Coming Up For Air

A couple weeks ago, I did something I had resisted for quite some time. Even now, speaking the words to someone outside my immediate family or close friends, I feel this resistance come up yet again. After months of struggling with the depression and anxiety, with brief pockets of finding stable footing only to be sucked back into the downward spiral, I knew I had to do something.

As someone who doesn't like the idea of having to rely upon pharmaceutical drugs to cope, I didn't even consider it an option. I had been on an antidepressant before, a couple years back, and hated the zombie-endused effect it had on me. It made me feel numb, distant and detached from life around me. Abiding by my therapist's recommendations, I continued with the medication until one day, something snapped and I decided I would be better off without them. And, turns out, I was.

But, now, years later, I felt the cloud yet again, hovering above me, threatening to stay indefinitely. I felt as though each thought stirred up a wave of anxiety, washing over me and sweeping me up in its tantalizing grip. I felt distant, detached and unable to remain present and in the moment of day to day life.

Since being on the antidepressant and anti anxiety medication, I've felt well, pretty much the same. Initially, I felt euphoric, with a huge dose of energy and motivation surging through me, like I could breathe again. Feeling like I had come up for air, I was ecstatic about how quickly things felts different, yet, in the back of my mind, I prepared myself for this temporary state to pass. Though momentarily the cloud had dispersed, it only returned soon after, accompanied by the same anxious thoughts.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that my body is still adjusting to the medication and it will take some time to feel the full effect. But, considering I haven't been all gun-ho for medication in the first place, I'm beginning to wonder if this really is the necessary boost I need. I want so badly to feel like me again, inspired and recharged with the life I know is there, hidden underneath the fog. I feel like a fraud, knowing that my motto of living for today, is nothing but an imprint on my body.

I feel like sometimes I am able to come up for air, take in a deep breath of the beauty and blessings that surround me. But, this breather does not last as I am soon swept back into the anxiety or depression. And, the biggest thing I am afraid of, is regret. Regretting all this wasted time spent immobile, not living up the years that are meant to be taken advantage of, not relishing in the adventures I could be having. I don't want to regret the things I didn't do because I was too afraid or too depressed. So, maybe I can use this as my motivation to start living out my life motto.

I find myself wishing desperately to be back into the head space I was in for the majority of my time in New Zealand, momentarily free from the demons that plague my mind and heart. I know it wasn't the place that made me feel such freedom and exhilaration, but it did help to be transported to a completely different environment, away from the routine and comforts of my life. Now, that I've been back in the routine of living back home, I feel myself sinking into it, attaching myself to the comfortability of the security.

The thought of being stripped away from these routines, mainly the exercise regime, safe foods and security of living at home, frightens me. But, why? I found myself today really trying to question this pervasive fear, brought up by the majority of my thoughts. I tried to question these fears and break down their scary demeanor. Because, when I did so, the fear, whatever it was, seemed frankly rather silly and mundane. And, let's be honest, most of my fears are. But they disguise themselves as huge, frightening creatures waiting to strike.

So, maybe that is what I need to keep doing. Instead of going into automatic panic zone when certain thoughts arise, maybe I need to break these fears down and question them. Though, I know the analyzer in me will love this and probably take the questioning part too far. So, perhaps once I've broken down the fearful thought, if the fear doesn't diminish, then that's where the accepting observer comes into play, to simply accept the thought and let it be. Well, here goes nothing.

Finding My Way Back

After weeks of procrastination and delaying the words I have yet to place on this screen, I have finally brought myself to this moment. It's funny how something so seemingly daunting can easily be taken on when the delaying has ceased to have its say. I can't always say why it takes so long in between posts to utter the words rolling around in my head, pestering to give them air to breathe.

If I had to guess, the lack of motivation, is probably the single biggest perpetrator. Feeling withdrawn, wallowing in my own muck, I find it easy to find the off switch to the outside world, building up the walls of isolation around me. The ups and downs, never ceasing to give me whiplash, have persisted as I go about the day to day routine. Some moments, I'm able to breathe and allow these passing moods to be just that. At other times, the moods reel me in, wrapping me up in their tight embrace.

The feelings consist of depression over my perceived lack of purpose and meaning, having little to no direction as to where I am heading or working toward, the anxiety over what I "should" be doing and the discrepancy between that and what I am doing (or not doing for that matter), the guilt over not being an enjoyable presence to be around with my family and making them put up with these passing moods, the shame and frustration over not being able to severe the ties with the eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and the list goes on. 

Sometimes, I think I have more control over these various moods and can simply choose to feel a different way, be more positive and optimistic but other times, it feels like these feelings reign over me and my behavior. I feel like I am constantly bombarded by these strong thoughts, feelings and urges and to fight, struggle and try to suppress them or get rid of them does nothing but make them come back even stronger the next time round. So, I try to simply accept them for what they are, temporary thoughts and feelings that will and do pass if I let them. 

But, I think my ego and analytical mind gets the best of me and I begin to dig even deeper into the whys and hows: why do I feel this way? How come I can't snap out of this funk? What is wrong with me? Am I defected? Then there's the guilt over feeling depressed or feeling anxious and thinking I really am defected, which leads to reaffirm the deep-seeded belief and corroborate the "I'm not good enough" and "I'm unworthy" affirmation. Yes, I know where this belief came from way back when my peers didn't accept me for the shy, introverted person I was but how can I move past this belief and stop it from ruling my life? When the urges to binge have come up these past couple of weeks, this belief seems to be the culprit, the self-sabotaging desire to punish myself and reaffirm this lack of self worth. 

Yet, all the while, a part of me remains, call it the true Self, the part that knows all of this is merely a drama staged by the ego, who's too wrapped up in the physical, mental and emotional world to be concerned with the intangible. The Self sees straight through the lies, the deception. Yet, finding my way back and listening to this voice is not always the easiest. I know it's there, and it always has been, patiently waiting for me to come back to it, to find the path beneath my feet, out of my head and into my heart. To refocus my attention on the love and blessings all around me, the simplicity of living and letting go, shedding the layers of the ego's drama-driven facade. 

To stake my claim on my own journey, my own path in this world, letting go of the need to compare and size up my success or perceived lack of to friends or co-workers, and realize that this path is my own, and theirs their own. To get caught up in the game of who is doing more, achieving more, is to only play into the ego's drama and reaffirm the belief of not being enough. The Self knows I am more than enough, just as I am, here and now. It knows its path, its journey, and needs not to look toward the path of someone else to belittle my worth. The Self knows how to bring me back into this heart center, the space where the physical, mental and emotional realms bear no weight. Returning to the path of love and trust, I meander my way back into this space time and time again, refusing to give up.