The present moment seems ever elusive at times. Here I am, a blank screen away from a completed blog post, and I find myself drifting away into the stream of consciousness that is the mind. The phone goes off and it's another email, another "to-do." The accompanying anxious feeling threatens to transport me into the unknown, yet obsessively "controlled" time that is the future. This is the curse: the fear of letting go and immersing oneself into the moment, in all its complexity and fullness.
The breath returns, deeper this time, as I consciously focus my attention on the deepening inhale with the releasing exhale. Meditation in motion, I like to call it. These days, I can't seem to coax myself onto the cushion, into the seat of the witness. The yearning is there, for the connection, back to my Self. But, the mind convinces me otherwise, that there is not enough time, that other things demand more of my attention. So, I sit here now, not on my cushion but in a chair, in front of this daunting blank screen attempting to formulate some coherent theme to summarize the arising thoughts.
Showing up, present and conscious, is the subject in question. These past couple of weeks, I've found myself shifting if ever so slightly toward this conscious awareness in every day interactions and existence. Though my outwardly actions may not have changed- namely the exercise addiction and food and body obsession, I have noticed an increased awareness of when I am engaging in these thought patterns and behaviors. But, my tendency to berate and self-criticize my deemed shortcomings ultimately arises, taking the space where self-compassion could be.
I'm coming to the realization that the eating disorder, anxiety and depression are all seeking the same thing. They may transpire in various forms but I think it all boils down to something much deeper, rooted in the essence of who I am: a soul longing to grow, love and connect. The thoughts revolving around the eating, the anxiety or the loneliness simply cover up this deeper desire.
The habitual thoughts keep me stuck in the illusion that these things that I'm "working toward" will fix the underlying condition. That a perfectly fit body, a calm mind, a romantic partner will lessen the aching I feel inside. So, round and round I go, falling back into the thought and behavioral patterns, cycling again and again. This is my suffering. I am striving for something outside of myself, and winding up empty handed.
And, all this does, is simply reinforce the belief that something is wrong with where I am at at this given point in time. That something is missing or disjointed. That I am missing some key ingredient that everyone else has. But, the truth is what I'm looking for is a connection to my Self. And, I truly believe that's what most of us are seeking. Starting this 6-month-long yoga teacher training a couple of weeks ago has made this, among many other things, very clear.
For three solid days, I was immersed into yoga, the embodiment of conscious presence with extraordinarily vulnerable, authentic and real yogis. My satsang, my spiritual community, a source of connection, and the space to shine a light on our true Selves. Tears were shed, hearts were cracked open and there was no turning back. For the next six months, this is my yoga, my opportunity to Show up, fully and completely, vulnerable and naked.
For so long, I've felt this yearning, this aching in my heart for connection, authentic and real. This aching deep within my being longs for love. It desires so much more than I have been feeding it. My heart aches to be held, nurtured, comforted. It's easy in these moments of loneliness and longing to look outward to temporarily soothe the aching within. But, this is not sustainable and the feeling remains, urging me to hear its call and recognize the root of its desire.
If only I become conscious of it, dropping time and time again back into the space to allow its voice to be heard. Then, and only then will I find my Self, the conscious connection back to my heart, into the spaces where healing can manifest, into the presence of all that is is perfect, here and now. This is my Truth, waiting to be found, as I shed the layers to find the light. This is my yoga, uniting body and mind, heart and spirit, past and present...conscious connection illuminating the path before me.
