Keeping the Faith

My day began, feeling a big more optimistic than I have. As I headed to my internship at a local alternative news publication, I tried to keep this mentality, despite waiting for nearly two hours to start doing any work. I have been switched over from my role as digital media intern to editorial intern, which is what I was interested in doing from the start. Yet, changing roles, has left me with a feeling of not knowing where I belong. I feel like this has been a constant theme these past couple of weeks, existing aimlessly and without a sense of purpose. I feel like I am merely going through the motions of life, doing this internship and starting my job at a retail store, not really sure as to why I am doing either or what the long-term benefits will be.

Not knowing what I am working toward or what it is I want to do, I am finding it very difficult to trust in the unknown of why I am still in this awkward, often times depressing transitionary phase of my life. I keep wondering when this will get any easier, when I will begin to get a stronger sense of clarity as to what the next step is. And the ups and downs are exhausting, feeling as though I have yet to find that stable balance point, between feeling really good one second and really low the next. I wish I could maintain more of an optimistic, grateful and trusting attitude in this phase in my life, but the overwhelming sense of unknown in what my future holds consumes me. 

When I am existing in the place of gratitude, for my family and their unrelenting support, I find it easier to let go of this pressure I've put on myself to figure things out. Yet, I feel a sense of shame and guilt in my inability to be independent and stand on my own two feet. I get wrapped up in the comparison game of what other people my age are doing and when I focus on those who appear to have their life more put together, I think to myself why can't I have that or be at a more stable point. Yet, I know comparing myself to others only detracts from my acceptance of where I am in my own life, something I am still struggling to come to terms with. I wish I could trust that things will work out, that I will find my place in this world, that I will find and reclaim my inner passion. I get a taste of this periodically, yet it seems that the littlest setback sends my emotions spiraling downward yet again.

Yesterday, I entered into that state of overwhelming depression, accompanied by the intense urge to binge. Though I did engage in some emotional eating, I found myself stopping, driven to do so by something stronger than the eating disorder. Though I know this was a triumph to not give in to the eating disorder, it's hard not to think that it's only a matter of time before this urge comes up again, and maybe this time I won't be as strong. It feels like a monster looming in the dark, just waiting for the inopportune moment to strike. I want so badly to overcome this, yet I feel like the littlest thing these days tips me over and knocks me down, making it harder and harder to pull myself back up each time. I am desperately trying to keep the faith and believe that I will get through this and I really do believe that, but the feelings of discouragement sneak up time and time again. 

Remaining positive through this phase in my life is all that I can try to focus my intention on, no matter how many times I slip back into the negative thinking or how tough it is to switch my outlook. As I shift my perception on this confusing time in my life, part of me sees it as a huge opportunity to learn, let go and trust that everything does and will work out. In less than a week, we are moving into our new home, the house we have rebuilt on the same plot of land where our house burned down in the Waldo fire last summer.

Another huge change and transition, moving back to where we used to live, seems so bizarre, exciting and a bit overwhelming. I can't even wrap my head around how it is going to feel living back there, in a completely different house. Another lesson in the concept of impermanence, the notion that the only thing that is constant is change and boy has that been ringing true this past year. This year, though I may not have consciously admitted how tough it has been to deal with these changes, has challenged me on all levels and I am still left wondering why.

It has taken all my strength to shift my focus and surrender to the deepest part of me that does trust this process, though it has been bumpy, challenging and a true test of how unsettling change still is for me. Yet I know that it is a feat each moment I shift toward the positive and focus on all that I am blessed with, the opportunity to work on myself during this transitionary period in order to work toward what I am really passionate about which is helping others. I know that each moment presents me with the chance to shift my thinking, to loosen the grip on the eating disordered thinking, to trust that everything will work out and to keep the faith that I will get through this and be stronger for it.