaged in emotional eating.  There.  I said it.  Sure, I didn't use the word "binge" and for some reason that word is scarier than most words I have written on this screen.  To say that I slipped, to admit to not only myself and the world this "weakness" is something I can't say I've fully come to grips with.  But, you got to start somewhere so here it goes: this is me, the real authentic, vulnerable Anna.

 I have shielded this part of me off from the majority of the world, letting only those I trust and know in to see these "damaged" parts of me.  But, I keep reminding myself that this blog is not for others, as selfish as that sounds, this blog is for me, my way of expressing and letting loose pent up emotions and ramblings of the mind (of which I have many).

The guilt and shame inevitably surfaced post-binge.  The irony in this next thought is self-evident.  Each time I slip or engage in emotional eating, I am fully conscious of my lack of consciousness and awareness during this temporary numbing out, comforting routine.  I check out only to check in moments later and be faced with the guilt and self-loathing.

Last night, I was feeling anxious (more so than the "norm" for me) and though I tried to eat calmly, mindfully, my attempts failed.  I was distracted, trying to do work and eat and not feel anxious all at the same time (the multi-tasking food triad).  Inevitably, I lost touch with hunger/fullness cues and chose instead to listen to the part of me that still gets some sort of momentary comfort and relief from the food.

Afterward, stomach aching and groaning, I noticed the guilt surfacing.  Yet, instead of being enveloped into the guilt-trip and berating myself, I found myself replacing this fear and self-loathing with self-love and compassion.  I was able to sort through the actual feelings: the anxiety, the guilt, the shame, and look at myself through the lens of a loving parent or close friend.

A strange shift happened.  I felt filled with self-love and something else so bizarre: gratitude.  In a way, though maybe not the most healthy or effective way, my overeating teaches me something each time I engage in it.  Each time it has happened, I feel less and less guilt and more and more able to learn from each slip-up.

Bringing this awareness of my trigger points, tuning into this cycle of obsess/restrict to binge/numb out, I find myself conscious of the fears I project onto food.  It is almost never the food I am "afraid" of, nor is it ever really about the food in general.  Underneath, there is always the precipitating emotion: the fear.

I felt anxious for many reasons last night, one of which being the fear of my own vulnerability.  Opening up to others, in such a way, as to show them everything I have, the "good" the "bad" is something I can't say I'm fully comfortable doing but I also know that the things I am afraid of are the things my conscious mind is telling me I need to confront.

Being vulnerable, consciously, deliberately is the only way I can find the heart and soul of who I am and where I am headed.  To feel the feelings, to share these feelings, to show the world my imperfections is the only way I know how to confront this fear.  I am me: sometimes I feel anxious, sometimes I engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, sometimes I get angry, obsessive, nit-picky, but to shut off and not show the world these parts of me is to continue to reject all that I am.

Each day, each slip up I have, each fear that arises, is an opportunity to learn more about myself, to truly discover and accept me and things as they are, judgment and obsessing aside.  So, today, I thank my eating disorder for shedding a light on my fears.  Knowing it has never been about the food is a realization I am beginning to fully see and feel.

This is me, vulnerable, unfiltered, putting it all out on the table, inhibitions aside.  Trusting the process, letting go of the worry, I begin to feel eager for the learning that is to come.  Each day, I am growing closer to overcoming the eating disorder, binge or no binge, and each day I am confronting the fears I have pushed aside.

Vulnerable, conscious, living, breathing, learning, growing.  Empowerment, transformation.  Mindful of where I am physically and emotionally, I give gratitude for the love inside of me, filling me up.

This is me, the real authentic, vulnerable me and I for one can say, this is only the beginning of my conscious-focused efforts for mindfulness each day, each moment, consciously vulnerable.

Trust

Fingers hovering over the keyboard, I routinely wait for that one inspirational thought to appear.  My fingers begin to press the buttons, slowly and deliberately, attempting to trust the words that appear on the screen before me.  

As I sit here, my mind searching for the perfect words, the perfect combination to lure the reader in, I stop and take a deep breath: in and out.  The music in the background, the soothing melody of the guitar, draws me into the present moment.  

This simple notion of trust is pulling at me, urging me to qualify its meaning.  The idea of trust has been coming up more and more, drawing me into its simplicity.  I'm growing aware that in order to trust fully and completely, we must let go of the control, loosening the noose around our functional, orderly lives.  In letting go, trusting in the process, the direction life is taking you, you cease to linger in the obsessive, worry-ridden thoughts. 

These anxious thoughts and feelings are simply the mind's way of preoccupying itself.  The unconscious mind only knows to do, and to do more.  The conscious, active, thriving yet trusting mind only knows contentment with the now.  

To live in the now, consciously and vivaciously, I'm discovering that I must explore further this difference between unconscious and conscious.  The difference exists in the ability to remain present with oneself and one's surroundings or the inability to prevent getting swept into the meanderings of the mind.  

When I become aware that I am lost in the ramblings of my mind, I take a deep breath, grounding myself back into the present.  As of recently, I have struggled to concentrate in class, in a conversation, or in the present moment because I am so consumed by my own fearful and anxious thoughts.  These thoughts revolve around yet still, the food, the control, the perfection.  They give way to worry over the future or nostalgia and regret for the past.  I over-analyze certain scenarios of the past, obsesssing and dwelling on the outcomes.  I look to the future in fear, unsure of where my life is headed.  

This fear keeps coming to the surface.  It is the fear and worry of what is to come.  Where will this next chapter in my life post-graduation take me?  Unsure of what my path is, I come to a startling conclusion.   Yet, this conclusion is not something I didn't know, deep down.  It is not the lack of opportunities I am afraid of, but the truly limitless list of what I can do after I graduate.  

Deep down, there is a growing part of me that fully and completely trusts the path that is unfolding beneath my feet.  This part of me knows that I will find a job doing what I love, that I will get over the eating disorder once and for all, that I will one day completely love and accept myself, that I will share my own love with a loving and beautiful hearted partner.  In becoming aware of this part of me that does fully trust God and the universe, I come back to the present. 

 I let go of the fear, worry, and obsessing.  I relinquish in the path that life has me on, trusting each moment, each obstacle.  I trust that I am doing the best I can.  I let go of the need to control and release myself from the ego's trap of what is "best" for me.  By listening, consciously and intuitively to my heart, I'm growing aware that God has an even better plan for my life, bigger and more spectacular than anything I could ever conceive of. 

Authenticity

As I sit here struggling to come up with a fitting topic for this post, one simple word suddenly pops into my mind, drawing me into its meaning.  This word conjures up mental snapshots of not only these past couple of weeks, but of my entire life.

As I've begun to adjust to life back home, I realize that this same question of authenticity keeps re-surfacing.  Seven months ago, I traveled half-way around the world to "find myself."  As I continue my reflection on this exciting and adventure-filled time abroad, I question whether I finally stumbled upon the real, authentic me.

As my mind processes this thought, I immediately recognize the irony.  I now realize that this preconceived notion of going abroad to discover oneself  is ironic in that what one is searching for outside oneself (i.e. a change of scenery)  is what one can only gain from searching within.  Until we begin the work within, we will never truly know the bounty of our existence.  In light of this expectation of "finding myself" in New Zealand, I am now aware that I was yet again reaching outside of myself to do this.

For the majority of my existence, I have searched outside myself, admist the ever-disappointing external world.  Whether it's been in the comfort of food, a new inspirational book, or a new fling, the end result is always the same: dejection and emptiness.  In reality, I have been searching endlessly to find and reclaim myself.

Yet I have faltered to recognize this and instead, have looked to the outside world to define my existence whether through a strict fitness regime, self-defeating food rules, or  the societal concept of smart, beautiful or worthy.  And time and time again, the inevitability of temporary feel-good begins to lose its allure as the cycle of disappointment commences yet again.

By altering my patterns to those accepted by society, I have neglected the most important and true part of me.  By abandoning my authentic self and conforming to these conditioned beliefs, I have preoccupied myself with things of no real value or worth.   I realize that what I've always been searching for outside of myself in...food, boys, clothes, has zero to none permanence in this world.

The only thing that is permanent and unchanging is the love that exists within all of us.  This same love is the love we spend and waste years searching for, in money, power, food, sex, drugs, and relationships, only to come up empty-handed, minus the temporary high these things give us.  We search and search for love in all the wrong places.  For what? To feel the pain of human existence?  To appease these self-fulfilling prophecies that we are not worthy, not good enough?

For me, these preconceived beliefs of my worth have led me to reject and abandon myself early on, only to spend years and years looking for this happiness, this love in all the wrong, dead-end places.  By rejecting myself and the parts of me deemed unworthy or not good enough, I inevitably searched outside of myself to make myself whole again.

But I'm finally beginning to learn and embrace the reality that I am not damaged, I am not a lost cause, and these parts of me are not a mistake.  As a result of rejecting myself, I latched onto the false belief that I am not whole and that in order to be whole, I must find that one thing, that one relationship, that one love, to validate my existence.

 Along the way, I abandoned my authentic self, the heart and soul of who I am.  I got trapped in the whirlwind of competition and in the petty worry of being liked and accepted.  Yet, I find myself growing more and more aware of this tendency of mine to base my worth on other's perceptions or opinions of me.

From time to time, we all have lost sight and focus of who we are, and I'm beginning to believe this is as a result of this self-rejection.  In essence, we all have at one point or another, rejected some part of us...the greed, pride, anger, fear, anxiety, or sadness we inherently harbor.  We have dubbed these parts of us unworthy of love or acceptance and have either run away, avoided or worked to overcompensate for these "flaws".  And along the way, we abandoned who we are.

It is only when we begin to embrace and accept all of us, the "good", the "bad", that we move closer and closer to finding ourselves and further away from rejection.  When we remain true and accepting of all that we are, this acceptance and love has no choice but to flow outward.  By doing the work within and coming to terms with all that we are and healing the neglected or rejected parts within ourselves, the onset for the ripple effect of change in our external world is only a matter of time.          

New Beginnings

Less than 3 days ago, after nearly 24 hours of traveling, my mom, brother and I (accompanied by nearly 10 pounds of Whittaker’s chocolate and Tim Tams) made it safely back to Colorado.  After sitting on a plane for 13 plus hours and repacking our suitcases to meet the weight limit, needless to say, we were all exhausted.  Yet, there I was at 3 in the morning, wide-awake.  Sure I could have started unpacking but that would somehow solidify the fact that I was home, so instead I tossed and turned in my bed.

As my internal clock has slowly begun to reset itself, I find myself wishing I were back in New Zealand, back to the land of the endless pastures of lush green grass speckled with herds of sheep, back to the left side of the road, back to the brief taste of summer and warm sunny days.  As ready as I was to come home after six months and as excited as I was to see family, friends, and of course Calvin my cat, now that I am back, the nostalgia for this beautiful country of New Zealand is kicking in.  Though I love Colorado and the beauty it contains, going back into winter, to dead brown grass, below freezing temperatures and blowing snow is a little bit more of a shock than I anticipated. 

 

 I drove for the first time this morning, on the “right” side of the road, and though it wasn’t hugely difficult switching back, I did have to kind of retrain my mind.  Other little adjustments have needed to be made, ones I never even thought I’d have to think twice about, like retraining myself to the buttons on my old phone, simple mundane habits that I have since forgotten.

With this, other changes, more welcomed changes, include the much more affordable price of food, the taste of a Chipotle burrito, the nonexistent sand-fly population, and the luxury of central heating. 

 It’s just so mind-blowing to think that less than a week ago I was on the opposite side of the globe nearing the end of a 6-month long journey and in less than 24 hours I was back “home.”  Coming back to Colorado has not entirely felt like coming home though.  Since the fire, we have been renting a house pretty much on the opposite side of town.  Though the rental house is nice, it doesn’t quite have the homey feel.  Because we got out with the bare minimals plus some treasured mementos, the rental house came fully furnished.  In a way, this home very much has the feeling of a hotel, a temporary state of residence, which thankfully it is.  While we rebuild our house, which will be completely different in design, but on the same lot our old house was, this will be our temporary home.

I look out my window and see Pikes Peak dusted by the day’s storm and Garden of the Gods nestled in its arms and form a mental picture in my mind of the place I used to call home.  I have not yet since been back to view for myself what is left and although I plan on it, I haven’t quite felt prepared to face it.  I know I’ve accepted the reality of the fire and its damage and our loss, but in a way I still feel like at some point I will be back there and things will go back to “normal.”  Though we are rebuilding, the house I lived in for nearly 10 years is gone.  Coming back from New Zealand I knew I was not going back to my house on Tamora but I never quite anticipated the feeling of having no home until I got back. 

Being abroad, though amazing and utterly gratifying it was, has left me with a feeling of gypsy-like status.  For six months I lived there, making friends, building a life, making a new routine, only to be stripped of it.  Of course I knew the reality of this inevitable happening but it was only when I got back to Colorado did I realize the gravity of it.  But with all this traveling and moving, I know that this is yet just another changing of scenery.  No change, no matter how unwelcomed it is can make you lose your sense of home, your center, your groundedness unless you give up the power for it to do so. 

 
I know that even after the fire and after being abroad, I still shy away from change and respond fearfully of changes to come.  This fear manifests in the form of anxiety and prevents me from many things, from being present, from taking responsibility and initiative, from being happy and content with what I have. 

Though studying abroad did not take away this fear it did show me that I can conquer these fears by simple, conscious choosing, awareness and action.  It is when I am consciously directing my thought patterns and emotions that I feel my best and truly feel like I am being myself.  When I choose love and happiness instead of fear and self-loathing, I change the course of my path as a direct result.  Being abroad, this awareness of my ability to steer my thoughts and emotions increased my empowerment immensely.  But I now know, being back home, back with all the imminent and varying responsibilities of school and “real” life, it would be all too easy to slip back into old habits.  I already see these thoughts and feelings creeping up, the same fears, and I  know that now is the time to take preemptive action, deal with, and let go of these fears before they stack up. 

 

I know I am fearful and anxious about going back to school, back to tough classes and the “routine, and I also know further back in my mind is the fear of my imminent graduation from college.  I think what New Zealand taught me though was that I can’t keep running away from my fears.  In order to overcome them, I have to face them head on.

Though I hoped and prayed that being abroad would automatically do the trick, I know now that it is going to take more effort and conscious choosing on my part to do so.  So, I think it’s time to get over these fears, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of failing, the fear of the unknown, in order to move forward with my life and to trust the process and trust that I am on the right path.

Though it may take a bit to find my footing so to speak and to settle back into life back here, I know conscious choosing of love and happiness is completely on my shoulders and also a free and simple choice to make if I choose to believe that I do in fact deserve such happiness and contentment.  I know my home is within me, and my peace and groundedness is not shaken by external factors.  

Being in New Zealand taught me that I can create and recreate whatever life and whatever path I choose to follow and though I’ve run from this sense of responsibility in the past, it is time I let go of this fear and trust that in each moment I am moving forward with awareness of my infinite potential to love and be loved.  For this point in time, this day, this moment, marks yet another new beginning.