“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God….” Corrie ten Boom

Coming back from two weeks spent in Ecuador…two weeks spent soaking in natural hot springs, trekking partway up a 19,000-foot volcano in a cloud of fog, touring a coffee plantation, seeing the world-renowned blue-footed booby (a Darwinian discovery) and drinking my body weight in fresh-squeezed mango juice, not to mention the plethora of delicious and salivating food (fried plantains and shrimp ceviche to name a few favorites)…only to return to subzero temperatures back home, a new sort of harsh culture shock.

Adjusting to "reality" has been a challenge and I find myself in a bit of a situationally-induced depression after coming off of the high of traveling. Over the course of our travels, I found myself able to loosen up and let go of the rigid exercise and food rules, able to enjoy my time with my family and go with the flow. It was a much-needed break from the day-to-day routine. 

A couple of days into my trip, I received an email from my boss (at the group home for adolescent boys with special needs that I am working part-time at) that a full time position had opened up. We proceeded to correspond about my interest in the position, which led to her seemingly informally offering it to me, which I was extremely ecstatic about. I felt as though things had finally fallen into place and it gave me a much-needed sense of peace knowing I had found something secure, stable. I was elated at the thought of landing a "real" job and finally moving past this awkward, uncomfortable limbo phase. 

The next day, at the same exact time that I was writing a postcard to the boys, I heard from my boss saying that she had decided to give the position to another girl who had been there longer than I had. I was devastated. A part of me had known all along it was too good to be true, after all I have really only been working there for about two months. But, another part of me felt like it was the perfect time. After processing her decision and coming to terms with again, being back in the limbo phase of waiting, I find myself coming back to this ever pervasive theme in my life: trust, or rather the lack there of.

This theme of trusting in the unknown, in God, in the universe, to let go of the fear that keeps me stuck in my ways and unable to look past the temporary discomfort of the unknown, keeps showing up time and time again. The situations that keep presenting themselves all go back to this lesson, to teach me that I can't keep holding onto these fears, the fear of the future, of not being in control, of not having a "plan."

When I thought I had gotten the job, I heard this inner voice say, "See, I told you; everything always works out." It's amazing though how much time I spend worrying about things not working out and focusing all my energy on this. So, as much as I'd like to say I am not afraid to trust my unknown future to a known God, I can't say I'm there yet. I want to let go of the fear and just keep living my life as though this fear does not weigh me down as much as I let it.


Coming off of this high of a vacation and the brief high of believing I had landed a job, I'm yet again trying to find my footing, some sense of purpose and sense of worth. It's funny how much emphasis we put on external factors to determine our worth, but how can we not place some value in this? I think having a purpose, whether it be a job or volunteer work or your role in the family can positively serve to aid our sense of worth. But, it's a fine line between placing all our worth in these roles we play and in simply using them to add to our happiness.

All rambling aside, I know this theme, this lesson of trusting in the unknown, letting go of the fear and having faith that things will work out, is going to keep surfacing, probably stronger each time until I start learning the lesson. So, heeding the wise words of Corrie ten Boom, I am going to keep working toward this sense of intuitive trust, in myself, in my abilities, in the future, in God, letting go of the illusion of fear, and moving forward as best I can, into the unknown.

Coming Up For Air

A couple weeks ago, I did something I had resisted for quite some time. Even now, speaking the words to someone outside my immediate family or close friends, I feel this resistance come up yet again. After months of struggling with the depression and anxiety, with brief pockets of finding stable footing only to be sucked back into the downward spiral, I knew I had to do something.

As someone who doesn't like the idea of having to rely upon pharmaceutical drugs to cope, I didn't even consider it an option. I had been on an antidepressant before, a couple years back, and hated the zombie-endused effect it had on me. It made me feel numb, distant and detached from life around me. Abiding by my therapist's recommendations, I continued with the medication until one day, something snapped and I decided I would be better off without them. And, turns out, I was.

But, now, years later, I felt the cloud yet again, hovering above me, threatening to stay indefinitely. I felt as though each thought stirred up a wave of anxiety, washing over me and sweeping me up in its tantalizing grip. I felt distant, detached and unable to remain present and in the moment of day to day life.

Since being on the antidepressant and anti anxiety medication, I've felt well, pretty much the same. Initially, I felt euphoric, with a huge dose of energy and motivation surging through me, like I could breathe again. Feeling like I had come up for air, I was ecstatic about how quickly things felts different, yet, in the back of my mind, I prepared myself for this temporary state to pass. Though momentarily the cloud had dispersed, it only returned soon after, accompanied by the same anxious thoughts.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that my body is still adjusting to the medication and it will take some time to feel the full effect. But, considering I haven't been all gun-ho for medication in the first place, I'm beginning to wonder if this really is the necessary boost I need. I want so badly to feel like me again, inspired and recharged with the life I know is there, hidden underneath the fog. I feel like a fraud, knowing that my motto of living for today, is nothing but an imprint on my body.

I feel like sometimes I am able to come up for air, take in a deep breath of the beauty and blessings that surround me. But, this breather does not last as I am soon swept back into the anxiety or depression. And, the biggest thing I am afraid of, is regret. Regretting all this wasted time spent immobile, not living up the years that are meant to be taken advantage of, not relishing in the adventures I could be having. I don't want to regret the things I didn't do because I was too afraid or too depressed. So, maybe I can use this as my motivation to start living out my life motto.

I find myself wishing desperately to be back into the head space I was in for the majority of my time in New Zealand, momentarily free from the demons that plague my mind and heart. I know it wasn't the place that made me feel such freedom and exhilaration, but it did help to be transported to a completely different environment, away from the routine and comforts of my life. Now, that I've been back in the routine of living back home, I feel myself sinking into it, attaching myself to the comfortability of the security.

The thought of being stripped away from these routines, mainly the exercise regime, safe foods and security of living at home, frightens me. But, why? I found myself today really trying to question this pervasive fear, brought up by the majority of my thoughts. I tried to question these fears and break down their scary demeanor. Because, when I did so, the fear, whatever it was, seemed frankly rather silly and mundane. And, let's be honest, most of my fears are. But they disguise themselves as huge, frightening creatures waiting to strike.

So, maybe that is what I need to keep doing. Instead of going into automatic panic zone when certain thoughts arise, maybe I need to break these fears down and question them. Though, I know the analyzer in me will love this and probably take the questioning part too far. So, perhaps once I've broken down the fearful thought, if the fear doesn't diminish, then that's where the accepting observer comes into play, to simply accept the thought and let it be. Well, here goes nothing.

Finding My Way Back

After weeks of procrastination and delaying the words I have yet to place on this screen, I have finally brought myself to this moment. It's funny how something so seemingly daunting can easily be taken on when the delaying has ceased to have its say. I can't always say why it takes so long in between posts to utter the words rolling around in my head, pestering to give them air to breathe.

If I had to guess, the lack of motivation, is probably the single biggest perpetrator. Feeling withdrawn, wallowing in my own muck, I find it easy to find the off switch to the outside world, building up the walls of isolation around me. The ups and downs, never ceasing to give me whiplash, have persisted as I go about the day to day routine. Some moments, I'm able to breathe and allow these passing moods to be just that. At other times, the moods reel me in, wrapping me up in their tight embrace.

The feelings consist of depression over my perceived lack of purpose and meaning, having little to no direction as to where I am heading or working toward, the anxiety over what I "should" be doing and the discrepancy between that and what I am doing (or not doing for that matter), the guilt over not being an enjoyable presence to be around with my family and making them put up with these passing moods, the shame and frustration over not being able to severe the ties with the eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and the list goes on. 

Sometimes, I think I have more control over these various moods and can simply choose to feel a different way, be more positive and optimistic but other times, it feels like these feelings reign over me and my behavior. I feel like I am constantly bombarded by these strong thoughts, feelings and urges and to fight, struggle and try to suppress them or get rid of them does nothing but make them come back even stronger the next time round. So, I try to simply accept them for what they are, temporary thoughts and feelings that will and do pass if I let them. 

But, I think my ego and analytical mind gets the best of me and I begin to dig even deeper into the whys and hows: why do I feel this way? How come I can't snap out of this funk? What is wrong with me? Am I defected? Then there's the guilt over feeling depressed or feeling anxious and thinking I really am defected, which leads to reaffirm the deep-seeded belief and corroborate the "I'm not good enough" and "I'm unworthy" affirmation. Yes, I know where this belief came from way back when my peers didn't accept me for the shy, introverted person I was but how can I move past this belief and stop it from ruling my life? When the urges to binge have come up these past couple of weeks, this belief seems to be the culprit, the self-sabotaging desire to punish myself and reaffirm this lack of self worth. 

Yet, all the while, a part of me remains, call it the true Self, the part that knows all of this is merely a drama staged by the ego, who's too wrapped up in the physical, mental and emotional world to be concerned with the intangible. The Self sees straight through the lies, the deception. Yet, finding my way back and listening to this voice is not always the easiest. I know it's there, and it always has been, patiently waiting for me to come back to it, to find the path beneath my feet, out of my head and into my heart. To refocus my attention on the love and blessings all around me, the simplicity of living and letting go, shedding the layers of the ego's drama-driven facade. 

To stake my claim on my own journey, my own path in this world, letting go of the need to compare and size up my success or perceived lack of to friends or co-workers, and realize that this path is my own, and theirs their own. To get caught up in the game of who is doing more, achieving more, is to only play into the ego's drama and reaffirm the belief of not being enough. The Self knows I am more than enough, just as I am, here and now. It knows its path, its journey, and needs not to look toward the path of someone else to belittle my worth. The Self knows how to bring me back into this heart center, the space where the physical, mental and emotional realms bear no weight. Returning to the path of love and trust, I meander my way back into this space time and time again, refusing to give up. 

The Dance of Fear

Walking into the room, the voices echo around,

The faces of family and friends, their words spewing forth,

Yet the disconnect persists.

The fear lurking like a monster in the shadows.

Pulling me into its grip, severing the tie between the internal and the external world.

Deadened, severed, detached.

I stand, a meer shell of a person, observing, witnessing my life play out before my eyes.

My mind pulls me into its web of lies, fears and distractions.

The detachment deepens, penetrating into each moment.

The present is sprawled out before me, beauty and wonder at my fingertips,

Yet its beauty goes unnoticed to my naked eyes.

Withdrawn from the world, the shadow of fear dances before me,

Mocking me, for its tantalizing grip, steering me in every which way.

The thoughts, the voices in my head, lure me in.

Sucking the life out of me.

Reeling me in, I listen to the lies, the distractions swirling about.

The anxieties, the fears, the obsession.

The food, the exercise, the counting.

The manifestation of the pervasive fear hovering beneath the surface.

Concealed by a smile and tidy outer shell.

The brief moment of freedom presents itself,

Revitalizing my being, breaking free of the fear.

Breathing in, and breathing out, my mind fighting to stay afloat.

Regaining my sense of presence.

Going through the motions of life, waiting for the light within to ignite.

To stamp out the shadow of the night.

To cast away the fear that refuses to back down.

Instead, building like a fire smoldering in the night.

The fear dances before me.

My heart begging me not to give in,

To not believe the lies, the illusions, the facade.

To dance back into the light, to find this source within.

Breathing in, my mind relinquishes the fears,

Momentarily freeing up space for the moment to have its say.

The fear, shaking its head in amusement,

Laughing as it saunters away,

Dancing back into the shadow of the night.

A Shift of Focus

Writing has always been my lifeline, my go to. It is a way to express the words I can't always utter without the aid of a pen, paper or a keyboard. Yet, the words don't always flow easily, especially lately. I feel this longing to free up the space cluttered in my head by minuscule worries and anxieties, fears and doubts, sadness and longing. But, something has prevented me from relinquishing these words and loosening their grip on me.

As I continue to find my way in this limbo time, feeling continually lost and confused as a I search for any sign of where to steer my path, I keep coming up empty handed. Doing my internship and working has not shed any more light on what it is I want to do, though I am beginning to get a clearer picture of what it is I don't want to do. It has been a struggle bringing a positive, eager and appreciative attitude to these opportunities, and I know the deemed shortcomings result from my outlook on both.

I keep hoping each day, the light switch will go on and my life will begin. I keep wishing that this switch will turn off the eating disordered thoughts and snap me out of this. I haven't had a slip up in a couple of weeks now, yet the desire to engage in behaviors is still present. I keep wondering when this will get any easier. The desire and will to overcome this and finally move on with my life keeps surfacing, each time a little bit stronger. Though I haven't engaged in behaviors, my mindlessness around mealtime is still a struggle, and I find myself distracted by feelings of guilt and obsessive thoughts over caloric intake. And before I know it, I've finished eating and I haven't even been able to enjoy the taste of the food I've just consumed.

The calorie counting has recently intensified, and for some reason my mind has latched onto this means to further control and obsess about the food and exercise. Though I know logically calories are such a horrible gage of nutritional value, I can't seem to quite shake this obsessive compulsive tendency to count and recount calories eaten and calories burned. Nearly to the point of being driven mad by such obtrusive thoughts, I came to my wit's end and set up and appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. But, fifteen minutes into the session, I came to the realization (hopefully not stemming from my pride) that I've been through this, so many times, the talking, the sorting through the thoughts, the feelings and yet, the thoughts and behaviors keep coming back. So, maybe therapy isn't serving me anymore.

So, I set up an appointment with a nutritionist next week in hopes that she will have some clearer insight into how to break this nasty habit of calorie counting and let go of these disordered thoughts around food. I know it won't "fix" the problem but maybe it will help redirect the focus toward forming a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I know it's possible and I have all the desire in the world to get to that healthy balance point.

Though my focus has been clouded over by these intensified thoughts, I know that this anxiety around food and weight are merely a means to distract me from the bigger, much scarier underlying fears. The fear around what the future holds, what job I want to pursue, of failure, of incompetence. These intangible, seemingly out of my control fears seem so overwhelming that I think I use the food to focus on something that I can tangibly control.

Anxiety is such a tricky thing, as is the fear that underlies it. The fear really does come from a lack of being present in the moment, worrying about the past or the future. It's such a fine line between glancing back into the past, learning from it but not getting stuck and wrapped up in the shame, the guilt and the regret over what could have been. Or, looking toward the future, fearful of the unknown, the hidden path, and before you know it, another day has passed by.

I keep getting the feeling that my life is passing me by, while I sit, inactive, detached, simply allowing things to continue as they are. And, instead of taking this as a sign to become more engaged, I find myself getting defeated and even more complacent about actively pursuing the life I want to be living. Yet, I know each day offers the opportunity to enjoy whatever it is the day brings and that is where a shift in focus is needed. To shift my focus on the gift each day brings, instead of feeling weighed down by the "shoulds" and the disparity between what I could and want to be doing and what I am doing.

I keep coming back to the "live for today" mantra I have always sought to live by. Maybe it will continue to take a shift in perspective each time I get lost in the ramblings of my mind, away from the guilt, the regret over the past, away from the worry about the future, the obsessive thoughts. To come back to each moment, alive and invigorated by the chance to change my focus and come back to the present. Feeling my fingers slide over the keyboard steadily slowing, my eyelids weighing heavier each passing moment, I give gratitude for my writing, for this time to let the words flow, freeing up the space and allowing myself to let go and surrender to the moment.

Keeping the Faith

My day began, feeling a big more optimistic than I have. As I headed to my internship at a local alternative news publication, I tried to keep this mentality, despite waiting for nearly two hours to start doing any work. I have been switched over from my role as digital media intern to editorial intern, which is what I was interested in doing from the start. Yet, changing roles, has left me with a feeling of not knowing where I belong. I feel like this has been a constant theme these past couple of weeks, existing aimlessly and without a sense of purpose. I feel like I am merely going through the motions of life, doing this internship and starting my job at a retail store, not really sure as to why I am doing either or what the long-term benefits will be.

Not knowing what I am working toward or what it is I want to do, I am finding it very difficult to trust in the unknown of why I am still in this awkward, often times depressing transitionary phase of my life. I keep wondering when this will get any easier, when I will begin to get a stronger sense of clarity as to what the next step is. And the ups and downs are exhausting, feeling as though I have yet to find that stable balance point, between feeling really good one second and really low the next. I wish I could maintain more of an optimistic, grateful and trusting attitude in this phase in my life, but the overwhelming sense of unknown in what my future holds consumes me. 

When I am existing in the place of gratitude, for my family and their unrelenting support, I find it easier to let go of this pressure I've put on myself to figure things out. Yet, I feel a sense of shame and guilt in my inability to be independent and stand on my own two feet. I get wrapped up in the comparison game of what other people my age are doing and when I focus on those who appear to have their life more put together, I think to myself why can't I have that or be at a more stable point. Yet, I know comparing myself to others only detracts from my acceptance of where I am in my own life, something I am still struggling to come to terms with. I wish I could trust that things will work out, that I will find my place in this world, that I will find and reclaim my inner passion. I get a taste of this periodically, yet it seems that the littlest setback sends my emotions spiraling downward yet again.

Yesterday, I entered into that state of overwhelming depression, accompanied by the intense urge to binge. Though I did engage in some emotional eating, I found myself stopping, driven to do so by something stronger than the eating disorder. Though I know this was a triumph to not give in to the eating disorder, it's hard not to think that it's only a matter of time before this urge comes up again, and maybe this time I won't be as strong. It feels like a monster looming in the dark, just waiting for the inopportune moment to strike. I want so badly to overcome this, yet I feel like the littlest thing these days tips me over and knocks me down, making it harder and harder to pull myself back up each time. I am desperately trying to keep the faith and believe that I will get through this and I really do believe that, but the feelings of discouragement sneak up time and time again. 

Remaining positive through this phase in my life is all that I can try to focus my intention on, no matter how many times I slip back into the negative thinking or how tough it is to switch my outlook. As I shift my perception on this confusing time in my life, part of me sees it as a huge opportunity to learn, let go and trust that everything does and will work out. In less than a week, we are moving into our new home, the house we have rebuilt on the same plot of land where our house burned down in the Waldo fire last summer.

Another huge change and transition, moving back to where we used to live, seems so bizarre, exciting and a bit overwhelming. I can't even wrap my head around how it is going to feel living back there, in a completely different house. Another lesson in the concept of impermanence, the notion that the only thing that is constant is change and boy has that been ringing true this past year. This year, though I may not have consciously admitted how tough it has been to deal with these changes, has challenged me on all levels and I am still left wondering why.

It has taken all my strength to shift my focus and surrender to the deepest part of me that does trust this process, though it has been bumpy, challenging and a true test of how unsettling change still is for me. Yet I know that it is a feat each moment I shift toward the positive and focus on all that I am blessed with, the opportunity to work on myself during this transitionary period in order to work toward what I am really passionate about which is helping others. I know that each moment presents me with the chance to shift my thinking, to loosen the grip on the eating disordered thinking, to trust that everything will work out and to keep the faith that I will get through this and be stronger for it.    

Starting Over

The time has come for me to face the world. The time has come for me to face the fear of failure that

has been taunting me, eager to push me down for my deemed shortcomings these past couple of weeks. Where to begin?

After a mere 10 days at the ashram, I decided to leave. An urgency to get out overcame me the day I left, a pressing desire to be back home where I would be safe, safe from all the struggles that had been rising to the surface. Though I knew even at the moment of decision that this running away tactic, away from myself, would not do away with these internal struggles, the idea of being home, in a more freeing and safe environment felt like the best choice. I packed my belongings, said my peace to the kind and truly amazing people I had met and gracefully made my exit as best I could. Driving home, I felt as though the grass would be greener, that I would be better able to handle the increasing levels of depression and anxiety.

Come to find out, the struggle was just beginning. These past two weeks being back home, trying to again find my footing, my sense of grounding, I have felt as though the roller coaster of emotions has amplified. Being thrown back into reality and forced to face the world head on has thrown my recovery from the eating disorder into a bit of a tailspin. I have had relapses much more frequently than I have had in a very long time and it has jolted me to the point of feeling like I had hit a new rock bottom. I have experienced increasingly low levels of hopelessness, more intensely than I have had in quite a long time. Feelings of depression, discouragement, incompetence, inadequacy and feeling like I had failed rose rapidly to the surface. Did I really leave the ashram only to increase my levels of suffering and hardship? 

I have struggled to put into perspective the fact that maybe it really wasn't the right time or place for me to be at the ashram. Yes, it was a great opportunity to overcome these issues I've had but as I have come to find out, it doesn't take being secluded in a spiritual community to make these struggles rise to the surface. Is there some regret over wasting an opportunity like this? Maybe. 

But, when I go to the place of regret or guilt, I know I am only adding to my present distress. I can't change the decision I made, and what's done is done, so I am tying my best to look at this experience as just that, an experience where I tried my best. Leaving and deciding it wasn't for me or wasn't the right time does not mean I failed. It is what it is and to rehash this decision and wonder what if, does nothing but leave me with feelings of failure and regret.

So, the question is now what? How do I find my sense of direction when I have no idea what I am working toward? I feel as though I have no real sense of where to go from here, feeling lost and confused. No longer a student, safely secluded in the routine of classes, studying and social activities, I feel at a loss for how to find a new routine and schedule. Applying for jobs has been so overwhelming and discouraging to the point where I have struggled to hold onto the littlest bit of hope. Each day, I feel as though I am faced with the big question of, what am I going to do with my life? I've been putting so much pressure on myself to figure out my career move and to get my life together, that it has been spiraling me in just the opposite direction. 

With no feeling of control over finding a job, I have turned to the one thing that has been a crutch in the past: the eating disorder. And what has that left me with? More misery, discouragement, feelings of isolation, low motivation, hopelessness and frustration. Each time, I have engaged in behaviors, knowing all the while that this way of coping only adds to my emotional distress, yet the temporary numbing out and self-punishment acting as incentives to engage anyways. Once I have engaged in the binging and purging, I spiral downward into feelings of worthlessness, failure and scarily, even feelings of not wanting to live, at least not the life I am living now. 

So, what do I do then? I grasp onto the other tangible, controllable aspect I have to lean onto: exercise. Something that I have struggled to maintain a healthy relationship with has quickly manifested into a form of self-punishment and a means to give myself the sense of an illusory and temporary sense of control and compensation for the binging. Man oh man, is this cycle ever so exhausting. Each time I've made my way through the cycle: the restricting and controlling the food, obsessing over the calories and exercise, all fueled by the anxiety, rounding the corner into episodes of the bulimia, fueled by the depression and self-sabotaging intentions, I come out with even more resolve to end this cycle. 

I am fully aware of this cycle, am open about it to my family and friends, yet actually intervening and stopping this self-perpetuating cycle has been a challenge to say the least. I feel like all I have is this one thing, as miserable as it makes me. Yet, when I think of being free from it, letting it go and surrendering it, I feel as though I can do it, I can truly recover and boy do I want to. I am so tired of having to start over each day, yet I know that is all I can do. Do I wish I hadn't tailspun back into this mess? Of course. But I know berating myself does nothing but make me feel worse. 

All I can do is forgive myself, drawing upon the compassion and self-love I know I have within me. It is times like these when I need that grace the most, the willingness to forgive myself and let go of the judgment. So, here I am, pulling myself back up on my feet, giving myself any bit of grace and compassion I can muster, to let go of the harsh voice in my head telling me I have failed, that I am not worthy of this love. 

Yet, deep down I know I am. I know these feelings of worthlessness are nothing but lies, believable ones, but lies nonetheless. Vulnerable, exposed and imperfect to my inner critic's rigid standards, I stand with my head tall, dusting myself off, loving myself that much more for getting back up each time I slip, starting over and breathing into the moment, the opportunity to forgive myself and begin anew.