A Shift of Focus

Writing has always been my lifeline, my go to. It is a way to express the words I can't always utter without the aid of a pen, paper or a keyboard. Yet, the words don't always flow easily, especially lately. I feel this longing to free up the space cluttered in my head by minuscule worries and anxieties, fears and doubts, sadness and longing. But, something has prevented me from relinquishing these words and loosening their grip on me.

As I continue to find my way in this limbo time, feeling continually lost and confused as a I search for any sign of where to steer my path, I keep coming up empty handed. Doing my internship and working has not shed any more light on what it is I want to do, though I am beginning to get a clearer picture of what it is I don't want to do. It has been a struggle bringing a positive, eager and appreciative attitude to these opportunities, and I know the deemed shortcomings result from my outlook on both.

I keep hoping each day, the light switch will go on and my life will begin. I keep wishing that this switch will turn off the eating disordered thoughts and snap me out of this. I haven't had a slip up in a couple of weeks now, yet the desire to engage in behaviors is still present. I keep wondering when this will get any easier. The desire and will to overcome this and finally move on with my life keeps surfacing, each time a little bit stronger. Though I haven't engaged in behaviors, my mindlessness around mealtime is still a struggle, and I find myself distracted by feelings of guilt and obsessive thoughts over caloric intake. And before I know it, I've finished eating and I haven't even been able to enjoy the taste of the food I've just consumed.

The calorie counting has recently intensified, and for some reason my mind has latched onto this means to further control and obsess about the food and exercise. Though I know logically calories are such a horrible gage of nutritional value, I can't seem to quite shake this obsessive compulsive tendency to count and recount calories eaten and calories burned. Nearly to the point of being driven mad by such obtrusive thoughts, I came to my wit's end and set up and appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. But, fifteen minutes into the session, I came to the realization (hopefully not stemming from my pride) that I've been through this, so many times, the talking, the sorting through the thoughts, the feelings and yet, the thoughts and behaviors keep coming back. So, maybe therapy isn't serving me anymore.

So, I set up an appointment with a nutritionist next week in hopes that she will have some clearer insight into how to break this nasty habit of calorie counting and let go of these disordered thoughts around food. I know it won't "fix" the problem but maybe it will help redirect the focus toward forming a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I know it's possible and I have all the desire in the world to get to that healthy balance point.

Though my focus has been clouded over by these intensified thoughts, I know that this anxiety around food and weight are merely a means to distract me from the bigger, much scarier underlying fears. The fear around what the future holds, what job I want to pursue, of failure, of incompetence. These intangible, seemingly out of my control fears seem so overwhelming that I think I use the food to focus on something that I can tangibly control.

Anxiety is such a tricky thing, as is the fear that underlies it. The fear really does come from a lack of being present in the moment, worrying about the past or the future. It's such a fine line between glancing back into the past, learning from it but not getting stuck and wrapped up in the shame, the guilt and the regret over what could have been. Or, looking toward the future, fearful of the unknown, the hidden path, and before you know it, another day has passed by.

I keep getting the feeling that my life is passing me by, while I sit, inactive, detached, simply allowing things to continue as they are. And, instead of taking this as a sign to become more engaged, I find myself getting defeated and even more complacent about actively pursuing the life I want to be living. Yet, I know each day offers the opportunity to enjoy whatever it is the day brings and that is where a shift in focus is needed. To shift my focus on the gift each day brings, instead of feeling weighed down by the "shoulds" and the disparity between what I could and want to be doing and what I am doing.

I keep coming back to the "live for today" mantra I have always sought to live by. Maybe it will continue to take a shift in perspective each time I get lost in the ramblings of my mind, away from the guilt, the regret over the past, away from the worry about the future, the obsessive thoughts. To come back to each moment, alive and invigorated by the chance to change my focus and come back to the present. Feeling my fingers slide over the keyboard steadily slowing, my eyelids weighing heavier each passing moment, I give gratitude for my writing, for this time to let the words flow, freeing up the space and allowing myself to let go and surrender to the moment.

Keeping the Faith

My day began, feeling a big more optimistic than I have. As I headed to my internship at a local alternative news publication, I tried to keep this mentality, despite waiting for nearly two hours to start doing any work. I have been switched over from my role as digital media intern to editorial intern, which is what I was interested in doing from the start. Yet, changing roles, has left me with a feeling of not knowing where I belong. I feel like this has been a constant theme these past couple of weeks, existing aimlessly and without a sense of purpose. I feel like I am merely going through the motions of life, doing this internship and starting my job at a retail store, not really sure as to why I am doing either or what the long-term benefits will be.

Not knowing what I am working toward or what it is I want to do, I am finding it very difficult to trust in the unknown of why I am still in this awkward, often times depressing transitionary phase of my life. I keep wondering when this will get any easier, when I will begin to get a stronger sense of clarity as to what the next step is. And the ups and downs are exhausting, feeling as though I have yet to find that stable balance point, between feeling really good one second and really low the next. I wish I could maintain more of an optimistic, grateful and trusting attitude in this phase in my life, but the overwhelming sense of unknown in what my future holds consumes me. 

When I am existing in the place of gratitude, for my family and their unrelenting support, I find it easier to let go of this pressure I've put on myself to figure things out. Yet, I feel a sense of shame and guilt in my inability to be independent and stand on my own two feet. I get wrapped up in the comparison game of what other people my age are doing and when I focus on those who appear to have their life more put together, I think to myself why can't I have that or be at a more stable point. Yet, I know comparing myself to others only detracts from my acceptance of where I am in my own life, something I am still struggling to come to terms with. I wish I could trust that things will work out, that I will find my place in this world, that I will find and reclaim my inner passion. I get a taste of this periodically, yet it seems that the littlest setback sends my emotions spiraling downward yet again.

Yesterday, I entered into that state of overwhelming depression, accompanied by the intense urge to binge. Though I did engage in some emotional eating, I found myself stopping, driven to do so by something stronger than the eating disorder. Though I know this was a triumph to not give in to the eating disorder, it's hard not to think that it's only a matter of time before this urge comes up again, and maybe this time I won't be as strong. It feels like a monster looming in the dark, just waiting for the inopportune moment to strike. I want so badly to overcome this, yet I feel like the littlest thing these days tips me over and knocks me down, making it harder and harder to pull myself back up each time. I am desperately trying to keep the faith and believe that I will get through this and I really do believe that, but the feelings of discouragement sneak up time and time again. 

Remaining positive through this phase in my life is all that I can try to focus my intention on, no matter how many times I slip back into the negative thinking or how tough it is to switch my outlook. As I shift my perception on this confusing time in my life, part of me sees it as a huge opportunity to learn, let go and trust that everything does and will work out. In less than a week, we are moving into our new home, the house we have rebuilt on the same plot of land where our house burned down in the Waldo fire last summer.

Another huge change and transition, moving back to where we used to live, seems so bizarre, exciting and a bit overwhelming. I can't even wrap my head around how it is going to feel living back there, in a completely different house. Another lesson in the concept of impermanence, the notion that the only thing that is constant is change and boy has that been ringing true this past year. This year, though I may not have consciously admitted how tough it has been to deal with these changes, has challenged me on all levels and I am still left wondering why.

It has taken all my strength to shift my focus and surrender to the deepest part of me that does trust this process, though it has been bumpy, challenging and a true test of how unsettling change still is for me. Yet I know that it is a feat each moment I shift toward the positive and focus on all that I am blessed with, the opportunity to work on myself during this transitionary period in order to work toward what I am really passionate about which is helping others. I know that each moment presents me with the chance to shift my thinking, to loosen the grip on the eating disordered thinking, to trust that everything will work out and to keep the faith that I will get through this and be stronger for it.    

Starting Over

The time has come for me to face the world. The time has come for me to face the fear of failure that

has been taunting me, eager to push me down for my deemed shortcomings these past couple of weeks. Where to begin?

After a mere 10 days at the ashram, I decided to leave. An urgency to get out overcame me the day I left, a pressing desire to be back home where I would be safe, safe from all the struggles that had been rising to the surface. Though I knew even at the moment of decision that this running away tactic, away from myself, would not do away with these internal struggles, the idea of being home, in a more freeing and safe environment felt like the best choice. I packed my belongings, said my peace to the kind and truly amazing people I had met and gracefully made my exit as best I could. Driving home, I felt as though the grass would be greener, that I would be better able to handle the increasing levels of depression and anxiety.

Come to find out, the struggle was just beginning. These past two weeks being back home, trying to again find my footing, my sense of grounding, I have felt as though the roller coaster of emotions has amplified. Being thrown back into reality and forced to face the world head on has thrown my recovery from the eating disorder into a bit of a tailspin. I have had relapses much more frequently than I have had in a very long time and it has jolted me to the point of feeling like I had hit a new rock bottom. I have experienced increasingly low levels of hopelessness, more intensely than I have had in quite a long time. Feelings of depression, discouragement, incompetence, inadequacy and feeling like I had failed rose rapidly to the surface. Did I really leave the ashram only to increase my levels of suffering and hardship? 

I have struggled to put into perspective the fact that maybe it really wasn't the right time or place for me to be at the ashram. Yes, it was a great opportunity to overcome these issues I've had but as I have come to find out, it doesn't take being secluded in a spiritual community to make these struggles rise to the surface. Is there some regret over wasting an opportunity like this? Maybe. 

But, when I go to the place of regret or guilt, I know I am only adding to my present distress. I can't change the decision I made, and what's done is done, so I am tying my best to look at this experience as just that, an experience where I tried my best. Leaving and deciding it wasn't for me or wasn't the right time does not mean I failed. It is what it is and to rehash this decision and wonder what if, does nothing but leave me with feelings of failure and regret.

So, the question is now what? How do I find my sense of direction when I have no idea what I am working toward? I feel as though I have no real sense of where to go from here, feeling lost and confused. No longer a student, safely secluded in the routine of classes, studying and social activities, I feel at a loss for how to find a new routine and schedule. Applying for jobs has been so overwhelming and discouraging to the point where I have struggled to hold onto the littlest bit of hope. Each day, I feel as though I am faced with the big question of, what am I going to do with my life? I've been putting so much pressure on myself to figure out my career move and to get my life together, that it has been spiraling me in just the opposite direction. 

With no feeling of control over finding a job, I have turned to the one thing that has been a crutch in the past: the eating disorder. And what has that left me with? More misery, discouragement, feelings of isolation, low motivation, hopelessness and frustration. Each time, I have engaged in behaviors, knowing all the while that this way of coping only adds to my emotional distress, yet the temporary numbing out and self-punishment acting as incentives to engage anyways. Once I have engaged in the binging and purging, I spiral downward into feelings of worthlessness, failure and scarily, even feelings of not wanting to live, at least not the life I am living now. 

So, what do I do then? I grasp onto the other tangible, controllable aspect I have to lean onto: exercise. Something that I have struggled to maintain a healthy relationship with has quickly manifested into a form of self-punishment and a means to give myself the sense of an illusory and temporary sense of control and compensation for the binging. Man oh man, is this cycle ever so exhausting. Each time I've made my way through the cycle: the restricting and controlling the food, obsessing over the calories and exercise, all fueled by the anxiety, rounding the corner into episodes of the bulimia, fueled by the depression and self-sabotaging intentions, I come out with even more resolve to end this cycle. 

I am fully aware of this cycle, am open about it to my family and friends, yet actually intervening and stopping this self-perpetuating cycle has been a challenge to say the least. I feel like all I have is this one thing, as miserable as it makes me. Yet, when I think of being free from it, letting it go and surrendering it, I feel as though I can do it, I can truly recover and boy do I want to. I am so tired of having to start over each day, yet I know that is all I can do. Do I wish I hadn't tailspun back into this mess? Of course. But I know berating myself does nothing but make me feel worse. 

All I can do is forgive myself, drawing upon the compassion and self-love I know I have within me. It is times like these when I need that grace the most, the willingness to forgive myself and let go of the judgment. So, here I am, pulling myself back up on my feet, giving myself any bit of grace and compassion I can muster, to let go of the harsh voice in my head telling me I have failed, that I am not worthy of this love. 

Yet, deep down I know I am. I know these feelings of worthlessness are nothing but lies, believable ones, but lies nonetheless. Vulnerable, exposed and imperfect to my inner critic's rigid standards, I stand with my head tall, dusting myself off, loving myself that much more for getting back up each time I slip, starting over and breathing into the moment, the opportunity to forgive myself and begin anew.

Facing Resistance

As I sit in my room at the ashram, rain spattering against my window and thunder echoing in the distance, I contemplate the storm that has been rising within me. This storm is one I am familiar with yet one I don't think I've ever faced head on.  Being at the ashram, in a whole new environment and rigorous schedule of meditation and seva, the instinctual urge to run away has been coming to surface, with the force of something I hugely underestimated.

The thoughts of leaving and returning home where I am comfortable existing in the thought patterns of my mind has been an extremely tempting escape plan. Today was my first official day off, a whole day to myself.  Feeling tired and a bit down, I retreated to my room after breakfast to take a nap. Soon enough, as expected, I was left wallowing in a dark cloud of negative energy, wishing desperately that I were elsewhere.  The dark cloud of depression momentarily overtook me, as I sunk deeper into this space.  The thoughts of regret of leaving something I had committed to, fear of what I would do if I did leave, the potential feeling of failure, letting my parents and the people here down, but mostly knowing I would be letting myself down in the end consumed me.

It has been a struggle dealing with these strong embedded feelings of wanting to distract or run away when things get tough. Being here, forced to meditate and encouraged to remain conscious and present throughout my day has been the biggest of challenges. My subconscious urge to numb out or go unconscious when I am existing in this negative space of anxiety or obsession over the food or exercise or being pulled into the thoughts of not wanting to be here have caused me to withdraw from the experience in the present and my interaction with others.

I keep questioning why I am here, why this is so hard for me and if this is the right time and place for me. A huge part of me wants to leave, but there is a voice within me that is saying that this is the opportunity of a lifetime and I would regret leaving so soon. This voice within me urges me to keep sticking it out for one more day.  All along, I've been trying to tune into my intuition, trying to find that wise voice within me that knows what's best for me.

Yet, I am struggling to hear this subdued voice.  I keep hoping in meditation, I'll receive that affirmative knowingness that either this is what I need right now and to just keep going or that this maybe isn't exactly the time or place for me at this point in my life.  Whatever the message is, I just wish I knew what to do. It's confusing, overwhelming, draining and terrifying not knowing if I am where I am supposed to be. Part of me knows I need to just take this experience for what it is or is not and let go of all expectations and the pressure I've put on myself to change. Another part of me wants to slap me across the face and tell me to suck it up, that I should be grateful for where I am at and the opportunity I have to grow and learn. The other part of me, the one that has seemed the most convincing, is the part that says it's too much too soon and that there are other ways to grow besides being secluded in an ashram community such as this.

All of these different thoughts and feelings, combined with the not knowing of what voice is the inner voice, the one that really does have my best interest in mind, are creating a lot of resistance within me.  This resistance is something I am not sure how to deal with.  There have been times when I have put into place the practice of tuning into my breath or repeating the mantras encouraged here and temporarily they help, but it seems just that, a temporary fix to a long-time problem.  The people here keep telling me that this is normal and it's all about strengthening the mind and creating new grooves with new, positive thought patterns but I wonder if this is even possible for me. I desperately want it but is that truly enough? Maybe this type of setting works for some people but maybe it doesn't work for me. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I am a lost cause and change is possible for only certain types of people.

I just wish it were easier to distinguish and tune into my intuition, trusting my gut instinct as to what to do. Feeling lost, confused, overwhelmed and not sure which way is up or even if I am headed in the right direction has been hugely prevalent these past couple of days. I keep wondering when this will get easier and the feedback I get is that it doesn't; you just get better at detaching from the thoughts and observing rather than getting sucked into the emotions. I wish this were more encouraging but all I hear is that it never gets easier and that it is something you are constantly working on.

Facing this shadow within me, the negative thoughts and feelings and not turning to food or exercise are the areas I am trying to focus my energy on. Recognizing my tendency of the mind to convince me that I would be happier back home, or working, or traveling, I realize this habit merely tries to keep me in a state of discontent with the present.  It is an illusion that my mind tricks me into believing is true, that if I only I were elsewhere, or doing something else, then I would feel better. I recognize this external attachment to basing my happiness and mood on my environment or my body.  I know happiness can only come from within, but knowing and actually feeling and living this is something I struggle with. Existing in the discomfort of resistance, the overwhelming feeling of being lost and confused and unsure of where my path lay, I know all I can do is take it one step, one breath at a time, surrendering to the experience, whatever shape, form or duration it may take.

A Day in the Life of an Ashram

It has only been three full days since I have been at the ashram but it already feels like I've been here for much longer. Waking up before the crack of dawn has been an adjustment to say the least. Each time I've heard the buzzing of my alarm, my body cries out in resistance, wishing it were elsewhere, free to sleep for just a few more hours.  Once I've gotten over my mini pity party of dragging myself out of bed, my hips and back sore from yoga and meditation the previous day, I grab ahold of the smallest bit of desire I can muster and gradually remember why I came here.

Each morning, I attend temple with the other staff and members of the ashram for a half hour of chanting in Sanskrit from what is called the "Guru Gita", an ancient Hindu scripture. Sanskrit is a foreignly beautiful, yet difficult to master language that has not come to flow off my tongue as quickly as the perfectionist in me would like.

After chanting, we sit for a half hour of silent meditation, which I thought would come a lot easier with my previous experience with it.  But, this morning, I found my knees and inner thighs were just not having it, probably due to the much more extended amount of sitting meditation I do here compared to back home.  Though it has been an adjustment battling the achy woes of my body, I am trying my best to be compassionate with myself.

After the morning practice, a mouth-watering breakfast is served. Without a doubt, the food here is the best food I have ever had.  All of their vegetables and herbs are grown here at the ashram and are not only so fresh tasting but delicious as well.  I've already noticed myself becoming more mindful around mealtime, really trying to savor each and every bite and slow down the process of sometimes mindless eating.

Between meals is "seva," or selfless service, which basically is how I am able to stay here for free.  In exchange for work, I am given food, housing and free access to yoga classes. My seva has consisted of cleaning the lodge, so a lot of sweeping, mopping, bathroom cleaning, laundry folding and general tidying up.  I have also been able to help out in the garden in the afternoons and learn more about the sustainability of the community.  It is encouraged to repeat mantras during work, which is basically a way to consciously bring awareness to the task at hand and bring presence to the breath.  The most common mantra encouraged is "Om Namah Shivaya", which translates to "I bow to Shiva." Shiva is the inner, true Self that dwells within us all.

Doing this mantra repetition has been an eye-opening experience thus far, as it gets me out of my head and pulls me out of the anxious ramblings of my mind. It also has made me aware of the pattern of my mind and desire to complete the project, whatever it may be, as quickly as possible.  When I've noticed this desire to rush through the task, going back to the mantra has helped to slow things down and bring my awareness back to the present.

In the afternoon, we are given a mere hour break of free time to either attend a hatha yoga class or do something else of our choosing.  I've mixed it up by doing yoga classes and going on a run or a hike.  This has been a bit challenging in choosing between the two, so I'm trying to alternate every other day. The obsessive runner in me has been a bit antsy but not as much as I expected.  I'm still trying to come to peace with giving up the "routine" of running for x amount of time each day and just be okay with the exercise I do get in.  The thoughts around food have lessened a bit as well, but I am still struggling to fully let go of the obsessive thoughts and just tune into what my body wants at a given moment.  I think I'm realizing how much effort and practice it takes to shift old patterns of habit, particularly strong ones like these.  But, I know all I can do is take it one day at a time and just keep moving forward.

Initially coming to the ashram caused a lot of anxiety within me.  I wasn't sure if I was doing the "right" thing by coming here or if the time was right. I still can't say exactly why I am here but I do know that this experience is going to be whatever it needs to be at this point in my life. I feel as though I have entered into another world here, an alternate reality if you will. The people here have formed a tight knit family of people who truly love one another and support each other along the path to God and inner enlightenment.  Most of the people have been living here for up to ten years or more. It's crazy, a bit intimidating, yet inspiring all the same to see that this really can be a lifestyle for those who truly desire and prioritize their inner growth.

It's still a bit overwhelming not knowing all the ins and outs of the ashram and the belief system but I have tried coming back to my intention before coming here, to be open to anything and everything.  I feel almost like a sponge, simply trying to absorb all the wisdom and knowledge from the elder staff.  And I know I can't expect to learn it all within three days, but I do want to get all I can out of this experience. Within the short time span that I have been here, I can say I've experienced the full array of emotions: the initial elation of coming here, frustration over the lack of focus and physical aches, confusion over why I am here and resistance to letting go of habitual thought patterns and behaviors.

I am still unsure of and a little resistant to the changes that I know are in store for me but I am trying to focus on letting this experience be whatever it needs to be and not get caught up in reasoning my way through it. So, here's to the next month or so of this journey I am on, a journey into the unknown, remaining present and open to whatever growth may occur, trusting that I am right where I need to be.

The Unknown

I sit here now, fingers hovering over the keyboard, unsure of where to begin.  These past few weeks have flashed by in a blur, leaving me feeling unsteady and off balance.  Phases of my life have come to a close.  Finishing up my internship in the town I called home for four years, packing up and moving back home and saying goodbye to friends and places I grew to love.  This ending of my college career was bitter sweet.  On one hand, it feels rewarding knowing my hard work paid off but on the other hand, I feel at a loss for where I am to go from here.

It has slowly begun to sink in more and more each day that I don't have a set "plan" for the next phase of my life.  Even though I am excited to explore and find my passion in life, I've been feeling overwhelmed and intimidated about where to begin.  I feel as though I've lost part of my identity as a student and have entered into this limbo phase, a phase I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable with.

The same fear has crept back up, consuming my thoughts.  The same record of "I'm not good enough" and the fear of failure have permeated into the forefront of my mind.  It's a feeling I know all too well, yet its grip on me feels stronger than ever.  I know that fear is such an illusion and to get caught up in it is to stifle any forward growth and progress but sometimes it feels like a downward spiral, one that feels too familiar to resist.  I want to be free of this fear, these old negative beliefs I have about myself and for the love of God, the eating disorder.

I desperately want to let go of this fear that keeps me stuck in the self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety and depression yet I don't know exactly how to do so.  I feel like I am aware of these negative patterns of thinking and behaving, yet the subconscious drive to remain in this state of being outweighs the desire to change.  I know from experience the exhilarating feeling when I consciously shift my energy to more positive and loving, but the habitual state of my being seems geared toward the negative.  My focus seems to more often than not, be on the problem areas in my life, the struggle, the lack of, and a feeling of discontent with the present moment.  Each time I find myself in a state of fear or anxiety, I know that it is the result of not remaining present in the moment.

When I am present and enjoying the moment for what it is, whether it be a good conversation, hiking, reading or biking, I can't help but feel momentarily free of the fear.  It is when I begin to get caught up in the fear-based thoughts of the food, the future, the past or anything that is unrelated to what I am experiencing at a given moment, that I get sucked back into this negative space.  And, this negative space is such a suffocating place to be in that it sometimes seems near impossible to pull myself out of it.

When I look at my life and all the reasons I should be happy, I feel utterly selfish for playing the "poor me" card.  I know that I am so unbelievably blessed and privileged to be living the life I am.  Yet, this feeling of discontent keeps surfacing and my mind always finds reasons not to be happy.  Whether it's feeling undeserving of happiness because I still see these flaws in me, mainly the eating disorder, or it feels normal to remain in this state of discontent.

Yet, when I look at all the opportunities that I have been given, I can't help but feel grateful for all the good I have in my life.  Tomorrow, I will leave to go stay at an ashram for a couple of months doing a work/study program where I will stay for free, attend meditation and yoga sessions, in exchange for work.  I have been looking forward to this opportunity ever since I got accepted a month ago and I know only good is going to come from it.  I have always wanted to be apart of a spiritual community like this, to deepen my yoga and spiritual practice and to really get down and dirty with this negative belief system I still carry with me.  It's not going to be easy adjusting to the strict schedule and sinking into a whole new routine but I also know that this is what I need right now.

I need to connect to my soul, my passions, to Spirit and let go of this attachment to fear and anxiety.  It is far overdue.  I can't say I know entirely what to expect from this experience but I do know that in order for there to be growth, I must maintain an open heart and mind.  I cannot get caught up in the fear of the unknown or the fear of change because resisting will do nothing but prevent me from being present and fully appreciative of this amazing opportunity.

Entering into this next phase of my life, into the unknown with ease and embracing the inner and outer changes that await me is what I know I need to do.  I feel as though this tide of change couldn't have happened at a more opportune time but I still feel myself resisting, unable to fully let go and surrender to the up and coming experience.  And maybe change will never feel comfortable, easy or natural.  It is changes like this, the ones that induce the most fear within me, that I know need to happen in order for there to be growth.  

So, I sit here now, acknowledging the fear, the resistance, the uncertainty.  And I consciously try to shift this energy and my focus to surrendering to what is to come.  As I enter into the unknown, unsure of where it will lead me, I relinquish to Spirit the fear and let go of any expectations of what this experience will look like.  I know only good awaits me, but I also know my tendency to ward off the good that comes my way.  To open my heart, to truly let all the good, the love into my life and trust in the unknown is a gift I know I have within me, a gift I must accept.

So, I rely on my desire to change, to grow, to learn and surrender and open myself up to life, knowing that this desire is a spark that I pray will push me forward into flowing with life instead of struggling upstream.  Tomorrow, I retreat to this spiritual community to shine a light on these shadow parts of me, to rediscover my inner source of light and love, to surrender and let go of all that binds me, trusting that all is well and all will be well, even in the darkness of the unknown.  

The Shadow of Fear

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole."
-Carl Jung

Fear, anxiety, depression, shame, despair, imperfection, dishonesty. These are the negative thoughts and feelings that have been creeping up into my conscious awareness, threatening to rear their ugly heads.  

This is my shadow, the parts of me that I have tried time and time again to run away from. But it seems that the further I run, the more intense they appear, screaming at me to pay them mind. Each time I try to ignore their presence or don't fully allow the unwelcome feeling, I wind up in a state of inauthenticity. I have been feeling fearful, moreso than usual, trying to control the food and exercise and obsessing about the seemingly minute details of day to day living. But is it really about the food or exercise? Or is it about the fear of losing control that I am afraid of?   

I know I am afraid to trust my body, to surrender to its innate knowingness because for so long I've replaced these hungry and fullness cues with the rigid food rules. I am so afraid of letting go of these rules, though I know they are not serving me, my health or my overall well-being and happiness. But they are what I know. They are the habitual thoughts I am used to. To think and act otherwise and to give up that control still seems so foreign to me.  

I logically know that my relationship with food is still warped, and somewhere along the line my mind took over the reins of telling my body what it did and did not need. A disconnect was formed and since then, I have ironically been using the thoughts to bridge that divide though, I know it is my body I remain disconnected from. My relationship with food, exercise and my body has typically revolved around fear and control. I know this through years of therapy and introspection, but mostly through the times when I am so wrapped up in the eating disorder, whether in the restrictive mindset or in the binge mentality. To recognize and be aware of this vicious cycle is one thing, but to change it is something completely different. 

I'd like to say that I have shifted into more of a state of love, compassion and trust, especially toward myself. And I know I've felt these states of being more than I ever have before in my life, but my shadow pulls me back into its tight grip time and time again. Maybe this is the duality I've heard about...you can't know the light without knowing the darkness. To be in a state of light and love is our soul's natural state of being, but we are human aren't we? I think I've come to find it really isn't about getting rid of the bad, shameful or immoral qualities. Maybe it really is about just coming to a state of awareness and acceptance of these parts of us, our shadow, and being vulnerable to these parts.   

My shadow is the eating disorder, driven by the fear that permeates into my day to day life. We all have things we are afraid of. For me, it's losing the control over food and exercise and letting go of these habits. Though they do not serve me, they are what I know.  Letting go means to immerse myself in the unknown, praying and trusting myself fully and completely. For so long, I've been afraid....of failure, of not being good enough, of imperfection. And what has this fear brought me? A state of dis-ease and constant struggle against these fearful thoughts and beliefs. At a young vulnerable age, I learned how to deal with these fearful thoughts....of not being accepted for who I was, of not being good enough.....by turning to food. The food temporarily gave me control over something, though the dark, lonely side of the eating disorder soon casted out the comfort it gave me.

When I think of fear, the "fight or flight" mentality comes to mind. For me, flight is my go to. When fear arises, or when things seem too overwhelming or unmanageable, I run as fast as my feet will carry me, usually into the arms of the eating disorder, whether through the restricting, the binging or the overexercising. I choose avoidance at whatever cost, usually the cost of my peace of mind and sanity. I know that the times when I have faced my fears....going abroad, putting myself out there, talking to a stranger, doing things out of the "routine".... have been exhilarating moments. But then the moment passes and I am back to living in the bubble of fear I am used to.

I am so exhausted and tired of living in this fear and living in this world dictated by food and exercise.  What kind of life is that really? I need to let this go once and for all and to really start living out the life I know I was meant to live, loving myself unconditionally, no matter how "good" I ate or how much I exercised that day, accepting those times when I'm feeling fearful, depressed or lonely.  Running away from these feelings is not the answer, but to keep fighting the fear is exhausting nonetheless.

I know I need to let go and surrender the struggle. I need to let go of the eating disorder and the fear and move forward into the unknown.  For in the unknown, I know I will find the life I've wanted to live, free of the negativity and fear that has kept me stuck. Letting go and surrendering to what may come is scary for me but to live in such a bubble of fear and comfortable discomfort is stifling my spirit. When I think about surrendering and trusting in what is to come, my spirit is elated, almost jumping in glee at the thought of taking over the reins from my fear-driven ego. My spirit, my soul is dying to be set free from this negativity and shadow of fear.

So today, I consciously choose to love myself unconditionally on this journey of healing my inner wounds, recovering from the eating disorder and letting go of the burden of fear.  Moving forward into the darkness, I shine my light on the shadow of fear, letting go of all that binds me, surrendering to the imperfect perfection of each moment, loving myself and freeing myself from the darkness of my shadow.