A Shift of Focus

Writing has always been my lifeline, my go to. It is a way to express the words I can't always utter without the aid of a pen, paper or a keyboard. Yet, the words don't always flow easily, especially lately. I feel this longing to free up the space cluttered in my head by minuscule worries and anxieties, fears and doubts, sadness and longing. But, something has prevented me from relinquishing these words and loosening their grip on me.

As I continue to find my way in this limbo time, feeling continually lost and confused as a I search for any sign of where to steer my path, I keep coming up empty handed. Doing my internship and working has not shed any more light on what it is I want to do, though I am beginning to get a clearer picture of what it is I don't want to do. It has been a struggle bringing a positive, eager and appreciative attitude to these opportunities, and I know the deemed shortcomings result from my outlook on both.

I keep hoping each day, the light switch will go on and my life will begin. I keep wishing that this switch will turn off the eating disordered thoughts and snap me out of this. I haven't had a slip up in a couple of weeks now, yet the desire to engage in behaviors is still present. I keep wondering when this will get any easier. The desire and will to overcome this and finally move on with my life keeps surfacing, each time a little bit stronger. Though I haven't engaged in behaviors, my mindlessness around mealtime is still a struggle, and I find myself distracted by feelings of guilt and obsessive thoughts over caloric intake. And before I know it, I've finished eating and I haven't even been able to enjoy the taste of the food I've just consumed.

The calorie counting has recently intensified, and for some reason my mind has latched onto this means to further control and obsess about the food and exercise. Though I know logically calories are such a horrible gage of nutritional value, I can't seem to quite shake this obsessive compulsive tendency to count and recount calories eaten and calories burned. Nearly to the point of being driven mad by such obtrusive thoughts, I came to my wit's end and set up and appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. But, fifteen minutes into the session, I came to the realization (hopefully not stemming from my pride) that I've been through this, so many times, the talking, the sorting through the thoughts, the feelings and yet, the thoughts and behaviors keep coming back. So, maybe therapy isn't serving me anymore.

So, I set up an appointment with a nutritionist next week in hopes that she will have some clearer insight into how to break this nasty habit of calorie counting and let go of these disordered thoughts around food. I know it won't "fix" the problem but maybe it will help redirect the focus toward forming a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I know it's possible and I have all the desire in the world to get to that healthy balance point.

Though my focus has been clouded over by these intensified thoughts, I know that this anxiety around food and weight are merely a means to distract me from the bigger, much scarier underlying fears. The fear around what the future holds, what job I want to pursue, of failure, of incompetence. These intangible, seemingly out of my control fears seem so overwhelming that I think I use the food to focus on something that I can tangibly control.

Anxiety is such a tricky thing, as is the fear that underlies it. The fear really does come from a lack of being present in the moment, worrying about the past or the future. It's such a fine line between glancing back into the past, learning from it but not getting stuck and wrapped up in the shame, the guilt and the regret over what could have been. Or, looking toward the future, fearful of the unknown, the hidden path, and before you know it, another day has passed by.

I keep getting the feeling that my life is passing me by, while I sit, inactive, detached, simply allowing things to continue as they are. And, instead of taking this as a sign to become more engaged, I find myself getting defeated and even more complacent about actively pursuing the life I want to be living. Yet, I know each day offers the opportunity to enjoy whatever it is the day brings and that is where a shift in focus is needed. To shift my focus on the gift each day brings, instead of feeling weighed down by the "shoulds" and the disparity between what I could and want to be doing and what I am doing.

I keep coming back to the "live for today" mantra I have always sought to live by. Maybe it will continue to take a shift in perspective each time I get lost in the ramblings of my mind, away from the guilt, the regret over the past, away from the worry about the future, the obsessive thoughts. To come back to each moment, alive and invigorated by the chance to change my focus and come back to the present. Feeling my fingers slide over the keyboard steadily slowing, my eyelids weighing heavier each passing moment, I give gratitude for my writing, for this time to let the words flow, freeing up the space and allowing myself to let go and surrender to the moment.

Keeping the Faith

My day began, feeling a big more optimistic than I have. As I headed to my internship at a local alternative news publication, I tried to keep this mentality, despite waiting for nearly two hours to start doing any work. I have been switched over from my role as digital media intern to editorial intern, which is what I was interested in doing from the start. Yet, changing roles, has left me with a feeling of not knowing where I belong. I feel like this has been a constant theme these past couple of weeks, existing aimlessly and without a sense of purpose. I feel like I am merely going through the motions of life, doing this internship and starting my job at a retail store, not really sure as to why I am doing either or what the long-term benefits will be.

Not knowing what I am working toward or what it is I want to do, I am finding it very difficult to trust in the unknown of why I am still in this awkward, often times depressing transitionary phase of my life. I keep wondering when this will get any easier, when I will begin to get a stronger sense of clarity as to what the next step is. And the ups and downs are exhausting, feeling as though I have yet to find that stable balance point, between feeling really good one second and really low the next. I wish I could maintain more of an optimistic, grateful and trusting attitude in this phase in my life, but the overwhelming sense of unknown in what my future holds consumes me. 

When I am existing in the place of gratitude, for my family and their unrelenting support, I find it easier to let go of this pressure I've put on myself to figure things out. Yet, I feel a sense of shame and guilt in my inability to be independent and stand on my own two feet. I get wrapped up in the comparison game of what other people my age are doing and when I focus on those who appear to have their life more put together, I think to myself why can't I have that or be at a more stable point. Yet, I know comparing myself to others only detracts from my acceptance of where I am in my own life, something I am still struggling to come to terms with. I wish I could trust that things will work out, that I will find my place in this world, that I will find and reclaim my inner passion. I get a taste of this periodically, yet it seems that the littlest setback sends my emotions spiraling downward yet again.

Yesterday, I entered into that state of overwhelming depression, accompanied by the intense urge to binge. Though I did engage in some emotional eating, I found myself stopping, driven to do so by something stronger than the eating disorder. Though I know this was a triumph to not give in to the eating disorder, it's hard not to think that it's only a matter of time before this urge comes up again, and maybe this time I won't be as strong. It feels like a monster looming in the dark, just waiting for the inopportune moment to strike. I want so badly to overcome this, yet I feel like the littlest thing these days tips me over and knocks me down, making it harder and harder to pull myself back up each time. I am desperately trying to keep the faith and believe that I will get through this and I really do believe that, but the feelings of discouragement sneak up time and time again. 

Remaining positive through this phase in my life is all that I can try to focus my intention on, no matter how many times I slip back into the negative thinking or how tough it is to switch my outlook. As I shift my perception on this confusing time in my life, part of me sees it as a huge opportunity to learn, let go and trust that everything does and will work out. In less than a week, we are moving into our new home, the house we have rebuilt on the same plot of land where our house burned down in the Waldo fire last summer.

Another huge change and transition, moving back to where we used to live, seems so bizarre, exciting and a bit overwhelming. I can't even wrap my head around how it is going to feel living back there, in a completely different house. Another lesson in the concept of impermanence, the notion that the only thing that is constant is change and boy has that been ringing true this past year. This year, though I may not have consciously admitted how tough it has been to deal with these changes, has challenged me on all levels and I am still left wondering why.

It has taken all my strength to shift my focus and surrender to the deepest part of me that does trust this process, though it has been bumpy, challenging and a true test of how unsettling change still is for me. Yet I know that it is a feat each moment I shift toward the positive and focus on all that I am blessed with, the opportunity to work on myself during this transitionary period in order to work toward what I am really passionate about which is helping others. I know that each moment presents me with the chance to shift my thinking, to loosen the grip on the eating disordered thinking, to trust that everything will work out and to keep the faith that I will get through this and be stronger for it.