Surrender

These past couple of days have been some of the most eye-opening, soul-reviving moments I've had in a while.  I feel like I'm finally beginning to make and see changes in myself as a result of this ever-striving conscious effort to face these internal struggles of mine.  

A relationship I had truly invested my heart into came to an end, a bittersweet loss of someone I truly care about.  Yet, as difficult as this was to do, I intuitively knew that it was not fulfilling the longing in my heart nor in my soul.  Transitioning from this ending, my heart has been beckoning ever closer, nudging me to surrender to its call.  I feel like I am at a pivotal moment of choosing, to continue down the path of self-perpetuating negative beliefs and behaviors that do not serve me, or to start listening to the call within me, to direct this energy into healing myself and reconnecting with my spirituality, surrendering to God, to Spirit.

For so long, I've fought and struggled for the control over myself, my behaviors with the food and the exercise, struggling constantly with the anxiety, trying desperately to keep it at bay.  A strange shift is occurring though, and I'm finally starting to prioritize myself, my happiness and my deep-held values of health, balance, connection and spirituality.  This isn't to say the controlling, anxious thoughts have gone away, yet I feel as though my attachment to them is weakening each day I redirect to positive, self-serving ones.  

Though the urge to turn to food still surfaces, my conscious choosing in not doing so has dramatically increased.  I feel more aware of this choice I have, one we all have, to direct our energy into these addictive cycles or to consciously take a step back and recognize what we are really craving.  For me, when I turn to food, I am really looking to surrender to something, to loosen the control I have, to temporarily fill this void, this longing within me.  

Yet I am beginning to realize that whether it is food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, what have you, these external attachments merely symbolize our innate desire for escape from the sometimes harsh, negative world. When I subconsciously choose to turn to food, what I am really doing is misdirecting my energy.  As odd as it may sound, considering the societal view of addictions as weakness, I really think regardless of the misguided energy, they are truly a source of power and determination to get what we want and to get it now.  

When I realized this, it was like a whole new perception of the eating disorder came into my mind's eye.  I am beginning to recognize this power within me and redirect it toward healing myself and reconnecting within, instead of self-sabotaging my health and happiness.  I'm beginning to realize that the food is truly an empty avenue into fear, depression and lack of presence.  In a way, I feel like the eating disorder, or any addiction or attachment is the soul's way of getting our attention and waking us up to start living out our true life's purpose, to listen to the calling and passion within us all.

We all have unique, amazing gifts and once we start incorporating them into our lives and really let our souls sing through whatever expression it may be, a strange yet natural shift happens.  Old habits and addictions slough off and we begin to flow with life instead of fighting upstream.  When we surrender to our calling and consciously listen to our heart our life takes on a whole new meaning.  

I find myself going through this shift currently, literally being awaken out of sleep with persistent nudging epiphanies.  I feel this calling in my soul to create a group where soul-minded individuals can come together to meet and discuss spirituality, to meditate, and to support each other through authentic and vulnerable sharing of our stories and struggles.  I foresee this group serving as a sanctuary for those who like myself, are on this spiritual journey back to ourselves, back to our natural state of love.  As I am about to graduate, I feel this desire growing and growing, recognizing my soul's calling to create my own field of work if you will.  Who knows where this path will take me and as scared and vulnerable as I feel putting myself out there, I know that this is something I cannot ignore.  

I do not know what the end result will be or even the exact details of how things would go, but I do know and trust on a soul level that this is something I truly desire to do.  I want to create this space for people to come and take this journey alongside me, to direct our energy into positive, loving and nurturing thoughts and practices to encourage one another in our own unique journeys.

It is a journey I am committed to, a journey of questioning, awakening and ultimately surrendering.  When we begin to really listen and surrender to the call within us, we find something we never thought we were looking for: ourselves.  This journey back to ourselves, the real us, the constant, all-loving eternal part of us, is truly a life-long one but one we must take in order to find what we are looking for, the love, the bliss, the vivacity within us all that is simply waiting to be awakened.