It has slowly begun to sink in more and more each day that I don't have a set "plan" for the next phase of my life. Even though I am excited to explore and find my passion in life, I've been feeling overwhelmed and intimidated about where to begin. I feel as though I've lost part of my identity as a student and have entered into this limbo phase, a phase I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable with.
The same fear has crept back up, consuming my thoughts. The same record of "I'm not good enough" and the fear of failure have permeated into the forefront of my mind. It's a feeling I know all too well, yet its grip on me feels stronger than ever. I know that fear is such an illusion and to get caught up in it is to stifle any forward growth and progress but sometimes it feels like a downward spiral, one that feels too familiar to resist. I want to be free of this fear, these old negative beliefs I have about myself and for the love of God, the eating disorder.
I desperately want to let go of this fear that keeps me stuck in the self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety and depression yet I don't know exactly how to do so. I feel like I am aware of these negative patterns of thinking and behaving, yet the subconscious drive to remain in this state of being outweighs the desire to change. I know from experience the exhilarating feeling when I consciously shift my energy to more positive and loving, but the habitual state of my being seems geared toward the negative. My focus seems to more often than not, be on the problem areas in my life, the struggle, the lack of, and a feeling of discontent with the present moment. Each time I find myself in a state of fear or anxiety, I know that it is the result of not remaining present in the moment.
When I am present and enjoying the moment for what it is, whether it be a good conversation, hiking, reading or biking, I can't help but feel momentarily free of the fear. It is when I begin to get caught up in the fear-based thoughts of the food, the future, the past or anything that is unrelated to what I am experiencing at a given moment, that I get sucked back into this negative space. And, this negative space is such a suffocating place to be in that it sometimes seems near impossible to pull myself out of it.
When I look at my life and all the reasons I should be happy, I feel utterly selfish for playing the "poor me" card. I know that I am so unbelievably blessed and privileged to be living the life I am. Yet, this feeling of discontent keeps surfacing and my mind always finds reasons not to be happy. Whether it's feeling undeserving of happiness because I still see these flaws in me, mainly the eating disorder, or it feels normal to remain in this state of discontent.
Yet, when I look at all the opportunities that I have been given, I can't help but feel grateful for all the good I have in my life. Tomorrow, I will leave to go stay at an ashram for a couple of months doing a work/study program where I will stay for free, attend meditation and yoga sessions, in exchange for work. I have been looking forward to this opportunity ever since I got accepted a month ago and I know only good is going to come from it. I have always wanted to be apart of a spiritual community like this, to deepen my yoga and spiritual practice and to really get down and dirty with this negative belief system I still carry with me. It's not going to be easy adjusting to the strict schedule and sinking into a whole new routine but I also know that this is what I need right now.
I need to connect to my soul, my passions, to Spirit and let go of this attachment to fear and anxiety. It is far overdue. I can't say I know entirely what to expect from this experience but I do know that in order for there to be growth, I must maintain an open heart and mind. I cannot get caught up in the fear of the unknown or the fear of change because resisting will do nothing but prevent me from being present and fully appreciative of this amazing opportunity.
Entering into this next phase of my life, into the unknown with ease and embracing the inner and outer changes that await me is what I know I need to do. I feel as though this tide of change couldn't have happened at a more opportune time but I still feel myself resisting, unable to fully let go and surrender to the up and coming experience. And maybe change will never feel comfortable, easy or natural. It is changes like this, the ones that induce the most fear within me, that I know need to happen in order for there to be growth.
So, I sit here now, acknowledging the fear, the resistance, the uncertainty. And I consciously try to shift this energy and my focus to surrendering to what is to come. As I enter into the unknown, unsure of where it will lead me, I relinquish to Spirit the fear and let go of any expectations of what this experience will look like. I know only good awaits me, but I also know my tendency to ward off the good that comes my way. To open my heart, to truly let all the good, the love into my life and trust in the unknown is a gift I know I have within me, a gift I must accept.
So, I rely on my desire to change, to grow, to learn and surrender and open myself up to life, knowing that this desire is a spark that I pray will push me forward into flowing with life instead of struggling upstream. Tomorrow, I retreat to this spiritual community to shine a light on these shadow parts of me, to rediscover my inner source of light and love, to surrender and let go of all that binds me, trusting that all is well and all will be well, even in the darkness of the unknown.
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