Starting this very sentence is a challenge for me right now. I'm sitting here, fingers hovering over the keyboard, debilitated by the words I have not yet put up on the screen. This is perfection at its finest...or in my opinion, worst. The inability to even begin a blog post or a paper, without thoroughly thinking through all possibilities toward reaching that ever-sought after state: perfection.
This word has been in my vocabulary all my life, a word pestering me at all times. Now I've always known...let's rephrase that: my ego has always been aware of this pest tampering around in my thoughts, pulling at my emotions. Being perfect is something my ego latched onto and would not let go of for the life of it. It has literally drained me of my happiness, my sense of peace, my very presence with each and every moment. It has become so embedded in the web of habitual thoughts of the subconscious.
This word has been in my vocabulary all my life, a word pestering me at all times. Now I've always known...let's rephrase that: my ego has always been aware of this pest tampering around in my thoughts, pulling at my emotions. Being perfect is something my ego latched onto and would not let go of for the life of it. It has literally drained me of my happiness, my sense of peace, my very presence with each and every moment. It has become so embedded in the web of habitual thoughts of the subconscious.
As I've slowly begun the process of rewiring my brain and detaching these thought patterns from one another, I find it harder and more challenging each day. After 20 years of forming these connections, my ego is putting up a fight. This is the state it has known: disappointment, discontentment, frustration, anxiety, and depression. Looking back on these "dark ages," I find myself saddened by the wasting away of so many years. I spent so much time in a state of unhappiness that I honestly didn’t know what happiness was like. Sure, I tasted it every once in a while, but the majority of my time was spent in this depressing state.
I've since realized that this happiness has always existed inside of me, though buried by the constant suppression of it. It was nothing I could go out and get from the world. I couldn’t get it from food, from relationships, from boys, or from success. I begun to realize that happiness, peace and contentment are states determined by my conscious choosing.
Gaining this newfound sense of control was both liberating and imprisoning though. Now let me explain. Up until the point of my "awakening" (as I like to call it), I had maneuvered through life pretty much in constant pity of my life as I knew it. I constantly succumbed to the "poor me" voice and "I'm not good enough" mantra. I lived heavily in the past or the future, but never in the present. Life was always, kind of a drag for me. I was living in an all-engulfing cloud that would only lift from time to time. I was sort of just getting by, not enjoying the life I have been given.
Then, a little over a year ago, I had had enough. I was done sinking further and further down into the hole of depression. I began to really delve into my spirituality and began to find out what this word meant for me. Since then, I have become aware of my true immortal nature. I know now that spiritually in its essence, means connecting with that part of you, the wise, all-knowing bit of God inside of you and reclaiming that as yours. We all have this inside of us and you can’t get it from anything in this ever-disappointing world. So, this was quite the change you see. I felt alive, with an energy I had never felt before. Had I finally reached the state of perfection I had been working toward my entire life? Not at all. All that has changed is my mindstate.
Since this time, I have grown so much spiritually and emotionally. Now, I don’t constantly feel like my inner peace, my feelings of contentment are ruled by passing thoughts or moods. This is not to say these thoughts, specifically perfection, never surface, because they do…daily. I’m just learning to deal with it and accept this feeling of perfection a little better each day. None of this has been easy; in fact it’s been the most challenging year of my life. I’d like to think it’s because I’m finally growing and learning about myself but sometimes it feels like I’m still stuck in the old habitual patterns of my mind.
Back then, I was too skinny, too flat-chested, too quiet, too insecure. Now I'm too big, too curvy, too greedy, too expressive. Notice the difference? It's called wanting what I don't have. It's also called the misbelief that the grass is always greener on the other side. Whichever way you look at it, I have for the majority of my life been in a state of discontentment. Always wanting less or more, bigger or smaller, better or worse. In other words, a state of imbalance, as I like to refer to it now.
Balance is a tricky thing though...it means balancing my desire for perfection with my feelings of inadequacy. It means giving up the attachment to either side of the spectrum. Neither digging into the past, nor reaching for the future. It means existing in the now, in the state of imperfection, accepting the imperfections of myself, of others and of the world in which we live in.
The “imprisoning” part of my awakening (sounds ironic right?) has been the awareness and desire to be all that I truly was made to be, thus fueling my perfectionist standards. I now want to be more aware, more insightful, more “awakened”. I want to be a better meditator, a better person, kinder, less greedy, less attached. I feel this strong urge to help people, which isn’t a bad thing, but my perfectionism takes it to a different level. I want to in blatant terms, change people, awaken them to their true nature, as well as awaken them to the reality of this world. I want people to know and believe what I believe, but that’s just the perfectionist in me talking.
What “I”, the real I, in me really wants, is to see this massive change in humanity, that begins with me and with you. I see all these horrible things happening in our world: control, power, greed, and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that as of right now, our world is in a massive state of imperfection.
But how can I expect perfection from myself or from others when we’re living in an imperfect world? Maybe it's about just doing the best we can with what we have. Maybe it’s about accepting in ourselves those feelings of inadequacy and translating that to acceptance of the imperfect state we live in. I think it’s about becoming aware of our imperfections, both in ourselves and in the world outside of us, and accepting them, not trying to control them. For once, I can finally say that I am good enough just the way I am, and that in and of itself is something.
