Thoughts race through my head…the usual nonsensical banter, anxieties and fears. Intermittently, a clear, conscious thought bubbles up to the surface, free from the habitual, unconscious wirings of the mind. I begin this stream of words now from this very thought, attempting to elaborate on this conscious-inspired topic. Presence……the gift of being here NOW, in the presence of the Self, uninhibited by the ego's attachments and aversions.Presence is the space you hold for your Self, dictated by your present state, thoughts, feelings and actions. Your presence has the potential to ripple out to those around you, but the choice of the energetic effect it has on others is entirely up to you. To show up is the greatest gift we can give to those around us, for our presence invites others to bring their own presence, real and authentic, rooted deep down in the Self.
So here I AM, playing with the supreme act of showing up, fully, authentically, for no other moment than the one before me, the moment to contrive a stream of words together. But, to say I exhibit this presence in question is a huge stretch. I spend the majority of my time trapped in the constant fluctuations of the mind, sucked into the grip of the illusory fears. Anxiety is where I spend the greater part of my existence, a sometimes debilitating feeling that holds my breath at bay, sometimes out of my own awareness. But, the fear in question is contrived from a distorted perception of time, the mind merely projecting past events into the unknown future, as it creates a story, a drama it's convinced will pan out. So, more and more energy is sent out to build upon this illusory and contrived story….the "I'm not good enough" story. And, the more time we spend delving our energy into this story, the more "real" it becomes.
It's if and when we slow down enough to bring these unconscious beliefs and thoughts to conscious awareness, then and only then can we begin to break down the story, ultimately discovering the root is nothing but a lie, a lie someone told us long ago that we took on as truth, our truth. For me, it's been the same old story of "I'm not good enough." As I've delved deeper and deeper into this underworld, the falsity of this belief slowly becomes more and more apparent. My mind begins to see this, understand it, analyze it, pick it apart. Yet, my heart still feels the pain, the unworthiness, the rejection.
So, continues the disconnect between mind and heart, the mind knowing what the heart has yet to fully feel. I continue to act upon this belief, fixating my energy and attention on my body, attempting to control it, shape it, hold it perfectly steady in the form, obsessively dreading the impending chaos that will ensue if and when my body falters in my mind's perfect lens. What a constricting world to live in, one bent on perfection, rigidness and control. But, this is where my energy has gone for so long, the outlet for which I direct the anxiety and fear. It's an avoidance technique I've "mastered," the ability to avoid or numb out unwanted emotion by redirecting my focus on something tangible, concrete, malleable.
So I continue running, faster and faster, away from my Self, away from the thoughts, the fears, the feelings. Round and round I go, off into the next "fix," the food, the exercise, the fixation on a desired romantic partner, the very act of these things signifying the faulty belief in these temporary things giving me long-lasting pleasure. But, as I've began "unlearning" in my yoga teacher training program…pleasure is not true pleasure when it comes from the fluctuations of the mind. We think pleasure comes from fulfilling a desire but if this particular desire is not fulfilled, our world crumbles. We hang on the precipice of this need being met, a need ultimately no one and no thing can fulfill.
Maybe we all feel this, but perhaps few can name this yearning, this longing to be whole. And, the ironic thing is, we are already whole and complete, right here, right now. It is purely the polarities of the mind, the wanting, the needing for one thing and not another that convince us otherwise. We want a particular body, a size, a shape….maybe a relationship, more money, a better job…but it's never enough. I've been my "desired" weight and size and sure, temporarily, I ride the high of this self confidence for a little while but ultimately the feeling leaves me wanting more, a constant striving for a better high, an endless race chasing after my next fix. All the meanwhile, etching into my heart and soul the reaffirmation of my worth being dictated upon my physical form.
My presence remains fixated on this physical form. And, the only time I'm truly able to root down into my Self, my real, authentic being, is when I'm breathing, consciously. Most often, this happens when I practice asana (yoga), but it is a tricky thing indeed when this practice has the potential to be yet another method to "perfecting" the physical form. Yet, the breath remains my anchor, though I don't always consciously breath. Even now, I recognize the shallowness of my breath, going only so far as to the base of my throat, the type of breathing I exist in daily, characteristic of the "fight or flight" mentality.
It takes conscious effort and awareness to draw my breath deeper, into my belly. And, as simple as it sounds, this breath grounds me, roots me down into my Self, and back into my presence. It is through the breath that I am able to bridge the gap between mind and body, finding my way back to consciousness, into the heart space. When I exist from this space, my presence takes shape. I become the observer, the witness in the drama of my own life. But, to take this seat is to do so with unattached, nonjudgemental awareness, compassion and spaciousness...no easy task for most of us.
With this awareness, there's a choice….to numb back out into the drug of choice or to continue to bridge this connection with the Self through the breath, choosing to be seen, real and authentic, in all its vulnerability. Rooting down into this Presence, we grow and flourish, inviting others to do the same, to take the seat of the Self, to move beyond the veils we hide behind, to reconnect to our roots in steadfast, loving devotion. So let this be our chosen state of Presence, time and time again, the conscious choice to return to our natural state, to Be Here NOW, in all its presence, wholeness and pulsating connection to all beings. And, let it be so.
