A Shift of Focus

Writing has always been my lifeline, my go to. It is a way to express the words I can't always utter without the aid of a pen, paper or a keyboard. Yet, the words don't always flow easily, especially lately. I feel this longing to free up the space cluttered in my head by minuscule worries and anxieties, fears and doubts, sadness and longing. But, something has prevented me from relinquishing these words and loosening their grip on me.

As I continue to find my way in this limbo time, feeling continually lost and confused as a I search for any sign of where to steer my path, I keep coming up empty handed. Doing my internship and working has not shed any more light on what it is I want to do, though I am beginning to get a clearer picture of what it is I don't want to do. It has been a struggle bringing a positive, eager and appreciative attitude to these opportunities, and I know the deemed shortcomings result from my outlook on both.

I keep hoping each day, the light switch will go on and my life will begin. I keep wishing that this switch will turn off the eating disordered thoughts and snap me out of this. I haven't had a slip up in a couple of weeks now, yet the desire to engage in behaviors is still present. I keep wondering when this will get any easier. The desire and will to overcome this and finally move on with my life keeps surfacing, each time a little bit stronger. Though I haven't engaged in behaviors, my mindlessness around mealtime is still a struggle, and I find myself distracted by feelings of guilt and obsessive thoughts over caloric intake. And before I know it, I've finished eating and I haven't even been able to enjoy the taste of the food I've just consumed.

The calorie counting has recently intensified, and for some reason my mind has latched onto this means to further control and obsess about the food and exercise. Though I know logically calories are such a horrible gage of nutritional value, I can't seem to quite shake this obsessive compulsive tendency to count and recount calories eaten and calories burned. Nearly to the point of being driven mad by such obtrusive thoughts, I came to my wit's end and set up and appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. But, fifteen minutes into the session, I came to the realization (hopefully not stemming from my pride) that I've been through this, so many times, the talking, the sorting through the thoughts, the feelings and yet, the thoughts and behaviors keep coming back. So, maybe therapy isn't serving me anymore.

So, I set up an appointment with a nutritionist next week in hopes that she will have some clearer insight into how to break this nasty habit of calorie counting and let go of these disordered thoughts around food. I know it won't "fix" the problem but maybe it will help redirect the focus toward forming a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I know it's possible and I have all the desire in the world to get to that healthy balance point.

Though my focus has been clouded over by these intensified thoughts, I know that this anxiety around food and weight are merely a means to distract me from the bigger, much scarier underlying fears. The fear around what the future holds, what job I want to pursue, of failure, of incompetence. These intangible, seemingly out of my control fears seem so overwhelming that I think I use the food to focus on something that I can tangibly control.

Anxiety is such a tricky thing, as is the fear that underlies it. The fear really does come from a lack of being present in the moment, worrying about the past or the future. It's such a fine line between glancing back into the past, learning from it but not getting stuck and wrapped up in the shame, the guilt and the regret over what could have been. Or, looking toward the future, fearful of the unknown, the hidden path, and before you know it, another day has passed by.

I keep getting the feeling that my life is passing me by, while I sit, inactive, detached, simply allowing things to continue as they are. And, instead of taking this as a sign to become more engaged, I find myself getting defeated and even more complacent about actively pursuing the life I want to be living. Yet, I know each day offers the opportunity to enjoy whatever it is the day brings and that is where a shift in focus is needed. To shift my focus on the gift each day brings, instead of feeling weighed down by the "shoulds" and the disparity between what I could and want to be doing and what I am doing.

I keep coming back to the "live for today" mantra I have always sought to live by. Maybe it will continue to take a shift in perspective each time I get lost in the ramblings of my mind, away from the guilt, the regret over the past, away from the worry about the future, the obsessive thoughts. To come back to each moment, alive and invigorated by the chance to change my focus and come back to the present. Feeling my fingers slide over the keyboard steadily slowing, my eyelids weighing heavier each passing moment, I give gratitude for my writing, for this time to let the words flow, freeing up the space and allowing myself to let go and surrender to the moment.