Let it Go

"We need to learn to let go as easily as we grasp and we will find our hands full and our minds empty," said Leo F. Buscaglia. 

I stumbled across this after quite some time of digging for the perfect quote, a string of words I didn't seem to think I could weave together myself. But, the ironic thing is I latched onto my search, unable to pull my mind toward this blank screen staring me down, avoidance of the task at hand. Fixated on the notion of discovering the sentence that would summarize these past few weeks in a nutshell, my mind would not rest until this "need" was met. 

Lately, this has been the state of my "being," consumed by meaningless thoughts and worries. My mind has been adrift, my thoughts erratic. I find myself doing one thing and thinking another, unable to be conscious with the moment in front of me. Running away, or attempting to run away from my thoughts swirling about in my head. Distracting myself with the business of everyday life, making sure each moment is spent "doing." 

My sense of calm has nearly been vanquished by the utter chaos of my mind. So, it's time I take a much-needed, long overdue breath, grounding me back into the only moment that matters, the here, the now. But to do so requires some de-cluttering of the past, some reflection on that which I cannot change, that which I am trying to surrender and let go of. 

Something unexpected happened about two weeks ago, an ending of a relationship that had only just begun. A bitter disappointment to something I thought was heading down a path I had not yet been down, but was eager to experience. To think something was one thing only to find out it was little more than a casual thing for the other, is disappointing on many levels. But, to be made aware of this ending without words from the other person, with zero explanation or reason as to why is wounding on levels that I hadn't experienced prior. 

To have spent time with another person, letting them into your life, opening them up to your family and friends, is a risk I thought was worth taking. Believing this person to be a genuine, good-hearted person who I could trust, only to wind up feeling vulnerable, exposed and made a fool. The ending came without words, without any indication that things were heading that way. And, still I have not been given the closure I believe I deserve. It all boils down to a lack of respect and common courtesy to simply communicate to the other person, someone they had spent time with and had clearly indicated their interest in the relationship. But, this did not happen and it is quite unlikely to ever happen. 

Anger, resentment, frustration. I despise the haphazard, inconsiderate way he handled things. My thoughts still swirl with anger toward my inability to control his actions, to make him see how he wronged me. Easing in and out of this phase, I briefly enter into the disappointed, sad, and let-down phase. But, sadness has never come easily to me, especially the type that I feel like I have no control over. I have yet to cry over this, though I know it could be the healing and closure I need to move on. But, part of me, mainly my pride, refuses to let myself shed a tear over this person. The ego part of me is rejoicing at the fact that I did not allow this person in completely, to see my wounded heart. And, frankly he didn't deserve it.

But, anger can only simmer for so long, before it becomes inwardly directed. Questioning what I may have done, why I wasn't good enough, I move into the pity phase. But, to stay in this space does nothing more than reaffirm the deep-seeded belief that I'm not enough. So, where do I go from here? How do I let go of something I have absolutely no control over? 

The eating disorder, "Ed," has been harassing me, begging me to come back into his arms, assuring me that he will make all things well again. Lies on top of lies on top of lies. Giving me comfort, reliability, and guarantee of the results, Ed thoughts consume me. Though I know I want nothing to do with his mind games, the thought pattern is already laid down. The thoughts and urges to restrict and gain back control over something when I feel like I have no control over other things. And the opposing end of the spectrum wrapped in the urge to binge, to slink away into the cloud of depression. Neither serve me in the long run, but the control freak in me begs for some release. My thoughts run around and around. Fear, anger, sadness…emotions I am resistant to feeling. 

A voice remains, stifled and quiet but still within hearing. The voice urges me to refocus, re-prioritize my life toward recovery of mind, body and spirit. This voice comes from that place within me that speaks the truth, but is overshadowed by habitual fearful thinking. Maybe this is why that relationship had to end. Maybe, I need more time to focus on healing myself from these wounds and reestablishing a loving relationship with myself. It's been a lifelong struggle, but what better time than now. 

Grasping onto things, situations, expectations, end results has always been easy for me. Letting go of these same things is a whole different story. But, for me, the letting go part has always been the part, though uncomfortable and foreign, that I need to move through in order to live in this moment, the only one I have. Though these words I have uttered may be marked by imperfection, I relinquish the control over what I should and should not have said or could have said better. 

With an eager heart, I wish to surrender the past, letting go of the unexpected disappointment and moving forward into the life I want- one marked by self-acceptance and self-love, healing and recovery of mind, body and spirit, grounded in the present. 

Young, Wild and Free

Time is a peculiar thing. To think we have so much of it, to live our lives at a leisurely pace, wasting away the precious moments that we will never get back. But, to be in a state of constant urgency to fill the day up until the last minute is to overarch into the other end of the gamut. To find that middle ground, that tipping point between living each moment, each day to the fullest and simply counting the minutes until the long, dreaded hours of the day waste away. Thus, is the balancing act of life, to reclaim the innate privilege of young, wild and free. 

When I was young, the notion of time was irrelevant to the vein of my existence. Nowadays, I find myself a slave to the clock more than I would like. Planning each day down to the last minute, I structure my day according to the "to do" list, leaving little time to catch my breath. Literally racing from one event to the next, I move about my day in a blur, not quite sure how I got to my next destination, preoccupied by the stress of running late…again. I'd like to think of myself as a punctual person, but I have developed a nasty habit of being about five to ten minutes late, which does nothing more than increase my stress and make me prone to unsafe driving whizzing through traffic. 

These past two months have literally flashed by in a blur, full of significant changes in the course of my path to come. The ongoing busyness of work, devoting half my week to working at the group home, the other half to the school. And, in between, filling the gaps with as many articles and freelance assignments as I can mange. What began as a a good kind of busy has slowly transformed into a wear and tear sort of busy, one that leaves me dragging at the end of each day, wishing for one day to do absolutely nothing. Of course, that day never comes because I wouldn't allow it. 

Having progressed out of the "honeymoon" phase of my job, I find myself feeling a bit more drained, emotionally and physically. Working with these kids, though satisfying and extremely rewarding, is definitely no easy task. It takes nearly all the energy I have to devote the attention to these attention-deprived kids, but I've noticed this worn-out demeanor taking over these past couple of weeks, preventing me from being present. Initially, I felt a sense of passion and excitement at the prospect of being a kid again, in a way, living out the years I missed out on when I was young, already consumed by the eating disorder. Being with these kids has given me a chance to reclaim my youth and to redeem these "lost" years.

But, I am beginning to realize that if I am going to continue down this career path like I intend to, I need to learn to recognize my limits and boundaries. To know when to take a step back and protect myself from getting sucked into the bottomless pit of emotions that comes with this kind of job, to really start utilizing the self-care tools I hardly ever use. Otherwise, "Ed" will most definitely creep back in. And, in all honesty, he's still been hanging around here and there, mostly in the form of binging, which isn't glamorous by any means but it beats the full-blown eating disorder black hole. It still seems to be my way to self-sooth after a day, a week of nonstop activity. 

Aside from the job, I will be moving in less than a week into a house with a good friend of mine and another girl. These past few weeks I've felt myself pulling away from my family, not really attempting to spend time with them, not that I am around all that much to do so anyways. But, this urge to be independent, on my own, in my own space, has been coming to the surface, causing me to be a little more agitated than normal when I am at home. 

I am extremely appreciative of my family and all that they've done for me, allowing me to stay with them rent-free, but I also think I'm ready to stand on my own two feet. Nearly a year after graduating, I feel rooted and grounded enough in my job and in myself to plant my roots in my own home. It may not be as glamorous as I hope for, paying my own bills, but I feel like it's time. 

It seems that change comes in waves, sometimes pounding ones that you didn't see coming or inevitable ones you've been resisting for some time. Other times, slow, rolling waves that still aren't quite comfortable but gentle enough to ease into. Looking back over this past year, since graduating less than a year ago, I still can't fathom all that has happened, leaving me in a crazy, emotionally-draining, yet fueling and recharging time warp. 

Yes, time is a strange thing. To think I have my whole life ahead of me, to live out my life, to finally take responsibility for each day, allowing the "perfect" schedule to slip by the wayside and allowing the flux of daily bumps and turbulence. To live for today, present and aware of the beauty in each moment, undefined by time. 

I'm learning each day to let others in, to let a particular relationship unfold as it so needs to, in the time and manner it needs to run its course, whatever that may be. But, to enjoy the moments getting to know another person on this level of intimacy and allowing that person to see me, my wounds, my heart. Still fearful of entering into this foreign domain, unaware of what is to come, but attempting to let go of expectations and doubts. Going back in time now, to reclaim the lost years of my youth, letting go of the fears, living each day as it comes, young, wild and free. 

The Tides of Change

"Embrace change," reads the engraving on the tea mug warming my hands, as I sip the soothing tea. These two words, simple and direct, reflect a way of life, the only way to live in a state of contentment.

Riding the waves, the tides of change, in our lives, we know the cliche saying is all too true. With change as the only constant in this lifetime, coming to grips with the ebbs and flows of every day life is no easy task though.

Reflecting on this, I come to find that it not only is pertinent to situational matters: a change of lifestyle, a change in occupation or a change in environment, but to the passing moods of our unique, but shared emotional states. Throughout each day, we all experience moments of ease and happiness, only to be disrupted momentarily by waves of anger, frustration, impatience, guilt or sadness, among many others.

What begins as a "good" day slowly transforms into a day bogged down by the stresses of life. The next day, the stressful day eases its grip on you as soon as you meander your way into a more relaxed state of mind, maybe brought on by a chat with a friend, a yoga class or the notion of the weekend within your reach. Whatever the pattern may be, each day we know the emotional roller coaster that may lie ahead if we allow it to.

I find myself experiencing this roller coaster a little less frequently these days, as I've come to find some stability in my routine, job and support system. Though, I know these states of depression, hopelessness and anxiety were not entirely due to the external events but moreso to my attachment to these events and allowing them to govern my emotions.

Just as I am aware of this, it must be true that these series of changes most recently: working at the group home and the school the kids attend, quitting Old Navy and applying for Americorps NCCC, are not entirely responsible for my reclaimed sense of security, confidence, trust and happiness.

My attachment to these things, these changes, is steering my mood and thus, controlling my ability to remain happy as long as these things stay constant. But, as we know, things can always change and nothing is guaranteed. So, why must we latch on so tightly to temporary situations or conditional states only to be disappointed when they are no longer? Are we simply setting ourselves up to be disappointed?

We spend so much time fighting and resisting the inevitably of change, whether it be these particular changes or other more tangible ones. The one I speak of is the attachment to our body and its predetermined worth by society or ourselves. Like many, my attachment has been in terms of how fit I am, how healthy I eat and of course the number on the scale.

And, this changes daily. One day, I may have eaten "good" and exercised for the magic amount of time and feel good, confident and solid in my deemed worth. The next day, maybe I've overeaten or not exercised up to par or at all and feel completely different, low self worth and mood. Though I know endorphins and all that good stuff are involved, I know its my attachment to these things that creates my present happiness or distress. So, how do we detach from these things and remain the neutral observer riding the tides of change?

Trust seems to be a key player in this. Trusting that everything is temporary: a bad mood, a horrible job, a negative relationship with others or with ourselves. And, on the flip side, the "good" is temporary as well, when it comes to basing our happiness on the deemed positives in our life: a good mood, a fulfilling job or a loving relationship.

This isn't to say we shouldn't be happy if we do have these things, but I think there's more to it than that. Finding happiness in our willingness to roll with these changes and flow with the waves of life, rather than resisting or latching onto the outcomes. I think when we let go of basing our state of happiness or sense of worth on our outside world, we come to terms with things as they are, not as we want them to be or as we think they should be.

Maybe, it's about recognizing that which changes and deciphering between that and the only thing that remains constant: authentic love for ourselves and others. And, as we work toward this acceptance of ourselves and others no matter the flux of moods, situations or physical appearance, we find love as our anchor, the only anchor to hold us down and keep us grounded as we ride the tides of change.

True Colors

You may know the person I speak of. She is your friend, your ally, your accomplice, your other half. She is your enemy, your bruised ego, your aching heart, your tears and sorrow. Her words are your words, her expression and beauty a mirror of your own, her soul a twin flame lighting the darkness of the world. 

I've known her all my life. She's known me at my worst and at my best. I can't say I've always appreciated the bond we shared but somehow, I knew this love was unlike any other I would ever experience, a blessing and treasured gift. She's grown to be someone I admire more than anyone else, for her strength, her courage, her resiliency, a free spirit soaring in the breeze and turbulence that is life. 

You may know her by another name, but she is one and the same. A sister to share the blood of your ancestors pumping through the web of veins, a common link between the generations. Her life is no mistake, as yours is no accident either. As sisters, you share an unmistakable, undeniable love unlike anything else. 

My sister is someone who loves with her whole heart, a courageous soul fighting for who and what she loves. With the beautiful words etched on her body, she has intended herself for a life of love, a path we all seek. Inscribed in Spanish, the words marked among images and designs of the night sky read: 

         

       "Haz lo que amas y ama lo que haces." 

                            Do what you love and love what you do.

A journey we all seek, to live the life we love. I find myself mulling over the concept of love and passion in terms of living out my life purpose, whatever that may be. Working at a group home with kids with special needs, I am beginning to grasp the possibility of finding my niche, my passion. 

I always thought I wanted to be a counselor, and maybe someday I will. But, life has other plans for me right now. When I look forward to going to work to interact with the kids, I know this is where I am supposed to be. I feel their stories of loss, hurt and abandonment seeping into my heart, pulling at my heart strings. Their presence in my life has awoken a love in me I haven't always been in touch with. They truly bring out the best in me, the caring, loving, patient parts that have struggled to find their say with the shadow of my fears, regrets and shortcomings. 

But, with the kids, I find myself existing in this space of authenticity and genuine love. And, I suddenly realize this is exactly what those words mean to me right now, at this point in my life. To find something I love and to do it with my whole heart is what I'm after, what I'm constantly seeking to find. And, maybe for now, I've found it. A place to open my heart to kids who are desperately in need of the love they have been cheated out of the majority of their existence. 

As my heart opens to the lives of these truly amazing kids, I know this is yet another, blessing and treasured gift. It is a chance that I have been given to learn more about loving without judgments, without conditions, without preconceived notions or expectations, opening my heart to loving freely and openly, letting my true colors shine out into my life to share with the world. 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God….” Corrie ten Boom

Coming back from two weeks spent in Ecuador…two weeks spent soaking in natural hot springs, trekking partway up a 19,000-foot volcano in a cloud of fog, touring a coffee plantation, seeing the world-renowned blue-footed booby (a Darwinian discovery) and drinking my body weight in fresh-squeezed mango juice, not to mention the plethora of delicious and salivating food (fried plantains and shrimp ceviche to name a few favorites)…only to return to subzero temperatures back home, a new sort of harsh culture shock.

Adjusting to "reality" has been a challenge and I find myself in a bit of a situationally-induced depression after coming off of the high of traveling. Over the course of our travels, I found myself able to loosen up and let go of the rigid exercise and food rules, able to enjoy my time with my family and go with the flow. It was a much-needed break from the day-to-day routine. 

A couple of days into my trip, I received an email from my boss (at the group home for adolescent boys with special needs that I am working part-time at) that a full time position had opened up. We proceeded to correspond about my interest in the position, which led to her seemingly informally offering it to me, which I was extremely ecstatic about. I felt as though things had finally fallen into place and it gave me a much-needed sense of peace knowing I had found something secure, stable. I was elated at the thought of landing a "real" job and finally moving past this awkward, uncomfortable limbo phase. 

The next day, at the same exact time that I was writing a postcard to the boys, I heard from my boss saying that she had decided to give the position to another girl who had been there longer than I had. I was devastated. A part of me had known all along it was too good to be true, after all I have really only been working there for about two months. But, another part of me felt like it was the perfect time. After processing her decision and coming to terms with again, being back in the limbo phase of waiting, I find myself coming back to this ever pervasive theme in my life: trust, or rather the lack there of.

This theme of trusting in the unknown, in God, in the universe, to let go of the fear that keeps me stuck in my ways and unable to look past the temporary discomfort of the unknown, keeps showing up time and time again. The situations that keep presenting themselves all go back to this lesson, to teach me that I can't keep holding onto these fears, the fear of the future, of not being in control, of not having a "plan."

When I thought I had gotten the job, I heard this inner voice say, "See, I told you; everything always works out." It's amazing though how much time I spend worrying about things not working out and focusing all my energy on this. So, as much as I'd like to say I am not afraid to trust my unknown future to a known God, I can't say I'm there yet. I want to let go of the fear and just keep living my life as though this fear does not weigh me down as much as I let it.


Coming off of this high of a vacation and the brief high of believing I had landed a job, I'm yet again trying to find my footing, some sense of purpose and sense of worth. It's funny how much emphasis we put on external factors to determine our worth, but how can we not place some value in this? I think having a purpose, whether it be a job or volunteer work or your role in the family can positively serve to aid our sense of worth. But, it's a fine line between placing all our worth in these roles we play and in simply using them to add to our happiness.

All rambling aside, I know this theme, this lesson of trusting in the unknown, letting go of the fear and having faith that things will work out, is going to keep surfacing, probably stronger each time until I start learning the lesson. So, heeding the wise words of Corrie ten Boom, I am going to keep working toward this sense of intuitive trust, in myself, in my abilities, in the future, in God, letting go of the illusion of fear, and moving forward as best I can, into the unknown.

Coming Up For Air

A couple weeks ago, I did something I had resisted for quite some time. Even now, speaking the words to someone outside my immediate family or close friends, I feel this resistance come up yet again. After months of struggling with the depression and anxiety, with brief pockets of finding stable footing only to be sucked back into the downward spiral, I knew I had to do something.

As someone who doesn't like the idea of having to rely upon pharmaceutical drugs to cope, I didn't even consider it an option. I had been on an antidepressant before, a couple years back, and hated the zombie-endused effect it had on me. It made me feel numb, distant and detached from life around me. Abiding by my therapist's recommendations, I continued with the medication until one day, something snapped and I decided I would be better off without them. And, turns out, I was.

But, now, years later, I felt the cloud yet again, hovering above me, threatening to stay indefinitely. I felt as though each thought stirred up a wave of anxiety, washing over me and sweeping me up in its tantalizing grip. I felt distant, detached and unable to remain present and in the moment of day to day life.

Since being on the antidepressant and anti anxiety medication, I've felt well, pretty much the same. Initially, I felt euphoric, with a huge dose of energy and motivation surging through me, like I could breathe again. Feeling like I had come up for air, I was ecstatic about how quickly things felts different, yet, in the back of my mind, I prepared myself for this temporary state to pass. Though momentarily the cloud had dispersed, it only returned soon after, accompanied by the same anxious thoughts.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that my body is still adjusting to the medication and it will take some time to feel the full effect. But, considering I haven't been all gun-ho for medication in the first place, I'm beginning to wonder if this really is the necessary boost I need. I want so badly to feel like me again, inspired and recharged with the life I know is there, hidden underneath the fog. I feel like a fraud, knowing that my motto of living for today, is nothing but an imprint on my body.

I feel like sometimes I am able to come up for air, take in a deep breath of the beauty and blessings that surround me. But, this breather does not last as I am soon swept back into the anxiety or depression. And, the biggest thing I am afraid of, is regret. Regretting all this wasted time spent immobile, not living up the years that are meant to be taken advantage of, not relishing in the adventures I could be having. I don't want to regret the things I didn't do because I was too afraid or too depressed. So, maybe I can use this as my motivation to start living out my life motto.

I find myself wishing desperately to be back into the head space I was in for the majority of my time in New Zealand, momentarily free from the demons that plague my mind and heart. I know it wasn't the place that made me feel such freedom and exhilaration, but it did help to be transported to a completely different environment, away from the routine and comforts of my life. Now, that I've been back in the routine of living back home, I feel myself sinking into it, attaching myself to the comfortability of the security.

The thought of being stripped away from these routines, mainly the exercise regime, safe foods and security of living at home, frightens me. But, why? I found myself today really trying to question this pervasive fear, brought up by the majority of my thoughts. I tried to question these fears and break down their scary demeanor. Because, when I did so, the fear, whatever it was, seemed frankly rather silly and mundane. And, let's be honest, most of my fears are. But they disguise themselves as huge, frightening creatures waiting to strike.

So, maybe that is what I need to keep doing. Instead of going into automatic panic zone when certain thoughts arise, maybe I need to break these fears down and question them. Though, I know the analyzer in me will love this and probably take the questioning part too far. So, perhaps once I've broken down the fearful thought, if the fear doesn't diminish, then that's where the accepting observer comes into play, to simply accept the thought and let it be. Well, here goes nothing.

Finding My Way Back

After weeks of procrastination and delaying the words I have yet to place on this screen, I have finally brought myself to this moment. It's funny how something so seemingly daunting can easily be taken on when the delaying has ceased to have its say. I can't always say why it takes so long in between posts to utter the words rolling around in my head, pestering to give them air to breathe.

If I had to guess, the lack of motivation, is probably the single biggest perpetrator. Feeling withdrawn, wallowing in my own muck, I find it easy to find the off switch to the outside world, building up the walls of isolation around me. The ups and downs, never ceasing to give me whiplash, have persisted as I go about the day to day routine. Some moments, I'm able to breathe and allow these passing moods to be just that. At other times, the moods reel me in, wrapping me up in their tight embrace.

The feelings consist of depression over my perceived lack of purpose and meaning, having little to no direction as to where I am heading or working toward, the anxiety over what I "should" be doing and the discrepancy between that and what I am doing (or not doing for that matter), the guilt over not being an enjoyable presence to be around with my family and making them put up with these passing moods, the shame and frustration over not being able to severe the ties with the eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and the list goes on. 

Sometimes, I think I have more control over these various moods and can simply choose to feel a different way, be more positive and optimistic but other times, it feels like these feelings reign over me and my behavior. I feel like I am constantly bombarded by these strong thoughts, feelings and urges and to fight, struggle and try to suppress them or get rid of them does nothing but make them come back even stronger the next time round. So, I try to simply accept them for what they are, temporary thoughts and feelings that will and do pass if I let them. 

But, I think my ego and analytical mind gets the best of me and I begin to dig even deeper into the whys and hows: why do I feel this way? How come I can't snap out of this funk? What is wrong with me? Am I defected? Then there's the guilt over feeling depressed or feeling anxious and thinking I really am defected, which leads to reaffirm the deep-seeded belief and corroborate the "I'm not good enough" and "I'm unworthy" affirmation. Yes, I know where this belief came from way back when my peers didn't accept me for the shy, introverted person I was but how can I move past this belief and stop it from ruling my life? When the urges to binge have come up these past couple of weeks, this belief seems to be the culprit, the self-sabotaging desire to punish myself and reaffirm this lack of self worth. 

Yet, all the while, a part of me remains, call it the true Self, the part that knows all of this is merely a drama staged by the ego, who's too wrapped up in the physical, mental and emotional world to be concerned with the intangible. The Self sees straight through the lies, the deception. Yet, finding my way back and listening to this voice is not always the easiest. I know it's there, and it always has been, patiently waiting for me to come back to it, to find the path beneath my feet, out of my head and into my heart. To refocus my attention on the love and blessings all around me, the simplicity of living and letting go, shedding the layers of the ego's drama-driven facade. 

To stake my claim on my own journey, my own path in this world, letting go of the need to compare and size up my success or perceived lack of to friends or co-workers, and realize that this path is my own, and theirs their own. To get caught up in the game of who is doing more, achieving more, is to only play into the ego's drama and reaffirm the belief of not being enough. The Self knows I am more than enough, just as I am, here and now. It knows its path, its journey, and needs not to look toward the path of someone else to belittle my worth. The Self knows how to bring me back into this heart center, the space where the physical, mental and emotional realms bear no weight. Returning to the path of love and trust, I meander my way back into this space time and time again, refusing to give up.