Facing Resistance

As I sit in my room at the ashram, rain spattering against my window and thunder echoing in the distance, I contemplate the storm that has been rising within me. This storm is one I am familiar with yet one I don't think I've ever faced head on.  Being at the ashram, in a whole new environment and rigorous schedule of meditation and seva, the instinctual urge to run away has been coming to surface, with the force of something I hugely underestimated.

The thoughts of leaving and returning home where I am comfortable existing in the thought patterns of my mind has been an extremely tempting escape plan. Today was my first official day off, a whole day to myself.  Feeling tired and a bit down, I retreated to my room after breakfast to take a nap. Soon enough, as expected, I was left wallowing in a dark cloud of negative energy, wishing desperately that I were elsewhere.  The dark cloud of depression momentarily overtook me, as I sunk deeper into this space.  The thoughts of regret of leaving something I had committed to, fear of what I would do if I did leave, the potential feeling of failure, letting my parents and the people here down, but mostly knowing I would be letting myself down in the end consumed me.

It has been a struggle dealing with these strong embedded feelings of wanting to distract or run away when things get tough. Being here, forced to meditate and encouraged to remain conscious and present throughout my day has been the biggest of challenges. My subconscious urge to numb out or go unconscious when I am existing in this negative space of anxiety or obsession over the food or exercise or being pulled into the thoughts of not wanting to be here have caused me to withdraw from the experience in the present and my interaction with others.

I keep questioning why I am here, why this is so hard for me and if this is the right time and place for me. A huge part of me wants to leave, but there is a voice within me that is saying that this is the opportunity of a lifetime and I would regret leaving so soon. This voice within me urges me to keep sticking it out for one more day.  All along, I've been trying to tune into my intuition, trying to find that wise voice within me that knows what's best for me.

Yet, I am struggling to hear this subdued voice.  I keep hoping in meditation, I'll receive that affirmative knowingness that either this is what I need right now and to just keep going or that this maybe isn't exactly the time or place for me at this point in my life.  Whatever the message is, I just wish I knew what to do. It's confusing, overwhelming, draining and terrifying not knowing if I am where I am supposed to be. Part of me knows I need to just take this experience for what it is or is not and let go of all expectations and the pressure I've put on myself to change. Another part of me wants to slap me across the face and tell me to suck it up, that I should be grateful for where I am at and the opportunity I have to grow and learn. The other part of me, the one that has seemed the most convincing, is the part that says it's too much too soon and that there are other ways to grow besides being secluded in an ashram community such as this.

All of these different thoughts and feelings, combined with the not knowing of what voice is the inner voice, the one that really does have my best interest in mind, are creating a lot of resistance within me.  This resistance is something I am not sure how to deal with.  There have been times when I have put into place the practice of tuning into my breath or repeating the mantras encouraged here and temporarily they help, but it seems just that, a temporary fix to a long-time problem.  The people here keep telling me that this is normal and it's all about strengthening the mind and creating new grooves with new, positive thought patterns but I wonder if this is even possible for me. I desperately want it but is that truly enough? Maybe this type of setting works for some people but maybe it doesn't work for me. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I am a lost cause and change is possible for only certain types of people.

I just wish it were easier to distinguish and tune into my intuition, trusting my gut instinct as to what to do. Feeling lost, confused, overwhelmed and not sure which way is up or even if I am headed in the right direction has been hugely prevalent these past couple of days. I keep wondering when this will get easier and the feedback I get is that it doesn't; you just get better at detaching from the thoughts and observing rather than getting sucked into the emotions. I wish this were more encouraging but all I hear is that it never gets easier and that it is something you are constantly working on.

Facing this shadow within me, the negative thoughts and feelings and not turning to food or exercise are the areas I am trying to focus my energy on. Recognizing my tendency of the mind to convince me that I would be happier back home, or working, or traveling, I realize this habit merely tries to keep me in a state of discontent with the present.  It is an illusion that my mind tricks me into believing is true, that if I only I were elsewhere, or doing something else, then I would feel better. I recognize this external attachment to basing my happiness and mood on my environment or my body.  I know happiness can only come from within, but knowing and actually feeling and living this is something I struggle with. Existing in the discomfort of resistance, the overwhelming feeling of being lost and confused and unsure of where my path lay, I know all I can do is take it one step, one breath at a time, surrendering to the experience, whatever shape, form or duration it may take.

A Day in the Life of an Ashram

It has only been three full days since I have been at the ashram but it already feels like I've been here for much longer. Waking up before the crack of dawn has been an adjustment to say the least. Each time I've heard the buzzing of my alarm, my body cries out in resistance, wishing it were elsewhere, free to sleep for just a few more hours.  Once I've gotten over my mini pity party of dragging myself out of bed, my hips and back sore from yoga and meditation the previous day, I grab ahold of the smallest bit of desire I can muster and gradually remember why I came here.

Each morning, I attend temple with the other staff and members of the ashram for a half hour of chanting in Sanskrit from what is called the "Guru Gita", an ancient Hindu scripture. Sanskrit is a foreignly beautiful, yet difficult to master language that has not come to flow off my tongue as quickly as the perfectionist in me would like.

After chanting, we sit for a half hour of silent meditation, which I thought would come a lot easier with my previous experience with it.  But, this morning, I found my knees and inner thighs were just not having it, probably due to the much more extended amount of sitting meditation I do here compared to back home.  Though it has been an adjustment battling the achy woes of my body, I am trying my best to be compassionate with myself.

After the morning practice, a mouth-watering breakfast is served. Without a doubt, the food here is the best food I have ever had.  All of their vegetables and herbs are grown here at the ashram and are not only so fresh tasting but delicious as well.  I've already noticed myself becoming more mindful around mealtime, really trying to savor each and every bite and slow down the process of sometimes mindless eating.

Between meals is "seva," or selfless service, which basically is how I am able to stay here for free.  In exchange for work, I am given food, housing and free access to yoga classes. My seva has consisted of cleaning the lodge, so a lot of sweeping, mopping, bathroom cleaning, laundry folding and general tidying up.  I have also been able to help out in the garden in the afternoons and learn more about the sustainability of the community.  It is encouraged to repeat mantras during work, which is basically a way to consciously bring awareness to the task at hand and bring presence to the breath.  The most common mantra encouraged is "Om Namah Shivaya", which translates to "I bow to Shiva." Shiva is the inner, true Self that dwells within us all.

Doing this mantra repetition has been an eye-opening experience thus far, as it gets me out of my head and pulls me out of the anxious ramblings of my mind. It also has made me aware of the pattern of my mind and desire to complete the project, whatever it may be, as quickly as possible.  When I've noticed this desire to rush through the task, going back to the mantra has helped to slow things down and bring my awareness back to the present.

In the afternoon, we are given a mere hour break of free time to either attend a hatha yoga class or do something else of our choosing.  I've mixed it up by doing yoga classes and going on a run or a hike.  This has been a bit challenging in choosing between the two, so I'm trying to alternate every other day. The obsessive runner in me has been a bit antsy but not as much as I expected.  I'm still trying to come to peace with giving up the "routine" of running for x amount of time each day and just be okay with the exercise I do get in.  The thoughts around food have lessened a bit as well, but I am still struggling to fully let go of the obsessive thoughts and just tune into what my body wants at a given moment.  I think I'm realizing how much effort and practice it takes to shift old patterns of habit, particularly strong ones like these.  But, I know all I can do is take it one day at a time and just keep moving forward.

Initially coming to the ashram caused a lot of anxiety within me.  I wasn't sure if I was doing the "right" thing by coming here or if the time was right. I still can't say exactly why I am here but I do know that this experience is going to be whatever it needs to be at this point in my life. I feel as though I have entered into another world here, an alternate reality if you will. The people here have formed a tight knit family of people who truly love one another and support each other along the path to God and inner enlightenment.  Most of the people have been living here for up to ten years or more. It's crazy, a bit intimidating, yet inspiring all the same to see that this really can be a lifestyle for those who truly desire and prioritize their inner growth.

It's still a bit overwhelming not knowing all the ins and outs of the ashram and the belief system but I have tried coming back to my intention before coming here, to be open to anything and everything.  I feel almost like a sponge, simply trying to absorb all the wisdom and knowledge from the elder staff.  And I know I can't expect to learn it all within three days, but I do want to get all I can out of this experience. Within the short time span that I have been here, I can say I've experienced the full array of emotions: the initial elation of coming here, frustration over the lack of focus and physical aches, confusion over why I am here and resistance to letting go of habitual thought patterns and behaviors.

I am still unsure of and a little resistant to the changes that I know are in store for me but I am trying to focus on letting this experience be whatever it needs to be and not get caught up in reasoning my way through it. So, here's to the next month or so of this journey I am on, a journey into the unknown, remaining present and open to whatever growth may occur, trusting that I am right where I need to be.

The Unknown

I sit here now, fingers hovering over the keyboard, unsure of where to begin.  These past few weeks have flashed by in a blur, leaving me feeling unsteady and off balance.  Phases of my life have come to a close.  Finishing up my internship in the town I called home for four years, packing up and moving back home and saying goodbye to friends and places I grew to love.  This ending of my college career was bitter sweet.  On one hand, it feels rewarding knowing my hard work paid off but on the other hand, I feel at a loss for where I am to go from here.

It has slowly begun to sink in more and more each day that I don't have a set "plan" for the next phase of my life.  Even though I am excited to explore and find my passion in life, I've been feeling overwhelmed and intimidated about where to begin.  I feel as though I've lost part of my identity as a student and have entered into this limbo phase, a phase I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable with.

The same fear has crept back up, consuming my thoughts.  The same record of "I'm not good enough" and the fear of failure have permeated into the forefront of my mind.  It's a feeling I know all too well, yet its grip on me feels stronger than ever.  I know that fear is such an illusion and to get caught up in it is to stifle any forward growth and progress but sometimes it feels like a downward spiral, one that feels too familiar to resist.  I want to be free of this fear, these old negative beliefs I have about myself and for the love of God, the eating disorder.

I desperately want to let go of this fear that keeps me stuck in the self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety and depression yet I don't know exactly how to do so.  I feel like I am aware of these negative patterns of thinking and behaving, yet the subconscious drive to remain in this state of being outweighs the desire to change.  I know from experience the exhilarating feeling when I consciously shift my energy to more positive and loving, but the habitual state of my being seems geared toward the negative.  My focus seems to more often than not, be on the problem areas in my life, the struggle, the lack of, and a feeling of discontent with the present moment.  Each time I find myself in a state of fear or anxiety, I know that it is the result of not remaining present in the moment.

When I am present and enjoying the moment for what it is, whether it be a good conversation, hiking, reading or biking, I can't help but feel momentarily free of the fear.  It is when I begin to get caught up in the fear-based thoughts of the food, the future, the past or anything that is unrelated to what I am experiencing at a given moment, that I get sucked back into this negative space.  And, this negative space is such a suffocating place to be in that it sometimes seems near impossible to pull myself out of it.

When I look at my life and all the reasons I should be happy, I feel utterly selfish for playing the "poor me" card.  I know that I am so unbelievably blessed and privileged to be living the life I am.  Yet, this feeling of discontent keeps surfacing and my mind always finds reasons not to be happy.  Whether it's feeling undeserving of happiness because I still see these flaws in me, mainly the eating disorder, or it feels normal to remain in this state of discontent.

Yet, when I look at all the opportunities that I have been given, I can't help but feel grateful for all the good I have in my life.  Tomorrow, I will leave to go stay at an ashram for a couple of months doing a work/study program where I will stay for free, attend meditation and yoga sessions, in exchange for work.  I have been looking forward to this opportunity ever since I got accepted a month ago and I know only good is going to come from it.  I have always wanted to be apart of a spiritual community like this, to deepen my yoga and spiritual practice and to really get down and dirty with this negative belief system I still carry with me.  It's not going to be easy adjusting to the strict schedule and sinking into a whole new routine but I also know that this is what I need right now.

I need to connect to my soul, my passions, to Spirit and let go of this attachment to fear and anxiety.  It is far overdue.  I can't say I know entirely what to expect from this experience but I do know that in order for there to be growth, I must maintain an open heart and mind.  I cannot get caught up in the fear of the unknown or the fear of change because resisting will do nothing but prevent me from being present and fully appreciative of this amazing opportunity.

Entering into this next phase of my life, into the unknown with ease and embracing the inner and outer changes that await me is what I know I need to do.  I feel as though this tide of change couldn't have happened at a more opportune time but I still feel myself resisting, unable to fully let go and surrender to the up and coming experience.  And maybe change will never feel comfortable, easy or natural.  It is changes like this, the ones that induce the most fear within me, that I know need to happen in order for there to be growth.  

So, I sit here now, acknowledging the fear, the resistance, the uncertainty.  And I consciously try to shift this energy and my focus to surrendering to what is to come.  As I enter into the unknown, unsure of where it will lead me, I relinquish to Spirit the fear and let go of any expectations of what this experience will look like.  I know only good awaits me, but I also know my tendency to ward off the good that comes my way.  To open my heart, to truly let all the good, the love into my life and trust in the unknown is a gift I know I have within me, a gift I must accept.

So, I rely on my desire to change, to grow, to learn and surrender and open myself up to life, knowing that this desire is a spark that I pray will push me forward into flowing with life instead of struggling upstream.  Tomorrow, I retreat to this spiritual community to shine a light on these shadow parts of me, to rediscover my inner source of light and love, to surrender and let go of all that binds me, trusting that all is well and all will be well, even in the darkness of the unknown.