New Beginnings

Less than 3 days ago, after nearly 24 hours of traveling, my mom, brother and I (accompanied by nearly 10 pounds of Whittaker’s chocolate and Tim Tams) made it safely back to Colorado.  After sitting on a plane for 13 plus hours and repacking our suitcases to meet the weight limit, needless to say, we were all exhausted.  Yet, there I was at 3 in the morning, wide-awake.  Sure I could have started unpacking but that would somehow solidify the fact that I was home, so instead I tossed and turned in my bed.

As my internal clock has slowly begun to reset itself, I find myself wishing I were back in New Zealand, back to the land of the endless pastures of lush green grass speckled with herds of sheep, back to the left side of the road, back to the brief taste of summer and warm sunny days.  As ready as I was to come home after six months and as excited as I was to see family, friends, and of course Calvin my cat, now that I am back, the nostalgia for this beautiful country of New Zealand is kicking in.  Though I love Colorado and the beauty it contains, going back into winter, to dead brown grass, below freezing temperatures and blowing snow is a little bit more of a shock than I anticipated. 

 

 I drove for the first time this morning, on the “right” side of the road, and though it wasn’t hugely difficult switching back, I did have to kind of retrain my mind.  Other little adjustments have needed to be made, ones I never even thought I’d have to think twice about, like retraining myself to the buttons on my old phone, simple mundane habits that I have since forgotten.

With this, other changes, more welcomed changes, include the much more affordable price of food, the taste of a Chipotle burrito, the nonexistent sand-fly population, and the luxury of central heating. 

 It’s just so mind-blowing to think that less than a week ago I was on the opposite side of the globe nearing the end of a 6-month long journey and in less than 24 hours I was back “home.”  Coming back to Colorado has not entirely felt like coming home though.  Since the fire, we have been renting a house pretty much on the opposite side of town.  Though the rental house is nice, it doesn’t quite have the homey feel.  Because we got out with the bare minimals plus some treasured mementos, the rental house came fully furnished.  In a way, this home very much has the feeling of a hotel, a temporary state of residence, which thankfully it is.  While we rebuild our house, which will be completely different in design, but on the same lot our old house was, this will be our temporary home.

I look out my window and see Pikes Peak dusted by the day’s storm and Garden of the Gods nestled in its arms and form a mental picture in my mind of the place I used to call home.  I have not yet since been back to view for myself what is left and although I plan on it, I haven’t quite felt prepared to face it.  I know I’ve accepted the reality of the fire and its damage and our loss, but in a way I still feel like at some point I will be back there and things will go back to “normal.”  Though we are rebuilding, the house I lived in for nearly 10 years is gone.  Coming back from New Zealand I knew I was not going back to my house on Tamora but I never quite anticipated the feeling of having no home until I got back. 

Being abroad, though amazing and utterly gratifying it was, has left me with a feeling of gypsy-like status.  For six months I lived there, making friends, building a life, making a new routine, only to be stripped of it.  Of course I knew the reality of this inevitable happening but it was only when I got back to Colorado did I realize the gravity of it.  But with all this traveling and moving, I know that this is yet just another changing of scenery.  No change, no matter how unwelcomed it is can make you lose your sense of home, your center, your groundedness unless you give up the power for it to do so. 

 
I know that even after the fire and after being abroad, I still shy away from change and respond fearfully of changes to come.  This fear manifests in the form of anxiety and prevents me from many things, from being present, from taking responsibility and initiative, from being happy and content with what I have. 

Though studying abroad did not take away this fear it did show me that I can conquer these fears by simple, conscious choosing, awareness and action.  It is when I am consciously directing my thought patterns and emotions that I feel my best and truly feel like I am being myself.  When I choose love and happiness instead of fear and self-loathing, I change the course of my path as a direct result.  Being abroad, this awareness of my ability to steer my thoughts and emotions increased my empowerment immensely.  But I now know, being back home, back with all the imminent and varying responsibilities of school and “real” life, it would be all too easy to slip back into old habits.  I already see these thoughts and feelings creeping up, the same fears, and I  know that now is the time to take preemptive action, deal with, and let go of these fears before they stack up. 

 

I know I am fearful and anxious about going back to school, back to tough classes and the “routine, and I also know further back in my mind is the fear of my imminent graduation from college.  I think what New Zealand taught me though was that I can’t keep running away from my fears.  In order to overcome them, I have to face them head on.

Though I hoped and prayed that being abroad would automatically do the trick, I know now that it is going to take more effort and conscious choosing on my part to do so.  So, I think it’s time to get over these fears, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of failing, the fear of the unknown, in order to move forward with my life and to trust the process and trust that I am on the right path.

Though it may take a bit to find my footing so to speak and to settle back into life back here, I know conscious choosing of love and happiness is completely on my shoulders and also a free and simple choice to make if I choose to believe that I do in fact deserve such happiness and contentment.  I know my home is within me, and my peace and groundedness is not shaken by external factors.  

Being in New Zealand taught me that I can create and recreate whatever life and whatever path I choose to follow and though I’ve run from this sense of responsibility in the past, it is time I let go of this fear and trust that in each moment I am moving forward with awareness of my infinite potential to love and be loved.  For this point in time, this day, this moment, marks yet another new beginning.

The Stages of Change

Returning to Dunedin after a four-day tramp on the Greenstone-Caples Track, I reflect upon the role change plays in our lives.  On this beautiful hike through the picturesque valleys and mossy forests, I witnessed change in scenery literally with every step.  From the flowing blue rivers to the open, sheep-filled pastures, to the mossy forests and steep mountainsides, I was able to witness a plethora of views, each different and beautiful in their own light.

Throughout this journey, I felt changes within myself as well.  One moment I was in awe of the scenery around me and so appreciative of the endless beauty and the next moment I was feeling tired and worn down. I forgot how much tramping challenges me to push outside of my comfort zone and move beyond these boundaries.  Not only is it physically challenging but mentally challenging as well.  As much as my feet ached at times and as itchy as my sandfly bites were though, I worked to shift these negative thoughts to that of appreciation for where I was and the wonderful company I was in. 
 

  

Though I did succumb to the negative emotions at one point or another on the tramp, I consciously was aware of the fact that I could shift my mood at any point.  Generally speaking, I know that at any point in time I am completely capable of changing and altering my state of mind to that of positivity and love.  In the same breadth, I know my mind struggles to make this shift from negativity.  

This study abroad experience has given me the opportunity to take responsibility for myself and to consciously choose the moments when I work toward changing these thoughts and the moments when I choose to remain stuck in old habitual ways of thinking.   

As I begin packing up four months worth of clothes, memories and mementos I notice this overwhelming sense of fear simmering inside.  This fear stems from the awareness of impending change.  My study abroad experience has come to a close and after saying my goodbyes to all the friends I have made on this journey, I notice feelings of fear arising.  This fear is that of the awareness that this stage of the journey is ending and a new one is about to begin.  

My family arrives in Dunedin tomorrow, marking the official beginning of the next stage of change.  I will be entering into the stage where I will be showing my family the beauty of New Zealand that I have been able to experience these past four months.  Being abroad, I feel as though I have been in somewhat of an alternate reality, a far-off dream to my life back home.  This study abroad bubble I have been in these past couple of months has been filled with new friends, amazing adventures and the opportunity to grow.  This bubble has been my own since day one and it has given me the chance to take the reins on what type of experience I wanted to have. 

Come tomorrow morning, my family will enter this bubble, closing the gap between my life here in New Zealand and my life back home.  The closure of this gap almost in a way solidifies the fact that this experience was real and not just some dream.

Having my family here will mark the end of this separate experience I’ve had these past couple of months.  This impending change is something I both welcome and fear.  I am so excited to see my family and to show them the places I’ve been and to travel with them to places I have not seen.  At the same time, I am aware of the fact that my family will be in a way, invading this bubble and entering into my little world here in New Zealand. 

Before coming to New Zealand, I envisioned myself shedding the anxieties and worries that have for so long plagued my mind.  And as I reflect upon the changes I’ve made within myself, I know that some of these struggles still remain.  I know I have grown and learned a lot these past couple of months but I also know some changes may not have happened as planned.  As disappointing and frustrating as this has felt at times, I know that I’ve done the best that I could.  I am anxious for my family to witness these changes within myself and I also fear that I have not changed as much as I would have liked to. 

 I feel like I put all this pressure on myself to come out of this experience a changed and refined version of myself and although I know I have grown a lot, I am still me.  These changes may not have been drastic or hugely noticeable, but that’s okay.  Change is a process, sometimes slow and painful, other times fast or unexpected.  Each type of change is different.  What must stay the same is the way in which we deal with these changes.  Whether we run scared or accept and face these changes head on or whether we welcome them with open arms.   

After I travel for a whole month with my family, spending two weeks on the south island and two weeks on the north island, I will finally be returning back to Colorado.  As I begin to think about what this will be like, I notice this familiar feeling of fear.  I will be returning home but not to the home I once knew and loved.  My house is no longer as a result of the fire and although I have accepted this, I know that once I am back in Colorado will this reality fully sink in.  I will not be returning to the home I once knew but to a rental house.  I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this nor the fact that in less than a month I will be back to my “real” life.  Going back to Colorado is going to be such a change, one that I am both ready and anxious for. 

I do not know how I will adjust to this change but I do know that one thing this journey has taught me is that change really is the only constant in life.  It is the one thing that we can always rely on, the one thing we can always definitively know will happen.  

Change happens moment to moment, day to day, and ranges from small changes like change in scenery to larger more impactful changes like the growth within ourselves.  Each day we are presented with opportunities to grow and learn and each leads to a change within ourselves.  Change is a continual non-linear process.  It is one of moving forward and backward, of succeeding and of failing. 

Change is also a state of mind.  We change our realities with our thoughts.  Each thought gives us the opportunity to grab ahold or let pass on by.  With each positive thought, we move forward through positive change.  We must consciously decide to latch onto these positive thoughts.  Change comes in waves, in stages, and whether this change happens slowly or within a matter of seconds, we grow and learn all the same.  

The thing we must remember is to welcome change because this shift is what leads to positive growth.  When we welcome change, we acknowledge and accept the opportunity to grow and move toward our natural state of love.  So as I finish packing up my room, I acknowledge the end of this stage and the beginning of the next stage of the journey, and I begin to welcome this change and appreciate it as yet another opportunity to learn and grow.

A Positive Outlook

As I look outside my window at the beautiful, clear, blue sky a smile begins to form on my lips.  Despite the stress of this past week studying for exams worth half of my grade, I feel relatively at peace.  Generally speaking, I feel like I’ve managed to keep a level head throughout this month of examinations, knowing that all I can do is my best.  That isn’t to say there haven’t been moments of panic these past weeks at the thought of not passing one of my classes here. 

All exaggerating aside, there is a realistic chance of this happening.  The thought of this possible failure has overwhelmed me from time to time these past couple of weeks but I think I’ve slowly come to the realization that no matter what happens and what grade I get, I know that I did my best.  And I also know that if I do fail, then it is simply life’s way of giving me an opportunity to learn and grow from. 

These thoughts seem to ease a lot of my fears, especially around this fear of failing and I know that fear itself is such a fleeting emotion.  It comes and it goes, in cyclical, almost predictive patterns and I know that if I act fast I can prevent it from taking over altogether. 

So that’s what I have tried to do throughout this period of high stress; I’ve been working on noticing and acknowledging the fear and anxiety, detaching myself from it and observing it from an outsider’s perspective and then finally letting go of it.  This fear is not who I am.  It is merely a symptom of the ego. 

By detaching myself from this fear, I’ve begun to realize that I am so much more than my thoughts, so much more than my emotions.  I know I struggle to not get wrapped up in this negative thought pattern and I know that it is simply a result of habit, a maladaptive pattern of conditioning.

These past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed changes in my mood that will happen literally from one second to the next.  One moment I felt stressed and anxious about an exam and the next moment I felt calm and relatively at peace.  You would think this shifting of emotions, literally in the blink of an eye, would make me feel like I’m going crazy or losing my grip on things. 

And sure maybe my ego was losing its grip on things in feeling like it didn’t have any control in how well I did.  But the truth is this is not the real me that felt like it was falling apart.  It was simply my ego feeling like it was on the brink of losing its grip on things and losing control.  My mom sent me a quote by Yogi Amrit Desai that has been stuck in my mind ever since:

 “When you feel like you are falling apart, it is not you who is falling apart; it is who you are not.  The real you can never fall apart.” 

This quote really struck a cord within me and has made me come to many realizations.  We are not our emotions nor are we our thoughts, or even our personality.  We are all so much more than that.  We are souls, full of love and life.  This is the part of us that remains constant, ever-stable and resistant to external influences. 

I think I’m finally opening my eyes and heart to the truth in that I am so much more than this façade, I am so much more than my personality, than my body, than the thoughts and emotions that go along with these.  The real me is not influenced by how thin I am, how pretty I am or even how well I do in school.  When I feel like these are the things that define me I know that is when I have lost the connection with this inner, whole and all-loving part of me. 

Although I am just beginning to learn that what truly matters in life is the love you have for yourself and the love you give to others, it does not change the fact that I am still human.  I still have these human characteristics (thoughts, emotions, bodily ties) that do have a say in how I carry myself.  Even though I know the real me is so much more than the thoughts I have or the emotions I feel, I know that this realization does not do away with these instinctual primal instincts. 

I know that these negative thoughts and emotions are fleeting and truly do come and go and this realization has led me to believe that I truly do have power over what I think and feel.  I can consciously choose to feel stressed or think negative thoughts or I can consciously choose to shift my focus to the positive things in life.  This conscious choosing really does impact on how quickly your mood and mindset can change.  Even today, after getting out of my last exam, feeling a bit discouraged, I simply decided to shift my focus on the positive: the beautiful blue sky, the warm sunshine on my face, and the fact that I will get to spend the next couple of days with the friends I’ve made here in New Zealand. 

As my time here in New Zealand is quickly coming to a close, all sorts of thoughts and emotions come up: mainly sadness of leaving and the regret of things I didn’t do or changes I didn’t make within myself.  Despite these negative feelings, I choose to shift my focus on these last couple of days and to truly enjoy my time with the friends I’ve made. 

As I shift my perspective from dwelling on the negative to basking in all the wonder and beauty surrounding me, I find myself content and at peace with where I am.  I am thoroughly grateful and appreciative of this opportunity that I’ve had to come abroad and to have all of these wonderful experiences. 

I also know that my outlook on this experience and in life in general is greatly determined by my conscious choosing.  I can choose to dwell on the regrets, the mistakes, the negatives or I can choose to focus on all the good that is around me each and every moment.  Being in New Zealand has made me realize that each and every moment is a new moment, a chance to consciously choose happiness and love over doubt, fear and second-guessing. 

My gaze shifts back to my now open bedroom window and as I look up at the beautiful blue sky and bask in the sunshine pouring down on me, I smile and relish in the beauty and simplicity of what I have in this moment.