New Beginnings

Less than 3 days ago, after nearly 24 hours of traveling, my mom, brother and I (accompanied by nearly 10 pounds of Whittaker’s chocolate and Tim Tams) made it safely back to Colorado.  After sitting on a plane for 13 plus hours and repacking our suitcases to meet the weight limit, needless to say, we were all exhausted.  Yet, there I was at 3 in the morning, wide-awake.  Sure I could have started unpacking but that would somehow solidify the fact that I was home, so instead I tossed and turned in my bed.

As my internal clock has slowly begun to reset itself, I find myself wishing I were back in New Zealand, back to the land of the endless pastures of lush green grass speckled with herds of sheep, back to the left side of the road, back to the brief taste of summer and warm sunny days.  As ready as I was to come home after six months and as excited as I was to see family, friends, and of course Calvin my cat, now that I am back, the nostalgia for this beautiful country of New Zealand is kicking in.  Though I love Colorado and the beauty it contains, going back into winter, to dead brown grass, below freezing temperatures and blowing snow is a little bit more of a shock than I anticipated. 

 

 I drove for the first time this morning, on the “right” side of the road, and though it wasn’t hugely difficult switching back, I did have to kind of retrain my mind.  Other little adjustments have needed to be made, ones I never even thought I’d have to think twice about, like retraining myself to the buttons on my old phone, simple mundane habits that I have since forgotten.

With this, other changes, more welcomed changes, include the much more affordable price of food, the taste of a Chipotle burrito, the nonexistent sand-fly population, and the luxury of central heating. 

 It’s just so mind-blowing to think that less than a week ago I was on the opposite side of the globe nearing the end of a 6-month long journey and in less than 24 hours I was back “home.”  Coming back to Colorado has not entirely felt like coming home though.  Since the fire, we have been renting a house pretty much on the opposite side of town.  Though the rental house is nice, it doesn’t quite have the homey feel.  Because we got out with the bare minimals plus some treasured mementos, the rental house came fully furnished.  In a way, this home very much has the feeling of a hotel, a temporary state of residence, which thankfully it is.  While we rebuild our house, which will be completely different in design, but on the same lot our old house was, this will be our temporary home.

I look out my window and see Pikes Peak dusted by the day’s storm and Garden of the Gods nestled in its arms and form a mental picture in my mind of the place I used to call home.  I have not yet since been back to view for myself what is left and although I plan on it, I haven’t quite felt prepared to face it.  I know I’ve accepted the reality of the fire and its damage and our loss, but in a way I still feel like at some point I will be back there and things will go back to “normal.”  Though we are rebuilding, the house I lived in for nearly 10 years is gone.  Coming back from New Zealand I knew I was not going back to my house on Tamora but I never quite anticipated the feeling of having no home until I got back. 

Being abroad, though amazing and utterly gratifying it was, has left me with a feeling of gypsy-like status.  For six months I lived there, making friends, building a life, making a new routine, only to be stripped of it.  Of course I knew the reality of this inevitable happening but it was only when I got back to Colorado did I realize the gravity of it.  But with all this traveling and moving, I know that this is yet just another changing of scenery.  No change, no matter how unwelcomed it is can make you lose your sense of home, your center, your groundedness unless you give up the power for it to do so. 

 
I know that even after the fire and after being abroad, I still shy away from change and respond fearfully of changes to come.  This fear manifests in the form of anxiety and prevents me from many things, from being present, from taking responsibility and initiative, from being happy and content with what I have. 

Though studying abroad did not take away this fear it did show me that I can conquer these fears by simple, conscious choosing, awareness and action.  It is when I am consciously directing my thought patterns and emotions that I feel my best and truly feel like I am being myself.  When I choose love and happiness instead of fear and self-loathing, I change the course of my path as a direct result.  Being abroad, this awareness of my ability to steer my thoughts and emotions increased my empowerment immensely.  But I now know, being back home, back with all the imminent and varying responsibilities of school and “real” life, it would be all too easy to slip back into old habits.  I already see these thoughts and feelings creeping up, the same fears, and I  know that now is the time to take preemptive action, deal with, and let go of these fears before they stack up. 

 

I know I am fearful and anxious about going back to school, back to tough classes and the “routine, and I also know further back in my mind is the fear of my imminent graduation from college.  I think what New Zealand taught me though was that I can’t keep running away from my fears.  In order to overcome them, I have to face them head on.

Though I hoped and prayed that being abroad would automatically do the trick, I know now that it is going to take more effort and conscious choosing on my part to do so.  So, I think it’s time to get over these fears, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of failing, the fear of the unknown, in order to move forward with my life and to trust the process and trust that I am on the right path.

Though it may take a bit to find my footing so to speak and to settle back into life back here, I know conscious choosing of love and happiness is completely on my shoulders and also a free and simple choice to make if I choose to believe that I do in fact deserve such happiness and contentment.  I know my home is within me, and my peace and groundedness is not shaken by external factors.  

Being in New Zealand taught me that I can create and recreate whatever life and whatever path I choose to follow and though I’ve run from this sense of responsibility in the past, it is time I let go of this fear and trust that in each moment I am moving forward with awareness of my infinite potential to love and be loved.  For this point in time, this day, this moment, marks yet another new beginning.