"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole."
-Carl Jung
Fear, anxiety, depression, shame, despair, imperfection, dishonesty. These are the negative thoughts and feelings that have been creeping up into my conscious awareness, threatening to rear their ugly heads.
This is my shadow, the parts of me that I have tried time and time again to run away from. But it seems that the further I run, the more intense they appear, screaming at me to pay them mind. Each time I try to ignore their presence or don't fully allow the unwelcome feeling, I wind up in a state of inauthenticity. I have been feeling fearful, moreso than usual, trying to control the food and exercise and obsessing about the seemingly minute details of day to day living. But is it really about the food or exercise? Or is it about the fear of losing control that I am afraid of?
I know I am afraid to trust my body, to surrender to its innate knowingness because for so long I've replaced these hungry and fullness cues with the rigid food rules. I am so afraid of letting go of these rules, though I know they are not serving me, my health or my overall well-being and happiness. But they are what I know. They are the habitual thoughts I am used to. To think and act otherwise and to give up that control still seems so foreign to me.
I logically know that my relationship with food is still warped, and somewhere along the line my mind took over the reins of telling my body what it did and did not need. A disconnect was formed and since then, I have ironically been using the thoughts to bridge that divide though, I know it is my body I remain disconnected from. My relationship with food, exercise and my body has typically revolved around fear and control. I know this through years of therapy and introspection, but mostly through the times when I am so wrapped up in the eating disorder, whether in the restrictive mindset or in the binge mentality. To recognize and be aware of this vicious cycle is one thing, but to change it is something completely different.
I'd like to say that I have shifted into more of a state of love, compassion and trust, especially toward myself. And I know I've felt these states of being more than I ever have before in my life, but my shadow pulls me back into its tight grip time and time again. Maybe this is the duality I've heard about...you can't know the light without knowing the darkness. To be in a state of light and love is our soul's natural state of being, but we are human aren't we? I think I've come to find it really isn't about getting rid of the bad, shameful or immoral qualities. Maybe it really is about just coming to a state of awareness and acceptance of these parts of us, our shadow, and being vulnerable to these parts.
My shadow is the eating disorder, driven by the fear that permeates into my day to day life. We all have things we are afraid of. For me, it's losing the control over food and exercise and letting go of these habits. Though they do not serve me, they are what I know. Letting go means to immerse myself in the unknown, praying and trusting myself fully and completely. For so long, I've been afraid....of failure, of not being good enough, of imperfection. And what has this fear brought me? A state of dis-ease and constant struggle against these fearful thoughts and beliefs. At a young vulnerable age, I learned how to deal with these fearful thoughts....of not being accepted for who I was, of not being good enough.....by turning to food. The food temporarily gave me control over something, though the dark, lonely side of the eating disorder soon casted out the comfort it gave me.
When I think of fear, the "fight or flight" mentality comes to mind. For me, flight is my go to. When fear arises, or when things seem too overwhelming or unmanageable, I run as fast as my feet will carry me, usually into the arms of the eating disorder, whether through the restricting, the binging or the overexercising. I choose avoidance at whatever cost, usually the cost of my peace of mind and sanity. I know that the times when I have faced my fears....going abroad, putting myself out there, talking to a stranger, doing things out of the "routine".... have been exhilarating moments. But then the moment passes and I am back to living in the bubble of fear I am used to.
I am so exhausted and tired of living in this fear and living in this world dictated by food and exercise. What kind of life is that really? I need to let this go once and for all and to really start living out the life I know I was meant to live, loving myself unconditionally, no matter how "good" I ate or how much I exercised that day, accepting those times when I'm feeling fearful, depressed or lonely. Running away from these feelings is not the answer, but to keep fighting the fear is exhausting nonetheless.
I know I need to let go and surrender the struggle. I need to let go of the eating disorder and the fear and move forward into the unknown. For in the unknown, I know I will find the life I've wanted to live, free of the negativity and fear that has kept me stuck. Letting go and surrendering to what may come is scary for me but to live in such a bubble of fear and comfortable discomfort is stifling my spirit. When I think about surrendering and trusting in what is to come, my spirit is elated, almost jumping in glee at the thought of taking over the reins from my fear-driven ego. My spirit, my soul is dying to be set free from this negativity and shadow of fear.
So today, I consciously choose to love myself unconditionally on this journey of healing my inner wounds, recovering from the eating disorder and letting go of the burden of fear. Moving forward into the darkness, I shine my light on the shadow of fear, letting go of all that binds me, surrendering to the imperfect perfection of each moment, loving myself and freeing myself from the darkness of my shadow.
When I think of fear, the "fight or flight" mentality comes to mind. For me, flight is my go to. When fear arises, or when things seem too overwhelming or unmanageable, I run as fast as my feet will carry me, usually into the arms of the eating disorder, whether through the restricting, the binging or the overexercising. I choose avoidance at whatever cost, usually the cost of my peace of mind and sanity. I know that the times when I have faced my fears....going abroad, putting myself out there, talking to a stranger, doing things out of the "routine".... have been exhilarating moments. But then the moment passes and I am back to living in the bubble of fear I am used to.
I am so exhausted and tired of living in this fear and living in this world dictated by food and exercise. What kind of life is that really? I need to let this go once and for all and to really start living out the life I know I was meant to live, loving myself unconditionally, no matter how "good" I ate or how much I exercised that day, accepting those times when I'm feeling fearful, depressed or lonely. Running away from these feelings is not the answer, but to keep fighting the fear is exhausting nonetheless.
I know I need to let go and surrender the struggle. I need to let go of the eating disorder and the fear and move forward into the unknown. For in the unknown, I know I will find the life I've wanted to live, free of the negativity and fear that has kept me stuck. Letting go and surrendering to what may come is scary for me but to live in such a bubble of fear and comfortable discomfort is stifling my spirit. When I think about surrendering and trusting in what is to come, my spirit is elated, almost jumping in glee at the thought of taking over the reins from my fear-driven ego. My spirit, my soul is dying to be set free from this negativity and shadow of fear.
So today, I consciously choose to love myself unconditionally on this journey of healing my inner wounds, recovering from the eating disorder and letting go of the burden of fear. Moving forward into the darkness, I shine my light on the shadow of fear, letting go of all that binds me, surrendering to the imperfect perfection of each moment, loving myself and freeing myself from the darkness of my shadow.
