Facing Resistance

As I sit in my room at the ashram, rain spattering against my window and thunder echoing in the distance, I contemplate the storm that has been rising within me. This storm is one I am familiar with yet one I don't think I've ever faced head on.  Being at the ashram, in a whole new environment and rigorous schedule of meditation and seva, the instinctual urge to run away has been coming to surface, with the force of something I hugely underestimated.

The thoughts of leaving and returning home where I am comfortable existing in the thought patterns of my mind has been an extremely tempting escape plan. Today was my first official day off, a whole day to myself.  Feeling tired and a bit down, I retreated to my room after breakfast to take a nap. Soon enough, as expected, I was left wallowing in a dark cloud of negative energy, wishing desperately that I were elsewhere.  The dark cloud of depression momentarily overtook me, as I sunk deeper into this space.  The thoughts of regret of leaving something I had committed to, fear of what I would do if I did leave, the potential feeling of failure, letting my parents and the people here down, but mostly knowing I would be letting myself down in the end consumed me.

It has been a struggle dealing with these strong embedded feelings of wanting to distract or run away when things get tough. Being here, forced to meditate and encouraged to remain conscious and present throughout my day has been the biggest of challenges. My subconscious urge to numb out or go unconscious when I am existing in this negative space of anxiety or obsession over the food or exercise or being pulled into the thoughts of not wanting to be here have caused me to withdraw from the experience in the present and my interaction with others.

I keep questioning why I am here, why this is so hard for me and if this is the right time and place for me. A huge part of me wants to leave, but there is a voice within me that is saying that this is the opportunity of a lifetime and I would regret leaving so soon. This voice within me urges me to keep sticking it out for one more day.  All along, I've been trying to tune into my intuition, trying to find that wise voice within me that knows what's best for me.

Yet, I am struggling to hear this subdued voice.  I keep hoping in meditation, I'll receive that affirmative knowingness that either this is what I need right now and to just keep going or that this maybe isn't exactly the time or place for me at this point in my life.  Whatever the message is, I just wish I knew what to do. It's confusing, overwhelming, draining and terrifying not knowing if I am where I am supposed to be. Part of me knows I need to just take this experience for what it is or is not and let go of all expectations and the pressure I've put on myself to change. Another part of me wants to slap me across the face and tell me to suck it up, that I should be grateful for where I am at and the opportunity I have to grow and learn. The other part of me, the one that has seemed the most convincing, is the part that says it's too much too soon and that there are other ways to grow besides being secluded in an ashram community such as this.

All of these different thoughts and feelings, combined with the not knowing of what voice is the inner voice, the one that really does have my best interest in mind, are creating a lot of resistance within me.  This resistance is something I am not sure how to deal with.  There have been times when I have put into place the practice of tuning into my breath or repeating the mantras encouraged here and temporarily they help, but it seems just that, a temporary fix to a long-time problem.  The people here keep telling me that this is normal and it's all about strengthening the mind and creating new grooves with new, positive thought patterns but I wonder if this is even possible for me. I desperately want it but is that truly enough? Maybe this type of setting works for some people but maybe it doesn't work for me. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I am a lost cause and change is possible for only certain types of people.

I just wish it were easier to distinguish and tune into my intuition, trusting my gut instinct as to what to do. Feeling lost, confused, overwhelmed and not sure which way is up or even if I am headed in the right direction has been hugely prevalent these past couple of days. I keep wondering when this will get easier and the feedback I get is that it doesn't; you just get better at detaching from the thoughts and observing rather than getting sucked into the emotions. I wish this were more encouraging but all I hear is that it never gets easier and that it is something you are constantly working on.

Facing this shadow within me, the negative thoughts and feelings and not turning to food or exercise are the areas I am trying to focus my energy on. Recognizing my tendency of the mind to convince me that I would be happier back home, or working, or traveling, I realize this habit merely tries to keep me in a state of discontent with the present.  It is an illusion that my mind tricks me into believing is true, that if I only I were elsewhere, or doing something else, then I would feel better. I recognize this external attachment to basing my happiness and mood on my environment or my body.  I know happiness can only come from within, but knowing and actually feeling and living this is something I struggle with. Existing in the discomfort of resistance, the overwhelming feeling of being lost and confused and unsure of where my path lay, I know all I can do is take it one step, one breath at a time, surrendering to the experience, whatever shape, form or duration it may take.

A Day in the Life of an Ashram

It has only been three full days since I have been at the ashram but it already feels like I've been here for much longer. Waking up before the crack of dawn has been an adjustment to say the least. Each time I've heard the buzzing of my alarm, my body cries out in resistance, wishing it were elsewhere, free to sleep for just a few more hours.  Once I've gotten over my mini pity party of dragging myself out of bed, my hips and back sore from yoga and meditation the previous day, I grab ahold of the smallest bit of desire I can muster and gradually remember why I came here.

Each morning, I attend temple with the other staff and members of the ashram for a half hour of chanting in Sanskrit from what is called the "Guru Gita", an ancient Hindu scripture. Sanskrit is a foreignly beautiful, yet difficult to master language that has not come to flow off my tongue as quickly as the perfectionist in me would like.

After chanting, we sit for a half hour of silent meditation, which I thought would come a lot easier with my previous experience with it.  But, this morning, I found my knees and inner thighs were just not having it, probably due to the much more extended amount of sitting meditation I do here compared to back home.  Though it has been an adjustment battling the achy woes of my body, I am trying my best to be compassionate with myself.

After the morning practice, a mouth-watering breakfast is served. Without a doubt, the food here is the best food I have ever had.  All of their vegetables and herbs are grown here at the ashram and are not only so fresh tasting but delicious as well.  I've already noticed myself becoming more mindful around mealtime, really trying to savor each and every bite and slow down the process of sometimes mindless eating.

Between meals is "seva," or selfless service, which basically is how I am able to stay here for free.  In exchange for work, I am given food, housing and free access to yoga classes. My seva has consisted of cleaning the lodge, so a lot of sweeping, mopping, bathroom cleaning, laundry folding and general tidying up.  I have also been able to help out in the garden in the afternoons and learn more about the sustainability of the community.  It is encouraged to repeat mantras during work, which is basically a way to consciously bring awareness to the task at hand and bring presence to the breath.  The most common mantra encouraged is "Om Namah Shivaya", which translates to "I bow to Shiva." Shiva is the inner, true Self that dwells within us all.

Doing this mantra repetition has been an eye-opening experience thus far, as it gets me out of my head and pulls me out of the anxious ramblings of my mind. It also has made me aware of the pattern of my mind and desire to complete the project, whatever it may be, as quickly as possible.  When I've noticed this desire to rush through the task, going back to the mantra has helped to slow things down and bring my awareness back to the present.

In the afternoon, we are given a mere hour break of free time to either attend a hatha yoga class or do something else of our choosing.  I've mixed it up by doing yoga classes and going on a run or a hike.  This has been a bit challenging in choosing between the two, so I'm trying to alternate every other day. The obsessive runner in me has been a bit antsy but not as much as I expected.  I'm still trying to come to peace with giving up the "routine" of running for x amount of time each day and just be okay with the exercise I do get in.  The thoughts around food have lessened a bit as well, but I am still struggling to fully let go of the obsessive thoughts and just tune into what my body wants at a given moment.  I think I'm realizing how much effort and practice it takes to shift old patterns of habit, particularly strong ones like these.  But, I know all I can do is take it one day at a time and just keep moving forward.

Initially coming to the ashram caused a lot of anxiety within me.  I wasn't sure if I was doing the "right" thing by coming here or if the time was right. I still can't say exactly why I am here but I do know that this experience is going to be whatever it needs to be at this point in my life. I feel as though I have entered into another world here, an alternate reality if you will. The people here have formed a tight knit family of people who truly love one another and support each other along the path to God and inner enlightenment.  Most of the people have been living here for up to ten years or more. It's crazy, a bit intimidating, yet inspiring all the same to see that this really can be a lifestyle for those who truly desire and prioritize their inner growth.

It's still a bit overwhelming not knowing all the ins and outs of the ashram and the belief system but I have tried coming back to my intention before coming here, to be open to anything and everything.  I feel almost like a sponge, simply trying to absorb all the wisdom and knowledge from the elder staff.  And I know I can't expect to learn it all within three days, but I do want to get all I can out of this experience. Within the short time span that I have been here, I can say I've experienced the full array of emotions: the initial elation of coming here, frustration over the lack of focus and physical aches, confusion over why I am here and resistance to letting go of habitual thought patterns and behaviors.

I am still unsure of and a little resistant to the changes that I know are in store for me but I am trying to focus on letting this experience be whatever it needs to be and not get caught up in reasoning my way through it. So, here's to the next month or so of this journey I am on, a journey into the unknown, remaining present and open to whatever growth may occur, trusting that I am right where I need to be.

The Unknown

I sit here now, fingers hovering over the keyboard, unsure of where to begin.  These past few weeks have flashed by in a blur, leaving me feeling unsteady and off balance.  Phases of my life have come to a close.  Finishing up my internship in the town I called home for four years, packing up and moving back home and saying goodbye to friends and places I grew to love.  This ending of my college career was bitter sweet.  On one hand, it feels rewarding knowing my hard work paid off but on the other hand, I feel at a loss for where I am to go from here.

It has slowly begun to sink in more and more each day that I don't have a set "plan" for the next phase of my life.  Even though I am excited to explore and find my passion in life, I've been feeling overwhelmed and intimidated about where to begin.  I feel as though I've lost part of my identity as a student and have entered into this limbo phase, a phase I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable with.

The same fear has crept back up, consuming my thoughts.  The same record of "I'm not good enough" and the fear of failure have permeated into the forefront of my mind.  It's a feeling I know all too well, yet its grip on me feels stronger than ever.  I know that fear is such an illusion and to get caught up in it is to stifle any forward growth and progress but sometimes it feels like a downward spiral, one that feels too familiar to resist.  I want to be free of this fear, these old negative beliefs I have about myself and for the love of God, the eating disorder.

I desperately want to let go of this fear that keeps me stuck in the self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety and depression yet I don't know exactly how to do so.  I feel like I am aware of these negative patterns of thinking and behaving, yet the subconscious drive to remain in this state of being outweighs the desire to change.  I know from experience the exhilarating feeling when I consciously shift my energy to more positive and loving, but the habitual state of my being seems geared toward the negative.  My focus seems to more often than not, be on the problem areas in my life, the struggle, the lack of, and a feeling of discontent with the present moment.  Each time I find myself in a state of fear or anxiety, I know that it is the result of not remaining present in the moment.

When I am present and enjoying the moment for what it is, whether it be a good conversation, hiking, reading or biking, I can't help but feel momentarily free of the fear.  It is when I begin to get caught up in the fear-based thoughts of the food, the future, the past or anything that is unrelated to what I am experiencing at a given moment, that I get sucked back into this negative space.  And, this negative space is such a suffocating place to be in that it sometimes seems near impossible to pull myself out of it.

When I look at my life and all the reasons I should be happy, I feel utterly selfish for playing the "poor me" card.  I know that I am so unbelievably blessed and privileged to be living the life I am.  Yet, this feeling of discontent keeps surfacing and my mind always finds reasons not to be happy.  Whether it's feeling undeserving of happiness because I still see these flaws in me, mainly the eating disorder, or it feels normal to remain in this state of discontent.

Yet, when I look at all the opportunities that I have been given, I can't help but feel grateful for all the good I have in my life.  Tomorrow, I will leave to go stay at an ashram for a couple of months doing a work/study program where I will stay for free, attend meditation and yoga sessions, in exchange for work.  I have been looking forward to this opportunity ever since I got accepted a month ago and I know only good is going to come from it.  I have always wanted to be apart of a spiritual community like this, to deepen my yoga and spiritual practice and to really get down and dirty with this negative belief system I still carry with me.  It's not going to be easy adjusting to the strict schedule and sinking into a whole new routine but I also know that this is what I need right now.

I need to connect to my soul, my passions, to Spirit and let go of this attachment to fear and anxiety.  It is far overdue.  I can't say I know entirely what to expect from this experience but I do know that in order for there to be growth, I must maintain an open heart and mind.  I cannot get caught up in the fear of the unknown or the fear of change because resisting will do nothing but prevent me from being present and fully appreciative of this amazing opportunity.

Entering into this next phase of my life, into the unknown with ease and embracing the inner and outer changes that await me is what I know I need to do.  I feel as though this tide of change couldn't have happened at a more opportune time but I still feel myself resisting, unable to fully let go and surrender to the up and coming experience.  And maybe change will never feel comfortable, easy or natural.  It is changes like this, the ones that induce the most fear within me, that I know need to happen in order for there to be growth.  

So, I sit here now, acknowledging the fear, the resistance, the uncertainty.  And I consciously try to shift this energy and my focus to surrendering to what is to come.  As I enter into the unknown, unsure of where it will lead me, I relinquish to Spirit the fear and let go of any expectations of what this experience will look like.  I know only good awaits me, but I also know my tendency to ward off the good that comes my way.  To open my heart, to truly let all the good, the love into my life and trust in the unknown is a gift I know I have within me, a gift I must accept.

So, I rely on my desire to change, to grow, to learn and surrender and open myself up to life, knowing that this desire is a spark that I pray will push me forward into flowing with life instead of struggling upstream.  Tomorrow, I retreat to this spiritual community to shine a light on these shadow parts of me, to rediscover my inner source of light and love, to surrender and let go of all that binds me, trusting that all is well and all will be well, even in the darkness of the unknown.  

The Shadow of Fear

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole."
-Carl Jung

Fear, anxiety, depression, shame, despair, imperfection, dishonesty. These are the negative thoughts and feelings that have been creeping up into my conscious awareness, threatening to rear their ugly heads.  

This is my shadow, the parts of me that I have tried time and time again to run away from. But it seems that the further I run, the more intense they appear, screaming at me to pay them mind. Each time I try to ignore their presence or don't fully allow the unwelcome feeling, I wind up in a state of inauthenticity. I have been feeling fearful, moreso than usual, trying to control the food and exercise and obsessing about the seemingly minute details of day to day living. But is it really about the food or exercise? Or is it about the fear of losing control that I am afraid of?   

I know I am afraid to trust my body, to surrender to its innate knowingness because for so long I've replaced these hungry and fullness cues with the rigid food rules. I am so afraid of letting go of these rules, though I know they are not serving me, my health or my overall well-being and happiness. But they are what I know. They are the habitual thoughts I am used to. To think and act otherwise and to give up that control still seems so foreign to me.  

I logically know that my relationship with food is still warped, and somewhere along the line my mind took over the reins of telling my body what it did and did not need. A disconnect was formed and since then, I have ironically been using the thoughts to bridge that divide though, I know it is my body I remain disconnected from. My relationship with food, exercise and my body has typically revolved around fear and control. I know this through years of therapy and introspection, but mostly through the times when I am so wrapped up in the eating disorder, whether in the restrictive mindset or in the binge mentality. To recognize and be aware of this vicious cycle is one thing, but to change it is something completely different. 

I'd like to say that I have shifted into more of a state of love, compassion and trust, especially toward myself. And I know I've felt these states of being more than I ever have before in my life, but my shadow pulls me back into its tight grip time and time again. Maybe this is the duality I've heard about...you can't know the light without knowing the darkness. To be in a state of light and love is our soul's natural state of being, but we are human aren't we? I think I've come to find it really isn't about getting rid of the bad, shameful or immoral qualities. Maybe it really is about just coming to a state of awareness and acceptance of these parts of us, our shadow, and being vulnerable to these parts.   

My shadow is the eating disorder, driven by the fear that permeates into my day to day life. We all have things we are afraid of. For me, it's losing the control over food and exercise and letting go of these habits. Though they do not serve me, they are what I know.  Letting go means to immerse myself in the unknown, praying and trusting myself fully and completely. For so long, I've been afraid....of failure, of not being good enough, of imperfection. And what has this fear brought me? A state of dis-ease and constant struggle against these fearful thoughts and beliefs. At a young vulnerable age, I learned how to deal with these fearful thoughts....of not being accepted for who I was, of not being good enough.....by turning to food. The food temporarily gave me control over something, though the dark, lonely side of the eating disorder soon casted out the comfort it gave me.

When I think of fear, the "fight or flight" mentality comes to mind. For me, flight is my go to. When fear arises, or when things seem too overwhelming or unmanageable, I run as fast as my feet will carry me, usually into the arms of the eating disorder, whether through the restricting, the binging or the overexercising. I choose avoidance at whatever cost, usually the cost of my peace of mind and sanity. I know that the times when I have faced my fears....going abroad, putting myself out there, talking to a stranger, doing things out of the "routine".... have been exhilarating moments. But then the moment passes and I am back to living in the bubble of fear I am used to.

I am so exhausted and tired of living in this fear and living in this world dictated by food and exercise.  What kind of life is that really? I need to let this go once and for all and to really start living out the life I know I was meant to live, loving myself unconditionally, no matter how "good" I ate or how much I exercised that day, accepting those times when I'm feeling fearful, depressed or lonely.  Running away from these feelings is not the answer, but to keep fighting the fear is exhausting nonetheless.

I know I need to let go and surrender the struggle. I need to let go of the eating disorder and the fear and move forward into the unknown.  For in the unknown, I know I will find the life I've wanted to live, free of the negativity and fear that has kept me stuck. Letting go and surrendering to what may come is scary for me but to live in such a bubble of fear and comfortable discomfort is stifling my spirit. When I think about surrendering and trusting in what is to come, my spirit is elated, almost jumping in glee at the thought of taking over the reins from my fear-driven ego. My spirit, my soul is dying to be set free from this negativity and shadow of fear.

So today, I consciously choose to love myself unconditionally on this journey of healing my inner wounds, recovering from the eating disorder and letting go of the burden of fear.  Moving forward into the darkness, I shine my light on the shadow of fear, letting go of all that binds me, surrendering to the imperfect perfection of each moment, loving myself and freeing myself from the darkness of my shadow.  

Igniting Unity

Smokey air fills the sky,
Cascading over the land in a sea of haze.
The sun dims, illuminating an eerie glow.
Breathing compromised, toxicity permeating into your lungs.
No longer a question in your mind but a knowingness.
A knowingness of the unease you know all too well.

Pulled back into that moment,
The moment when you had to turn your back on all that you knew.
Entering into the unknown,
Resisting the unsettling pit in your stomach.
Turning to friends, family, anyone who could offer comfort, relief.
Questions bombarding your mind, unsure of how to cope.

A fire is building, igniting our land yet again.
Affecting all who breathes the toxic air,
Pulling at the heart strings of all fire victims.
A bond has been formed, one that draws us all together.
Knowing that no matter how desolate it seems,
You are not alone in this.

Yet this fear permeates into our hearts,
The unknown, the unease, the hopelessness.
Haven't we suffered enough?
Hasn't our land suffered enough?

Questions bombard my thoughts.
Questions of why this is happening again.
Deep in my heart, I know a lesson must be taken from each fire
That engulfs our land in flames and sets our hearts ablaze.

But what is that lesson?
To take better care of the environment maybe?
Or just as a harsh reminder of the fragility and delicate nature of this earth,
Which we inhabit and so often take for granted.

The unknown of the root cause of all this chaos, all this destruction
Leaves me with the only thing I have left.
The comfort and support I can give to those affected.
The comfort and support we can all give to one another.

To pull through these times of tribulation.
To rely and seek solace in the strength of this bond we all share.
A deep knowing that we are never alone in this,
Never alone to take on these challenges.

Fire, disastrous and chaotic, is bringing us together,
Shedding light on the shared experience,
Rather than our illusory, perceived differences.
The inferno is ablaze in our land and in our hearts,
To recognize what we cannot control,
And tune into the power within us all.

Togetherness and strength.
Support and comfort.
Refuge and solace.
Together,
Igniting the flame of unity.

Overcoming Anxiety

Have you ever wondered what it is about fear that penetrates into our everyday lives?  Have you ever wondered how to overcome this fear, this anxiety that keeps us stuck in old habitual negative patterns of thinking and behaving?  If you're predisposed to anxiety like myself, you may have asked yourself these same questions.

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to attend an incredible workshop with my family.  Led by Jim Vassallo, who was featured in Yoga Journal in 2006, this workshop revolved around the discussion of the origins of anxiety as well as how to implement practical tools to overcome this anxiety and fear that is so pervasive in our society today.

A group of about 12 gathered and we began by sharing some of our own fears.  Many of these fears revolved around the future, money and failure.  Coming from all walks and stages of life, it was eye-opening to see that at their core, all anxiety comes from a similar fear and a lack of faith.  Jim began by discussing the origins of anxiety by outlining nine different sources and explanations of each:
       
             1. Fear- the only way to overcome fears are to face them.
             
             2. Lack of Action- fear prevents action.  We need to get rid of anxiety by taking action (can be      
             as simple as going on a run, taking a walk, journaling, meditating, doing yoga, talking to a
             friend...anything proactive to rid the body of the physiological effects of anxiety).
             
             3. Toxic Environment- whether it be a stressful job, an unhealthy relationship, or just negative
             environments, we feed off of what we are surrounded by.  Even if we have the will,
             our environment is stronger.
           
             4. Being "here" but wanting to be "there"- in essence living in the future instead of the
             present, always doing and working toward something instead of enjoying the simplicity and
             beauty of each moment.  

             5. Trying to be someone we are not- in psychological terms this can be referred to as
            dissonance (when who we are doesn't line up with how we're living our life).

             6. Childhood Experiences- most if not all of us have had some sort of traumatic experience
            of varying degrees that we have subconsciously repressed.  We must revisit and release them.

             7. Duality: Ego identity vs. True identity- the ego identity is along the lines of "I am a
             student, a teacher, a perfectionist, a wife, a mom, a hard-worker".  When you strip away this
             mask, we are left with who we really are: spiritual beings having a human experience.

             8. Adrenal Fatigue- the majority of Americans unknowingly suffer from this.  It is brought on
            by severe emotional stress coupled with nutritional deficiencies and result in the following
            symptoms: fatigue, nervousness, phobias, inability to cope with stressful events, food cravings,
            insomnia, food allergies and many others.

            9. Poor Diet- need I say more?

After discussing the origins of anxiety and of course sharing our experiences with each along the way, we then discussed the 12 steps to overcome anxiety:
         
           1. A steady yoga practice
          
           2. Many hours of solitude and meditation
           
           3. Keep a journal for self-study
           
           4. Find a good therapist or person to talk to
           
           5. Read spiritual books- the one you're supposed to read will find you:)
         
           6. Avoid toxic people and situations - if this isn't completely feasible, work to build up an
           invisible shield if you will to provide yourself with a protective boundary that the negativity
           cannot permeate into.
         
           7. Seek out like-minded people
          
           8. Take action!
           
           9. Simplify your life- get rid of the clutter!
       
          10. Get a sense of humor- don't take yourself or life too seriously...I have to keep reminding
           myself of this one:).
       
          11. Take control of your own health- make any needed diet and lifestyle changes.
       
          12. Find your true purpose- Align with who you really are and what your passions are.

The last tid bits of advice Jim gave us was to do what you love, which sounds easy but it's all too often we get stuck in the obligations of everyday life and the "to-do" list.  So make time to nurture yourself whether it's by going on a hike, a run, journaling, writing poetry, singing, whatever it is do it! This will help to release blocked energy in what he referred to as the "Nadis".  Lastly, when faced with a negative or stressful situation that may not be in line with who we are or when we are in a negative or challenging relationship we only have 3 choices: 
                         
                            1. Get out- if your happiness is suffering as a result and this situation or relationship
                            is just too much, you may have to simply leave the toxic situation or relationship.
                         
                            2. Try to change it - if you think the situation or relationship can improve and there
                            is still hope, do your best to change it.
                         
                            3. Accept it - if you simply cannot get out or cannot change it, surrender and
                            acceptance is the only option.  Always remember surrender is not weakness:).

A Return to Love

Searching, yearning for something more.
Looking to the world to fill the longing in my soul.
Thinking I would find the answer,
The answer to the emptiness I felt.

Rejection.
That is what the world gave me.
Why didn't they like me?
What was wrong with me?

I was looking for something.
Something to make me feel worthy, important, whole.
I turned to what I thought would be a safe haven.
The voice told me it would save me, protect me from the harsh reality of the world.

Empowered, in control, strong.
It gave me everything the world did not; security.
Control the food, the voice said.  This is all you have.
Mold your body.  This is your worth.
Love based upon conditions, external factors determined my worth.

Searching, yearning for something more.
Looking to the world to fill the longing in my soul.
Feeling defected, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough.
Attaching myself to these beliefs.

Looking to the world for love,
Coming up empty handed, rejected for who I was.
Where was this love I knew existed?

A journey away from love, away from myself.
The love and light within growing dimmer and dimmer.
Losing sight, losing myself.

The food gave me what the world could not.
Comfort, control, release, escape.
Escape from the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness.
But the escape was always temporary.

The longing in my soul has beckoned me to hear its call.
Whispering, nudging, hoping I'd hear its pleas.
You are good enough, you are lovable, the gentle voice said.
You are more than your body, more than the negative beliefs you harbor.
Only you have the power to change.

A journey back to love, back to myself has begun.
Slow and arduous it has been, a non-linear process.
Growing and learning each day, relearning how to love unconditionally.
Falling back in love with myself, relinquishing the control.
Learning to trust, to believe in myself, in the natural unfolding of life.

This journey has not been easy.
It has been the toughest path I've walked.
Yet, an imperfectly beautiful, empowering one at that.

The external world no longer holds the key to unlock the love within.
Infinite and flowing, this love exists within us all,
Waiting to be sought out.
Returning to this love, we find the answer to all life's questions:
The source of love is within.

Upon entering this world, we are full of infinite love.
Until one day we are conditioned to fear.
To safeguard this love, to lock it away and throw away the key.
But this love never abandoned us.
It never stopped seeking us out.
We must now listen to its call.

Searching, yearning for something more.
Turning my gaze inward I finally see.
The truth. The answer. The missing piece.

It is a journey we must all take, one of courage, determination and perseverance.
To choose yourself over anyone else is the greatest gift.
Falling back in love with the real you is where it all begins.
Taking the leap, trusting what is and letting go of the beliefs holding you back.
The journey is just beginning,
Starting with you and me;
A return to love.