Facing Resistance

As I sit in my room at the ashram, rain spattering against my window and thunder echoing in the distance, I contemplate the storm that has been rising within me. This storm is one I am familiar with yet one I don't think I've ever faced head on.  Being at the ashram, in a whole new environment and rigorous schedule of meditation and seva, the instinctual urge to run away has been coming to surface, with the force of something I hugely underestimated.

The thoughts of leaving and returning home where I am comfortable existing in the thought patterns of my mind has been an extremely tempting escape plan. Today was my first official day off, a whole day to myself.  Feeling tired and a bit down, I retreated to my room after breakfast to take a nap. Soon enough, as expected, I was left wallowing in a dark cloud of negative energy, wishing desperately that I were elsewhere.  The dark cloud of depression momentarily overtook me, as I sunk deeper into this space.  The thoughts of regret of leaving something I had committed to, fear of what I would do if I did leave, the potential feeling of failure, letting my parents and the people here down, but mostly knowing I would be letting myself down in the end consumed me.

It has been a struggle dealing with these strong embedded feelings of wanting to distract or run away when things get tough. Being here, forced to meditate and encouraged to remain conscious and present throughout my day has been the biggest of challenges. My subconscious urge to numb out or go unconscious when I am existing in this negative space of anxiety or obsession over the food or exercise or being pulled into the thoughts of not wanting to be here have caused me to withdraw from the experience in the present and my interaction with others.

I keep questioning why I am here, why this is so hard for me and if this is the right time and place for me. A huge part of me wants to leave, but there is a voice within me that is saying that this is the opportunity of a lifetime and I would regret leaving so soon. This voice within me urges me to keep sticking it out for one more day.  All along, I've been trying to tune into my intuition, trying to find that wise voice within me that knows what's best for me.

Yet, I am struggling to hear this subdued voice.  I keep hoping in meditation, I'll receive that affirmative knowingness that either this is what I need right now and to just keep going or that this maybe isn't exactly the time or place for me at this point in my life.  Whatever the message is, I just wish I knew what to do. It's confusing, overwhelming, draining and terrifying not knowing if I am where I am supposed to be. Part of me knows I need to just take this experience for what it is or is not and let go of all expectations and the pressure I've put on myself to change. Another part of me wants to slap me across the face and tell me to suck it up, that I should be grateful for where I am at and the opportunity I have to grow and learn. The other part of me, the one that has seemed the most convincing, is the part that says it's too much too soon and that there are other ways to grow besides being secluded in an ashram community such as this.

All of these different thoughts and feelings, combined with the not knowing of what voice is the inner voice, the one that really does have my best interest in mind, are creating a lot of resistance within me.  This resistance is something I am not sure how to deal with.  There have been times when I have put into place the practice of tuning into my breath or repeating the mantras encouraged here and temporarily they help, but it seems just that, a temporary fix to a long-time problem.  The people here keep telling me that this is normal and it's all about strengthening the mind and creating new grooves with new, positive thought patterns but I wonder if this is even possible for me. I desperately want it but is that truly enough? Maybe this type of setting works for some people but maybe it doesn't work for me. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I am a lost cause and change is possible for only certain types of people.

I just wish it were easier to distinguish and tune into my intuition, trusting my gut instinct as to what to do. Feeling lost, confused, overwhelmed and not sure which way is up or even if I am headed in the right direction has been hugely prevalent these past couple of days. I keep wondering when this will get easier and the feedback I get is that it doesn't; you just get better at detaching from the thoughts and observing rather than getting sucked into the emotions. I wish this were more encouraging but all I hear is that it never gets easier and that it is something you are constantly working on.

Facing this shadow within me, the negative thoughts and feelings and not turning to food or exercise are the areas I am trying to focus my energy on. Recognizing my tendency of the mind to convince me that I would be happier back home, or working, or traveling, I realize this habit merely tries to keep me in a state of discontent with the present.  It is an illusion that my mind tricks me into believing is true, that if I only I were elsewhere, or doing something else, then I would feel better. I recognize this external attachment to basing my happiness and mood on my environment or my body.  I know happiness can only come from within, but knowing and actually feeling and living this is something I struggle with. Existing in the discomfort of resistance, the overwhelming feeling of being lost and confused and unsure of where my path lay, I know all I can do is take it one step, one breath at a time, surrendering to the experience, whatever shape, form or duration it may take.