Fingers hovering over the keyboard, I routinely wait for that one inspirational thought to appear. My fingers begin to press the buttons, slowly and deliberately, attempting to trust the words that appear on the screen before me.
As I sit here, my mind searching for the perfect words, the perfect combination to lure the reader in, I stop and take a deep breath: in and out. The music in the background, the soothing melody of the guitar, draws me into the present moment.
This simple notion of trust is pulling at me, urging me to qualify its meaning. The idea of trust has been coming up more and more, drawing me into its simplicity. I'm growing aware that in order to trust fully and completely, we must let go of the control, loosening the noose around our functional, orderly lives. In letting go, trusting in the process, the direction life is taking you, you cease to linger in the obsessive, worry-ridden thoughts.
These anxious thoughts and feelings are simply the mind's way of preoccupying itself. The unconscious mind only knows to do, and to do more. The conscious, active, thriving yet trusting mind only knows contentment with the now.
To live in the now, consciously and vivaciously, I'm discovering that I must explore further this difference between unconscious and conscious. The difference exists in the ability to remain present with oneself and one's surroundings or the inability to prevent getting swept into the meanderings of the mind.
When I become aware that I am lost in the ramblings of my mind, I take a deep breath, grounding myself back into the present. As of recently, I have struggled to concentrate in class, in a conversation, or in the present moment because I am so consumed by my own fearful and anxious thoughts. These thoughts revolve around yet still, the food, the control, the perfection. They give way to worry over the future or nostalgia and regret for the past. I over-analyze certain scenarios of the past, obsesssing and dwelling on the outcomes. I look to the future in fear, unsure of where my life is headed.
This fear keeps coming to the surface. It is the fear and worry of what is to come. Where will this next chapter in my life post-graduation take me? Unsure of what my path is, I come to a startling conclusion. Yet, this conclusion is not something I didn't know, deep down. It is not the lack of opportunities I am afraid of, but the truly limitless list of what I can do after I graduate.
Deep down, there is a growing part of me that fully and completely trusts the path that is unfolding beneath my feet. This part of me knows that I will find a job doing what I love, that I will get over the eating disorder once and for all, that I will one day completely love and accept myself, that I will share my own love with a loving and beautiful hearted partner. In becoming aware of this part of me that does fully trust God and the universe, I come back to the present.
I let go of the fear, worry, and obsessing. I relinquish in the path that life has me on, trusting each moment, each obstacle. I trust that I am doing the best I can. I let go of the need to control and release myself from the ego's trap of what is "best" for me. By listening, consciously and intuitively to my heart, I'm growing aware that God has an even better plan for my life, bigger and more spectacular than anything I could ever conceive of.
