The Shadow of Fear

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole."
-Carl Jung

Fear, anxiety, depression, shame, despair, imperfection, dishonesty. These are the negative thoughts and feelings that have been creeping up into my conscious awareness, threatening to rear their ugly heads.  

This is my shadow, the parts of me that I have tried time and time again to run away from. But it seems that the further I run, the more intense they appear, screaming at me to pay them mind. Each time I try to ignore their presence or don't fully allow the unwelcome feeling, I wind up in a state of inauthenticity. I have been feeling fearful, moreso than usual, trying to control the food and exercise and obsessing about the seemingly minute details of day to day living. But is it really about the food or exercise? Or is it about the fear of losing control that I am afraid of?   

I know I am afraid to trust my body, to surrender to its innate knowingness because for so long I've replaced these hungry and fullness cues with the rigid food rules. I am so afraid of letting go of these rules, though I know they are not serving me, my health or my overall well-being and happiness. But they are what I know. They are the habitual thoughts I am used to. To think and act otherwise and to give up that control still seems so foreign to me.  

I logically know that my relationship with food is still warped, and somewhere along the line my mind took over the reins of telling my body what it did and did not need. A disconnect was formed and since then, I have ironically been using the thoughts to bridge that divide though, I know it is my body I remain disconnected from. My relationship with food, exercise and my body has typically revolved around fear and control. I know this through years of therapy and introspection, but mostly through the times when I am so wrapped up in the eating disorder, whether in the restrictive mindset or in the binge mentality. To recognize and be aware of this vicious cycle is one thing, but to change it is something completely different. 

I'd like to say that I have shifted into more of a state of love, compassion and trust, especially toward myself. And I know I've felt these states of being more than I ever have before in my life, but my shadow pulls me back into its tight grip time and time again. Maybe this is the duality I've heard about...you can't know the light without knowing the darkness. To be in a state of light and love is our soul's natural state of being, but we are human aren't we? I think I've come to find it really isn't about getting rid of the bad, shameful or immoral qualities. Maybe it really is about just coming to a state of awareness and acceptance of these parts of us, our shadow, and being vulnerable to these parts.   

My shadow is the eating disorder, driven by the fear that permeates into my day to day life. We all have things we are afraid of. For me, it's losing the control over food and exercise and letting go of these habits. Though they do not serve me, they are what I know.  Letting go means to immerse myself in the unknown, praying and trusting myself fully and completely. For so long, I've been afraid....of failure, of not being good enough, of imperfection. And what has this fear brought me? A state of dis-ease and constant struggle against these fearful thoughts and beliefs. At a young vulnerable age, I learned how to deal with these fearful thoughts....of not being accepted for who I was, of not being good enough.....by turning to food. The food temporarily gave me control over something, though the dark, lonely side of the eating disorder soon casted out the comfort it gave me.

When I think of fear, the "fight or flight" mentality comes to mind. For me, flight is my go to. When fear arises, or when things seem too overwhelming or unmanageable, I run as fast as my feet will carry me, usually into the arms of the eating disorder, whether through the restricting, the binging or the overexercising. I choose avoidance at whatever cost, usually the cost of my peace of mind and sanity. I know that the times when I have faced my fears....going abroad, putting myself out there, talking to a stranger, doing things out of the "routine".... have been exhilarating moments. But then the moment passes and I am back to living in the bubble of fear I am used to.

I am so exhausted and tired of living in this fear and living in this world dictated by food and exercise.  What kind of life is that really? I need to let this go once and for all and to really start living out the life I know I was meant to live, loving myself unconditionally, no matter how "good" I ate or how much I exercised that day, accepting those times when I'm feeling fearful, depressed or lonely.  Running away from these feelings is not the answer, but to keep fighting the fear is exhausting nonetheless.

I know I need to let go and surrender the struggle. I need to let go of the eating disorder and the fear and move forward into the unknown.  For in the unknown, I know I will find the life I've wanted to live, free of the negativity and fear that has kept me stuck. Letting go and surrendering to what may come is scary for me but to live in such a bubble of fear and comfortable discomfort is stifling my spirit. When I think about surrendering and trusting in what is to come, my spirit is elated, almost jumping in glee at the thought of taking over the reins from my fear-driven ego. My spirit, my soul is dying to be set free from this negativity and shadow of fear.

So today, I consciously choose to love myself unconditionally on this journey of healing my inner wounds, recovering from the eating disorder and letting go of the burden of fear.  Moving forward into the darkness, I shine my light on the shadow of fear, letting go of all that binds me, surrendering to the imperfect perfection of each moment, loving myself and freeing myself from the darkness of my shadow.  

Igniting Unity

Smokey air fills the sky,
Cascading over the land in a sea of haze.
The sun dims, illuminating an eerie glow.
Breathing compromised, toxicity permeating into your lungs.
No longer a question in your mind but a knowingness.
A knowingness of the unease you know all too well.

Pulled back into that moment,
The moment when you had to turn your back on all that you knew.
Entering into the unknown,
Resisting the unsettling pit in your stomach.
Turning to friends, family, anyone who could offer comfort, relief.
Questions bombarding your mind, unsure of how to cope.

A fire is building, igniting our land yet again.
Affecting all who breathes the toxic air,
Pulling at the heart strings of all fire victims.
A bond has been formed, one that draws us all together.
Knowing that no matter how desolate it seems,
You are not alone in this.

Yet this fear permeates into our hearts,
The unknown, the unease, the hopelessness.
Haven't we suffered enough?
Hasn't our land suffered enough?

Questions bombard my thoughts.
Questions of why this is happening again.
Deep in my heart, I know a lesson must be taken from each fire
That engulfs our land in flames and sets our hearts ablaze.

But what is that lesson?
To take better care of the environment maybe?
Or just as a harsh reminder of the fragility and delicate nature of this earth,
Which we inhabit and so often take for granted.

The unknown of the root cause of all this chaos, all this destruction
Leaves me with the only thing I have left.
The comfort and support I can give to those affected.
The comfort and support we can all give to one another.

To pull through these times of tribulation.
To rely and seek solace in the strength of this bond we all share.
A deep knowing that we are never alone in this,
Never alone to take on these challenges.

Fire, disastrous and chaotic, is bringing us together,
Shedding light on the shared experience,
Rather than our illusory, perceived differences.
The inferno is ablaze in our land and in our hearts,
To recognize what we cannot control,
And tune into the power within us all.

Togetherness and strength.
Support and comfort.
Refuge and solace.
Together,
Igniting the flame of unity.

Overcoming Anxiety

Have you ever wondered what it is about fear that penetrates into our everyday lives?  Have you ever wondered how to overcome this fear, this anxiety that keeps us stuck in old habitual negative patterns of thinking and behaving?  If you're predisposed to anxiety like myself, you may have asked yourself these same questions.

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to attend an incredible workshop with my family.  Led by Jim Vassallo, who was featured in Yoga Journal in 2006, this workshop revolved around the discussion of the origins of anxiety as well as how to implement practical tools to overcome this anxiety and fear that is so pervasive in our society today.

A group of about 12 gathered and we began by sharing some of our own fears.  Many of these fears revolved around the future, money and failure.  Coming from all walks and stages of life, it was eye-opening to see that at their core, all anxiety comes from a similar fear and a lack of faith.  Jim began by discussing the origins of anxiety by outlining nine different sources and explanations of each:
       
             1. Fear- the only way to overcome fears are to face them.
             
             2. Lack of Action- fear prevents action.  We need to get rid of anxiety by taking action (can be      
             as simple as going on a run, taking a walk, journaling, meditating, doing yoga, talking to a
             friend...anything proactive to rid the body of the physiological effects of anxiety).
             
             3. Toxic Environment- whether it be a stressful job, an unhealthy relationship, or just negative
             environments, we feed off of what we are surrounded by.  Even if we have the will,
             our environment is stronger.
           
             4. Being "here" but wanting to be "there"- in essence living in the future instead of the
             present, always doing and working toward something instead of enjoying the simplicity and
             beauty of each moment.  

             5. Trying to be someone we are not- in psychological terms this can be referred to as
            dissonance (when who we are doesn't line up with how we're living our life).

             6. Childhood Experiences- most if not all of us have had some sort of traumatic experience
            of varying degrees that we have subconsciously repressed.  We must revisit and release them.

             7. Duality: Ego identity vs. True identity- the ego identity is along the lines of "I am a
             student, a teacher, a perfectionist, a wife, a mom, a hard-worker".  When you strip away this
             mask, we are left with who we really are: spiritual beings having a human experience.

             8. Adrenal Fatigue- the majority of Americans unknowingly suffer from this.  It is brought on
            by severe emotional stress coupled with nutritional deficiencies and result in the following
            symptoms: fatigue, nervousness, phobias, inability to cope with stressful events, food cravings,
            insomnia, food allergies and many others.

            9. Poor Diet- need I say more?

After discussing the origins of anxiety and of course sharing our experiences with each along the way, we then discussed the 12 steps to overcome anxiety:
         
           1. A steady yoga practice
          
           2. Many hours of solitude and meditation
           
           3. Keep a journal for self-study
           
           4. Find a good therapist or person to talk to
           
           5. Read spiritual books- the one you're supposed to read will find you:)
         
           6. Avoid toxic people and situations - if this isn't completely feasible, work to build up an
           invisible shield if you will to provide yourself with a protective boundary that the negativity
           cannot permeate into.
         
           7. Seek out like-minded people
          
           8. Take action!
           
           9. Simplify your life- get rid of the clutter!
       
          10. Get a sense of humor- don't take yourself or life too seriously...I have to keep reminding
           myself of this one:).
       
          11. Take control of your own health- make any needed diet and lifestyle changes.
       
          12. Find your true purpose- Align with who you really are and what your passions are.

The last tid bits of advice Jim gave us was to do what you love, which sounds easy but it's all too often we get stuck in the obligations of everyday life and the "to-do" list.  So make time to nurture yourself whether it's by going on a hike, a run, journaling, writing poetry, singing, whatever it is do it! This will help to release blocked energy in what he referred to as the "Nadis".  Lastly, when faced with a negative or stressful situation that may not be in line with who we are or when we are in a negative or challenging relationship we only have 3 choices: 
                         
                            1. Get out- if your happiness is suffering as a result and this situation or relationship
                            is just too much, you may have to simply leave the toxic situation or relationship.
                         
                            2. Try to change it - if you think the situation or relationship can improve and there
                            is still hope, do your best to change it.
                         
                            3. Accept it - if you simply cannot get out or cannot change it, surrender and
                            acceptance is the only option.  Always remember surrender is not weakness:).

A Return to Love

Searching, yearning for something more.
Looking to the world to fill the longing in my soul.
Thinking I would find the answer,
The answer to the emptiness I felt.

Rejection.
That is what the world gave me.
Why didn't they like me?
What was wrong with me?

I was looking for something.
Something to make me feel worthy, important, whole.
I turned to what I thought would be a safe haven.
The voice told me it would save me, protect me from the harsh reality of the world.

Empowered, in control, strong.
It gave me everything the world did not; security.
Control the food, the voice said.  This is all you have.
Mold your body.  This is your worth.
Love based upon conditions, external factors determined my worth.

Searching, yearning for something more.
Looking to the world to fill the longing in my soul.
Feeling defected, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough.
Attaching myself to these beliefs.

Looking to the world for love,
Coming up empty handed, rejected for who I was.
Where was this love I knew existed?

A journey away from love, away from myself.
The love and light within growing dimmer and dimmer.
Losing sight, losing myself.

The food gave me what the world could not.
Comfort, control, release, escape.
Escape from the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness.
But the escape was always temporary.

The longing in my soul has beckoned me to hear its call.
Whispering, nudging, hoping I'd hear its pleas.
You are good enough, you are lovable, the gentle voice said.
You are more than your body, more than the negative beliefs you harbor.
Only you have the power to change.

A journey back to love, back to myself has begun.
Slow and arduous it has been, a non-linear process.
Growing and learning each day, relearning how to love unconditionally.
Falling back in love with myself, relinquishing the control.
Learning to trust, to believe in myself, in the natural unfolding of life.

This journey has not been easy.
It has been the toughest path I've walked.
Yet, an imperfectly beautiful, empowering one at that.

The external world no longer holds the key to unlock the love within.
Infinite and flowing, this love exists within us all,
Waiting to be sought out.
Returning to this love, we find the answer to all life's questions:
The source of love is within.

Upon entering this world, we are full of infinite love.
Until one day we are conditioned to fear.
To safeguard this love, to lock it away and throw away the key.
But this love never abandoned us.
It never stopped seeking us out.
We must now listen to its call.

Searching, yearning for something more.
Turning my gaze inward I finally see.
The truth. The answer. The missing piece.

It is a journey we must all take, one of courage, determination and perseverance.
To choose yourself over anyone else is the greatest gift.
Falling back in love with the real you is where it all begins.
Taking the leap, trusting what is and letting go of the beliefs holding you back.
The journey is just beginning,
Starting with you and me;
A return to love.

Surrender

These past couple of days have been some of the most eye-opening, soul-reviving moments I've had in a while.  I feel like I'm finally beginning to make and see changes in myself as a result of this ever-striving conscious effort to face these internal struggles of mine.  

A relationship I had truly invested my heart into came to an end, a bittersweet loss of someone I truly care about.  Yet, as difficult as this was to do, I intuitively knew that it was not fulfilling the longing in my heart nor in my soul.  Transitioning from this ending, my heart has been beckoning ever closer, nudging me to surrender to its call.  I feel like I am at a pivotal moment of choosing, to continue down the path of self-perpetuating negative beliefs and behaviors that do not serve me, or to start listening to the call within me, to direct this energy into healing myself and reconnecting with my spirituality, surrendering to God, to Spirit.

For so long, I've fought and struggled for the control over myself, my behaviors with the food and the exercise, struggling constantly with the anxiety, trying desperately to keep it at bay.  A strange shift is occurring though, and I'm finally starting to prioritize myself, my happiness and my deep-held values of health, balance, connection and spirituality.  This isn't to say the controlling, anxious thoughts have gone away, yet I feel as though my attachment to them is weakening each day I redirect to positive, self-serving ones.  

Though the urge to turn to food still surfaces, my conscious choosing in not doing so has dramatically increased.  I feel more aware of this choice I have, one we all have, to direct our energy into these addictive cycles or to consciously take a step back and recognize what we are really craving.  For me, when I turn to food, I am really looking to surrender to something, to loosen the control I have, to temporarily fill this void, this longing within me.  

Yet I am beginning to realize that whether it is food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, what have you, these external attachments merely symbolize our innate desire for escape from the sometimes harsh, negative world. When I subconsciously choose to turn to food, what I am really doing is misdirecting my energy.  As odd as it may sound, considering the societal view of addictions as weakness, I really think regardless of the misguided energy, they are truly a source of power and determination to get what we want and to get it now.  

When I realized this, it was like a whole new perception of the eating disorder came into my mind's eye.  I am beginning to recognize this power within me and redirect it toward healing myself and reconnecting within, instead of self-sabotaging my health and happiness.  I'm beginning to realize that the food is truly an empty avenue into fear, depression and lack of presence.  In a way, I feel like the eating disorder, or any addiction or attachment is the soul's way of getting our attention and waking us up to start living out our true life's purpose, to listen to the calling and passion within us all.

We all have unique, amazing gifts and once we start incorporating them into our lives and really let our souls sing through whatever expression it may be, a strange yet natural shift happens.  Old habits and addictions slough off and we begin to flow with life instead of fighting upstream.  When we surrender to our calling and consciously listen to our heart our life takes on a whole new meaning.  

I find myself going through this shift currently, literally being awaken out of sleep with persistent nudging epiphanies.  I feel this calling in my soul to create a group where soul-minded individuals can come together to meet and discuss spirituality, to meditate, and to support each other through authentic and vulnerable sharing of our stories and struggles.  I foresee this group serving as a sanctuary for those who like myself, are on this spiritual journey back to ourselves, back to our natural state of love.  As I am about to graduate, I feel this desire growing and growing, recognizing my soul's calling to create my own field of work if you will.  Who knows where this path will take me and as scared and vulnerable as I feel putting myself out there, I know that this is something I cannot ignore.  

I do not know what the end result will be or even the exact details of how things would go, but I do know and trust on a soul level that this is something I truly desire to do.  I want to create this space for people to come and take this journey alongside me, to direct our energy into positive, loving and nurturing thoughts and practices to encourage one another in our own unique journeys.

It is a journey I am committed to, a journey of questioning, awakening and ultimately surrendering.  When we begin to really listen and surrender to the call within us, we find something we never thought we were looking for: ourselves.  This journey back to ourselves, the real us, the constant, all-loving eternal part of us, is truly a life-long one but one we must take in order to find what we are looking for, the love, the bliss, the vivacity within us all that is simply waiting to be awakened.        

Cultivating Hope

In light of the horrific Boston marathon bombings and the shooting at the 4/20 rally in Denver, my heart grows heavy by the gravity of the impending chaos.  I feel myself overcome with fear, unsure of what is to come.  Fear and violence is beckoning at our doorstep, threatening to overcome us with its unrelenting force.

I sit here now, contemplating the state of affairs of our nation, our compromised freedom.  Fear and sadness enveloped into one threaten to consume me as negativity sweaps into my mind.  Who is responsible for all this violence and evil?  My guess is as good as yours.  The fact of the matter is evil is at work within our very own country, the land of the supposed free and the brave.

Our innate rights as citizens and living breathing humans are blatantly being threatened but sadly most are too distracted, too blind to see the reality and gravity of the situation.  I could sit here and write about the need for raised awareness but all that I would succeed in doing is spreading the fear that already permeates into the hearts of most.

So, instead I will muster all the energy and all the positivity within me to shed light on these dark times.  Yes, the world is turning into a scary place, but in my heart, I know there is always hope, no matter how abysmal the evil may be.  As cliche as it may sound, the battle for good vs. evil, light vs. dark is beckoning ever closer to our doorstep.

Yet, there is always a choice.  The choice to be consumed by the hate, the greed, the negativity or the choice to keep pushing on, living and loving that much more.  The moment we allow ourselves to be consumed by the negativity, the fear, is the moment they win.  The second we walk down this path into the shadow is the very moment we give up our power.

Though we may not be able to directly control what others do or mediate the evil choices and actions of others, we always have full and complete control over ourselves.  All we can do is take back the power that is innately ours, take back the freedoms that we all deserve as human beings.

I can sit here and dwell on the negative, dwell on the fear and hatred that is definitely a reality of this harsh world, or I can choose to focus on the good, the love that is still there, waiting to be awaken in the hearts of many.  All any of us have control over is our own thoughts, our own actions, whether they be guided by hate or love is up to us.  It all starts within each of us, each day, each moment, a point of choosing between negativity and the love that I truly believe is the common thread between us all.

We must cultivate this hope more now than ever before and in doing so, the good in all of us will rise up.  Whether this confrontation between good and evil results in mass destruction and chaos is up for question, but within my hearts of hearts I truly believe in the end, love will prevail.  We are at a pivotal point in our evolution and it is seriously up to all of us, individually and communally to come together and let our voices be heard.

To shy away in fear or to numb out would be the greatest tragedy of all.  In doing so, they've already won.  The choice is ours and now is the time to cultivate the hope, the love within ourselves to come together and take a stand for our right to life, freedom and happiness.  I ask all of you to not be bogged down by the violence, the hatred, the greed, for this is merely the shadow of humanity.  To give in is to give up our power to choose love instead of hate, light instead of darkness, positivity instead of negativity.  Today, I ask of you to cultivate hope with me at this pivotal time in the evolution of humanity, trusting that in the end, love will prevail.    

Bridging the Gap

Easing into my meditative self-led yoga session tonight, I began to ponder a seemingly intangible and unanswerable question.  How do we go about bridging the gap between our true potential in life and the self-defeating habits that block us or keep us stuck?  




The realization that I have gradually come to is that none of us is afraid of who we cannot be but rather of all that we can and already are.  We are all spiritual beings, capable of boundless and infinite love but the majority of our lives is spent with little awareness of this fact.  We search and search outside of ourselves to fill the void, to fulfill some need or desire, but ultimately we are searching outside of ourselves for what only resides within.  




Though we may find something, whether it's in food, relationships, work or money that may temporarily fill this void, it does not last.  We all know this, whether intuitively or not.  We all have these "bad" habits, subconscious and ego-driven desires and addictions.  

For me, this addiction has been to food mainly, the self-soothing, self-comforting escape from reality.  This almost innate instinct of mine to turn to food in times of stress, anger, sadness, anxiety and even happiness almost instantaneously coincides with the urge.  It is a feeling of powerlessness brought on by the intense and overwhelming urge to engage in the behavior. 

I am beginning to become more and more aware of this almost programmed, conditioned nature of mine to turn to food when these emotions become unmanageable.  Having gone to years upon years of therapy, I am finally able to pinpoint what I have taken away from all the money and time spent analyzing my pattern of thoughts and behavior.

As a result of environmental and genetic influences, I learned early on to turn to food to deal with any sort of intense emotion.  Never learning the proper, effective and healthy way of coping with these feelings, I reached outside of myself to some tangible thing I could rely on.  This habit of behavior ingrained into my neural connections, forming a strong association between emotions and food.  

But before I get in too deep about my past, I think it is safe to say that the majority of us can relate to this pattern of addiction, in one way or another.  In whatever shape, form or flavor it comes in, the majority of us are somehow stuck in some habitual self-defeating way of thinking or behaving.  

What I am beginning to look into now after having gained insight into these subconscious urges of mine, is how do we go from being aware of these tendencies to actually changing them?  How do we bridge this gap between awareness of these self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors to replacing them with self-serving ones?

I am fully aware that a convincing subconscious belief of mine is the "I am not good enough" or "I am unlovable or unworthy" and that I need to somehow prove my worth.  I am also aware that the subconscious behavior of mine to turn to food arises in times when I need this temporary self-soothing feeling it gives me.  Yet, I also intuitively know that the food is not what I am truly after.

It is not the external things we so desperately cling onto and reach for time and time again that give us what we really need or what we really desire.  We all on some level desire to feel that love, that compassion, that complete acceptance of all that we are.  Yet, I still struggle to know this, this truth on the deep, subconscious level.

I see these "flaws" of mine (the eating disorder, the incongruence between my health and my deep-held value of being healthy as well as the ever-present anxiety) and I get sucked into their poison.  Focusing on these "negative" qualities, I bury myself deeper and deeper into this hole.  Until, my intuition or my spiritual part of me, my authentic self finally gets through and is able to awaken me to my truth, that I am whole, that the real me does not need fixing.  We are all enough.  I am enough and you are enough.  In fact, we are more than enough.  

We have all this potential to love and be loved yet we are sadly more often than not preoccupied with the ego's distractive trap.  We are not afraid of our limitations but rather of our infinite potential.  Yet, as much as I try, my mind still struggles to intuitively accept this fact.  

Though on some level, I am aware, I am left to continue pondering the steps to take to bridge this gap.  For until this void is closed, I know I will remain stuck in old habitual ways of thinking and behaving, not fully able to accept all that I am or see that we all already have the tools we need to create the life we want and deserve.