Overcoming Anxiety

Have you ever wondered what it is about fear that penetrates into our everyday lives?  Have you ever wondered how to overcome this fear, this anxiety that keeps us stuck in old habitual negative patterns of thinking and behaving?  If you're predisposed to anxiety like myself, you may have asked yourself these same questions.

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to attend an incredible workshop with my family.  Led by Jim Vassallo, who was featured in Yoga Journal in 2006, this workshop revolved around the discussion of the origins of anxiety as well as how to implement practical tools to overcome this anxiety and fear that is so pervasive in our society today.

A group of about 12 gathered and we began by sharing some of our own fears.  Many of these fears revolved around the future, money and failure.  Coming from all walks and stages of life, it was eye-opening to see that at their core, all anxiety comes from a similar fear and a lack of faith.  Jim began by discussing the origins of anxiety by outlining nine different sources and explanations of each:
       
             1. Fear- the only way to overcome fears are to face them.
             
             2. Lack of Action- fear prevents action.  We need to get rid of anxiety by taking action (can be      
             as simple as going on a run, taking a walk, journaling, meditating, doing yoga, talking to a
             friend...anything proactive to rid the body of the physiological effects of anxiety).
             
             3. Toxic Environment- whether it be a stressful job, an unhealthy relationship, or just negative
             environments, we feed off of what we are surrounded by.  Even if we have the will,
             our environment is stronger.
           
             4. Being "here" but wanting to be "there"- in essence living in the future instead of the
             present, always doing and working toward something instead of enjoying the simplicity and
             beauty of each moment.  

             5. Trying to be someone we are not- in psychological terms this can be referred to as
            dissonance (when who we are doesn't line up with how we're living our life).

             6. Childhood Experiences- most if not all of us have had some sort of traumatic experience
            of varying degrees that we have subconsciously repressed.  We must revisit and release them.

             7. Duality: Ego identity vs. True identity- the ego identity is along the lines of "I am a
             student, a teacher, a perfectionist, a wife, a mom, a hard-worker".  When you strip away this
             mask, we are left with who we really are: spiritual beings having a human experience.

             8. Adrenal Fatigue- the majority of Americans unknowingly suffer from this.  It is brought on
            by severe emotional stress coupled with nutritional deficiencies and result in the following
            symptoms: fatigue, nervousness, phobias, inability to cope with stressful events, food cravings,
            insomnia, food allergies and many others.

            9. Poor Diet- need I say more?

After discussing the origins of anxiety and of course sharing our experiences with each along the way, we then discussed the 12 steps to overcome anxiety:
         
           1. A steady yoga practice
          
           2. Many hours of solitude and meditation
           
           3. Keep a journal for self-study
           
           4. Find a good therapist or person to talk to
           
           5. Read spiritual books- the one you're supposed to read will find you:)
         
           6. Avoid toxic people and situations - if this isn't completely feasible, work to build up an
           invisible shield if you will to provide yourself with a protective boundary that the negativity
           cannot permeate into.
         
           7. Seek out like-minded people
          
           8. Take action!
           
           9. Simplify your life- get rid of the clutter!
       
          10. Get a sense of humor- don't take yourself or life too seriously...I have to keep reminding
           myself of this one:).
       
          11. Take control of your own health- make any needed diet and lifestyle changes.
       
          12. Find your true purpose- Align with who you really are and what your passions are.

The last tid bits of advice Jim gave us was to do what you love, which sounds easy but it's all too often we get stuck in the obligations of everyday life and the "to-do" list.  So make time to nurture yourself whether it's by going on a hike, a run, journaling, writing poetry, singing, whatever it is do it! This will help to release blocked energy in what he referred to as the "Nadis".  Lastly, when faced with a negative or stressful situation that may not be in line with who we are or when we are in a negative or challenging relationship we only have 3 choices: 
                         
                            1. Get out- if your happiness is suffering as a result and this situation or relationship
                            is just too much, you may have to simply leave the toxic situation or relationship.
                         
                            2. Try to change it - if you think the situation or relationship can improve and there
                            is still hope, do your best to change it.
                         
                            3. Accept it - if you simply cannot get out or cannot change it, surrender and
                            acceptance is the only option.  Always remember surrender is not weakness:).

A Return to Love

Searching, yearning for something more.
Looking to the world to fill the longing in my soul.
Thinking I would find the answer,
The answer to the emptiness I felt.

Rejection.
That is what the world gave me.
Why didn't they like me?
What was wrong with me?

I was looking for something.
Something to make me feel worthy, important, whole.
I turned to what I thought would be a safe haven.
The voice told me it would save me, protect me from the harsh reality of the world.

Empowered, in control, strong.
It gave me everything the world did not; security.
Control the food, the voice said.  This is all you have.
Mold your body.  This is your worth.
Love based upon conditions, external factors determined my worth.

Searching, yearning for something more.
Looking to the world to fill the longing in my soul.
Feeling defected, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough.
Attaching myself to these beliefs.

Looking to the world for love,
Coming up empty handed, rejected for who I was.
Where was this love I knew existed?

A journey away from love, away from myself.
The love and light within growing dimmer and dimmer.
Losing sight, losing myself.

The food gave me what the world could not.
Comfort, control, release, escape.
Escape from the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness.
But the escape was always temporary.

The longing in my soul has beckoned me to hear its call.
Whispering, nudging, hoping I'd hear its pleas.
You are good enough, you are lovable, the gentle voice said.
You are more than your body, more than the negative beliefs you harbor.
Only you have the power to change.

A journey back to love, back to myself has begun.
Slow and arduous it has been, a non-linear process.
Growing and learning each day, relearning how to love unconditionally.
Falling back in love with myself, relinquishing the control.
Learning to trust, to believe in myself, in the natural unfolding of life.

This journey has not been easy.
It has been the toughest path I've walked.
Yet, an imperfectly beautiful, empowering one at that.

The external world no longer holds the key to unlock the love within.
Infinite and flowing, this love exists within us all,
Waiting to be sought out.
Returning to this love, we find the answer to all life's questions:
The source of love is within.

Upon entering this world, we are full of infinite love.
Until one day we are conditioned to fear.
To safeguard this love, to lock it away and throw away the key.
But this love never abandoned us.
It never stopped seeking us out.
We must now listen to its call.

Searching, yearning for something more.
Turning my gaze inward I finally see.
The truth. The answer. The missing piece.

It is a journey we must all take, one of courage, determination and perseverance.
To choose yourself over anyone else is the greatest gift.
Falling back in love with the real you is where it all begins.
Taking the leap, trusting what is and letting go of the beliefs holding you back.
The journey is just beginning,
Starting with you and me;
A return to love.

Surrender

These past couple of days have been some of the most eye-opening, soul-reviving moments I've had in a while.  I feel like I'm finally beginning to make and see changes in myself as a result of this ever-striving conscious effort to face these internal struggles of mine.  

A relationship I had truly invested my heart into came to an end, a bittersweet loss of someone I truly care about.  Yet, as difficult as this was to do, I intuitively knew that it was not fulfilling the longing in my heart nor in my soul.  Transitioning from this ending, my heart has been beckoning ever closer, nudging me to surrender to its call.  I feel like I am at a pivotal moment of choosing, to continue down the path of self-perpetuating negative beliefs and behaviors that do not serve me, or to start listening to the call within me, to direct this energy into healing myself and reconnecting with my spirituality, surrendering to God, to Spirit.

For so long, I've fought and struggled for the control over myself, my behaviors with the food and the exercise, struggling constantly with the anxiety, trying desperately to keep it at bay.  A strange shift is occurring though, and I'm finally starting to prioritize myself, my happiness and my deep-held values of health, balance, connection and spirituality.  This isn't to say the controlling, anxious thoughts have gone away, yet I feel as though my attachment to them is weakening each day I redirect to positive, self-serving ones.  

Though the urge to turn to food still surfaces, my conscious choosing in not doing so has dramatically increased.  I feel more aware of this choice I have, one we all have, to direct our energy into these addictive cycles or to consciously take a step back and recognize what we are really craving.  For me, when I turn to food, I am really looking to surrender to something, to loosen the control I have, to temporarily fill this void, this longing within me.  

Yet I am beginning to realize that whether it is food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, what have you, these external attachments merely symbolize our innate desire for escape from the sometimes harsh, negative world. When I subconsciously choose to turn to food, what I am really doing is misdirecting my energy.  As odd as it may sound, considering the societal view of addictions as weakness, I really think regardless of the misguided energy, they are truly a source of power and determination to get what we want and to get it now.  

When I realized this, it was like a whole new perception of the eating disorder came into my mind's eye.  I am beginning to recognize this power within me and redirect it toward healing myself and reconnecting within, instead of self-sabotaging my health and happiness.  I'm beginning to realize that the food is truly an empty avenue into fear, depression and lack of presence.  In a way, I feel like the eating disorder, or any addiction or attachment is the soul's way of getting our attention and waking us up to start living out our true life's purpose, to listen to the calling and passion within us all.

We all have unique, amazing gifts and once we start incorporating them into our lives and really let our souls sing through whatever expression it may be, a strange yet natural shift happens.  Old habits and addictions slough off and we begin to flow with life instead of fighting upstream.  When we surrender to our calling and consciously listen to our heart our life takes on a whole new meaning.  

I find myself going through this shift currently, literally being awaken out of sleep with persistent nudging epiphanies.  I feel this calling in my soul to create a group where soul-minded individuals can come together to meet and discuss spirituality, to meditate, and to support each other through authentic and vulnerable sharing of our stories and struggles.  I foresee this group serving as a sanctuary for those who like myself, are on this spiritual journey back to ourselves, back to our natural state of love.  As I am about to graduate, I feel this desire growing and growing, recognizing my soul's calling to create my own field of work if you will.  Who knows where this path will take me and as scared and vulnerable as I feel putting myself out there, I know that this is something I cannot ignore.  

I do not know what the end result will be or even the exact details of how things would go, but I do know and trust on a soul level that this is something I truly desire to do.  I want to create this space for people to come and take this journey alongside me, to direct our energy into positive, loving and nurturing thoughts and practices to encourage one another in our own unique journeys.

It is a journey I am committed to, a journey of questioning, awakening and ultimately surrendering.  When we begin to really listen and surrender to the call within us, we find something we never thought we were looking for: ourselves.  This journey back to ourselves, the real us, the constant, all-loving eternal part of us, is truly a life-long one but one we must take in order to find what we are looking for, the love, the bliss, the vivacity within us all that is simply waiting to be awakened.        

Cultivating Hope

In light of the horrific Boston marathon bombings and the shooting at the 4/20 rally in Denver, my heart grows heavy by the gravity of the impending chaos.  I feel myself overcome with fear, unsure of what is to come.  Fear and violence is beckoning at our doorstep, threatening to overcome us with its unrelenting force.

I sit here now, contemplating the state of affairs of our nation, our compromised freedom.  Fear and sadness enveloped into one threaten to consume me as negativity sweaps into my mind.  Who is responsible for all this violence and evil?  My guess is as good as yours.  The fact of the matter is evil is at work within our very own country, the land of the supposed free and the brave.

Our innate rights as citizens and living breathing humans are blatantly being threatened but sadly most are too distracted, too blind to see the reality and gravity of the situation.  I could sit here and write about the need for raised awareness but all that I would succeed in doing is spreading the fear that already permeates into the hearts of most.

So, instead I will muster all the energy and all the positivity within me to shed light on these dark times.  Yes, the world is turning into a scary place, but in my heart, I know there is always hope, no matter how abysmal the evil may be.  As cliche as it may sound, the battle for good vs. evil, light vs. dark is beckoning ever closer to our doorstep.

Yet, there is always a choice.  The choice to be consumed by the hate, the greed, the negativity or the choice to keep pushing on, living and loving that much more.  The moment we allow ourselves to be consumed by the negativity, the fear, is the moment they win.  The second we walk down this path into the shadow is the very moment we give up our power.

Though we may not be able to directly control what others do or mediate the evil choices and actions of others, we always have full and complete control over ourselves.  All we can do is take back the power that is innately ours, take back the freedoms that we all deserve as human beings.

I can sit here and dwell on the negative, dwell on the fear and hatred that is definitely a reality of this harsh world, or I can choose to focus on the good, the love that is still there, waiting to be awaken in the hearts of many.  All any of us have control over is our own thoughts, our own actions, whether they be guided by hate or love is up to us.  It all starts within each of us, each day, each moment, a point of choosing between negativity and the love that I truly believe is the common thread between us all.

We must cultivate this hope more now than ever before and in doing so, the good in all of us will rise up.  Whether this confrontation between good and evil results in mass destruction and chaos is up for question, but within my hearts of hearts I truly believe in the end, love will prevail.  We are at a pivotal point in our evolution and it is seriously up to all of us, individually and communally to come together and let our voices be heard.

To shy away in fear or to numb out would be the greatest tragedy of all.  In doing so, they've already won.  The choice is ours and now is the time to cultivate the hope, the love within ourselves to come together and take a stand for our right to life, freedom and happiness.  I ask all of you to not be bogged down by the violence, the hatred, the greed, for this is merely the shadow of humanity.  To give in is to give up our power to choose love instead of hate, light instead of darkness, positivity instead of negativity.  Today, I ask of you to cultivate hope with me at this pivotal time in the evolution of humanity, trusting that in the end, love will prevail.    

Bridging the Gap

Easing into my meditative self-led yoga session tonight, I began to ponder a seemingly intangible and unanswerable question.  How do we go about bridging the gap between our true potential in life and the self-defeating habits that block us or keep us stuck?  




The realization that I have gradually come to is that none of us is afraid of who we cannot be but rather of all that we can and already are.  We are all spiritual beings, capable of boundless and infinite love but the majority of our lives is spent with little awareness of this fact.  We search and search outside of ourselves to fill the void, to fulfill some need or desire, but ultimately we are searching outside of ourselves for what only resides within.  




Though we may find something, whether it's in food, relationships, work or money that may temporarily fill this void, it does not last.  We all know this, whether intuitively or not.  We all have these "bad" habits, subconscious and ego-driven desires and addictions.  

For me, this addiction has been to food mainly, the self-soothing, self-comforting escape from reality.  This almost innate instinct of mine to turn to food in times of stress, anger, sadness, anxiety and even happiness almost instantaneously coincides with the urge.  It is a feeling of powerlessness brought on by the intense and overwhelming urge to engage in the behavior. 

I am beginning to become more and more aware of this almost programmed, conditioned nature of mine to turn to food when these emotions become unmanageable.  Having gone to years upon years of therapy, I am finally able to pinpoint what I have taken away from all the money and time spent analyzing my pattern of thoughts and behavior.

As a result of environmental and genetic influences, I learned early on to turn to food to deal with any sort of intense emotion.  Never learning the proper, effective and healthy way of coping with these feelings, I reached outside of myself to some tangible thing I could rely on.  This habit of behavior ingrained into my neural connections, forming a strong association between emotions and food.  

But before I get in too deep about my past, I think it is safe to say that the majority of us can relate to this pattern of addiction, in one way or another.  In whatever shape, form or flavor it comes in, the majority of us are somehow stuck in some habitual self-defeating way of thinking or behaving.  

What I am beginning to look into now after having gained insight into these subconscious urges of mine, is how do we go from being aware of these tendencies to actually changing them?  How do we bridge this gap between awareness of these self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors to replacing them with self-serving ones?

I am fully aware that a convincing subconscious belief of mine is the "I am not good enough" or "I am unlovable or unworthy" and that I need to somehow prove my worth.  I am also aware that the subconscious behavior of mine to turn to food arises in times when I need this temporary self-soothing feeling it gives me.  Yet, I also intuitively know that the food is not what I am truly after.

It is not the external things we so desperately cling onto and reach for time and time again that give us what we really need or what we really desire.  We all on some level desire to feel that love, that compassion, that complete acceptance of all that we are.  Yet, I still struggle to know this, this truth on the deep, subconscious level.

I see these "flaws" of mine (the eating disorder, the incongruence between my health and my deep-held value of being healthy as well as the ever-present anxiety) and I get sucked into their poison.  Focusing on these "negative" qualities, I bury myself deeper and deeper into this hole.  Until, my intuition or my spiritual part of me, my authentic self finally gets through and is able to awaken me to my truth, that I am whole, that the real me does not need fixing.  We are all enough.  I am enough and you are enough.  In fact, we are more than enough.  

We have all this potential to love and be loved yet we are sadly more often than not preoccupied with the ego's distractive trap.  We are not afraid of our limitations but rather of our infinite potential.  Yet, as much as I try, my mind still struggles to intuitively accept this fact.  

Though on some level, I am aware, I am left to continue pondering the steps to take to bridge this gap.  For until this void is closed, I know I will remain stuck in old habitual ways of thinking and behaving, not fully able to accept all that I am or see that we all already have the tools we need to create the life we want and deserve.  

Perspective

Plumes of smoke billow above the foothills, just a mere ten miles from my house in Fort Collins.  Biking home from class yesterday afternoon, my eyes fixated on the plume.  Feelings of deja vu surfaced, bringing me back to the fire this past summer that destroyed my parent's home along with hundreds of others.

Feelings of uncertainty, unease and empathy all rolled into one mark the state of my being upon seeing this all too familiar sight.  My heart and thoughts intertwine with the evacuees', connected to them by similar, shared experience.  I not only feel linked through the feelings of dismay at the grave state of the ever-growing inferno but through the shared uncertainty among those whose homes are at risk.

The Galena Fire started around noon yesterday and the pace of its destructive path has been quickening every hour.  I could see the flames last night from my house, hauntingly flickering on the foothills.  Today, the flames have soothed to a cascading smoke, covering the sky in a milky haze.

After the Waldo Canyon fire this past summer, I knew I would never be able to look at a plume of smoke the same again.  The reality of this fact set in when I witnessed the billowing plume yesterday afternoon, instantaneously precipitating the unease that set deep inside my gut.

My heart in all its capacity goes out to those who have been directly affected, forced to leave their homes and wait, hoping for good news but preparing for the worst.  I can not only relate as a fire victim myself but as a part of this community, this state who has single-handedly witnessed the destruction these fires can cause, powerless to stop the course of nature.

My state of emotions has been up and down, alternating between fear and unease to empathy for the direct victims, to anger and finally to acceptance of the reality of the situation.  Upon hearing word of the fire in class yesterday, my mood shifted to fear and unease.

Distracted by the latest news, I tuned the professor out lost in thought until he made a snarky comment.  In all his ignorance, he made light of the situation, laughing it off as a little "second-hand smoke", not fully knowing the effect his comment would have.  I immediately felt anger boiling up at the fact that he was making light of such volatile circumstances.  He had absolutely no idea that people's homes were at risk, probably due to the little to no effect this fire would have on him personally.

Eventually recognizing the anger for what it was, simply a reaction to someone's ignorance, I now shift again to attempt to cope with the reality of the situation.  We all know that fire, natural or not, is going to run its course no matter the extent of human intervention.  We can attempt to do all we can to prevent as much devastation as possible, but when it comes down to it, Mother Nature is going to run her course, regardless of our pleas.

Fire, unrelenting and unforgiving, adds a certain amount of perspective for indirect and direct victims alike.  Though it initially stirs up fear and unease, accompanied by anger and sadness for the loss of land, it instantaneously sheds light on the important things in life.  When news of the fire reached, I went from worrying about petty things, like worrying about the grade I got on my exams and obsessing about the food to worrying about the fate of the fire and its victims.

Since witnessing the destruction a fire can cause, I can relate to the feeling of not being able to wrap your mind around the gravity of the situation.  When a fire breaks out, all bets are off and all petty worries get placed on the back-burner.  It is at times like these when we all realize what really matters in life, not the silly obsessive thoughts, or worry about the past or the future, but about the love and growth and hope that is always there.

When death beckons, whether death of vegetation, a friend, or in the symbolic sense of death as a marker of change, it marks the inevitable shift into the new.  Though we may not always welcome the new, because it is more often than not marked by an ending of something, within time, our perspective shifts to that of acceptance.

But as much as I would like to say I am at the point of acceptance, I know realistically I am not.  I am still harboring unease, fear and some leftover anger over the state of things.  All the meanwhile, my heart pours out to the evacuees, and I mourn deeply for the loss of our beautiful land, hoping and praying that nature will run its course, with a sparing and merciful hand.

Conscious Vulnerability

It is 6 a.m. Monday morning and I am awake for no other reason than to silence and appease the pestering yet gentle voice urging me to write.  This desire has been nudging at me, encouraging me to sort through these feelings that have been surfacing the past 48 hours, the feelings I so often push aside or run away from in trembling fear.

Restless, some may say.  Yet, it feels different.  I feel alert, awake and not in the normal anxious way of feeling that I have grown so accustomed to.  I feel alive, with the growing inkling that I need to sort through these strange, foreign feelings.

Vulnerable.  This word appears momentarily in my streaming and fleeting consciousness.  As my mind sifts through the meaning in this word, fear arises.  To be vulnerable is to allow yourself to not only feel the emotions you're feeling at each given moment but to let others see this part of you, one of the many parts that truly makes us all human.

When I think of being vulnerable, consciously, deliberately, I think of words.  Words are the bridge to communication with the outside world, the door through which we connect to others.  For me, words have always come more natural on a sheet of paper or a computer screen, giving me the freedom to reflect.  The act of opening up and sharing my words with the world (or whoever reads this) is something that both empowers and scares me to death at times.

What will "the world" think?  Will they approve of me? Will they think less of me?  By sharing intimate details of my life, opening up that part of me that is so used to closing off, I find my empowerment.  To not write is to shut off and ignore the expressive and vulnerable part of me that yearns to have a voice.

So, I sit here, today, writing to whoever, writing for myself, proving to myself that vulnerability is not something to be warded off but something to be embraced.  As I sit here, wanting to share the happenings of my "inner life," my guard slowly starts to creep up.  Yet, to push past this bit of resistance, to confront this fear, is the only way to overcome it.

Last night, I engaged in emotional eating.  There.  I said it.  Sure, I didn't use the word "binge" and for some reason that word is scarier than most words I have written on this screen.  To say that I slipped, to admit to not only myself and the world this "weakness" is something I can't say I've fully come to grips with.  But, you got to start somewhere so here it goes: this is me, the real authentic, vulnerable Anna.

 I have shielded this part of me off from the majority of the world, letting only those I trust and know in to see these "damaged" parts of me.  But, I keep reminding myself that this blog is not for others, as selfish as that sounds, this blog is for me, my way of expressing and letting loose pent up emotions and ramblings of the mind (of which I have many).

The guilt and shame inevitably surfaced post-binge.  The irony in this next thought is self-evident.  Each time I slip or engage in emotional eating, I am fully conscious of my lack of consciousness and awareness during this temporary numbing out, comforting routine.  I check out only to check in moments later and be faced with the guilt and self-loathing.

Last night, I was feeling anxious (more so than the "norm" for me) and though I tried to eat calmly, mindfully, my attempts failed.  I was distracted, trying to do work and eat and not feel anxious all at the same time (the multi-tasking food triad).  Inevitably, I lost touch with hunger/fullness cues and chose instead to listen to the part of me that still gets some sort of momentary comfort and relief from the food.

Afterward, stomach aching and groaning, I noticed the guilt surfacing.  Yet, instead of being enveloped into the guilt-trip and berating myself, I found myself replacing this fear and self-loathing with self-love and compassion.  I was able to sort through the actual feelings: the anxiety, the guilt, the shame, and look at myself through the lens of a loving parent or close friend.

A strange shift happened.  I felt filled with self-love and something else so bizarre: gratitude.  In a way, though maybe not the most healthy or effective way, my overeating teaches me something each time I engage in it.  Each time it has happened, I feel less and less guilt and more and more able to learn from each slip-up.

Bringing this awareness of my trigger points, tuning into this cycle of obsess/restrict to binge/numb out, I find myself conscious of the fears I project onto food.  It is almost never the food I am "afraid" of, nor is it ever really about the food in general.  Underneath, there is always the precipitating emotion: the fear.

I felt anxious for many reasons last night, one of which being the fear of my own vulnerability.  Opening up to others, in such a way, as to show them everything I have, the "good" the "bad" is something I can't say I'm fully comfortable doing but I also know that the things I am afraid of are the things my conscious mind is telling me I need to confront.

Being vulnerable, consciously, deliberately is the only way I can find the heart and soul of who I am and where I am headed.  To feel the feelings, to share these feelings, to show the world my imperfections is the only way I know how to confront this fear.  I am me: sometimes I feel anxious, sometimes I engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, sometimes I get angry, obsessive, nit-picky, but to shut off and not show the world these parts of me is to continue to reject all that I am.

Each day, each slip up I have, each fear that arises, is an opportunity to learn more about myself, to truly discover and accept me and things as they are, judgment and obsessing aside.  So, today, I thank my eating disorder for shedding a light on my fears.  Knowing it has never been about the food is a realization I am beginning to fully see and feel.

This is me, vulnerable, unfiltered, putting it all out on the table, inhibitions aside.  Trusting the process, letting go of the worry, I begin to feel eager for the learning that is to come.  Each day, I am growing closer to overcoming the eating disorder, binge or no binge, and each day I am confronting the fears I have pushed aside.

Vulnerable, conscious, living, breathing, learning, growing.  Empowerment, transformation.  Mindful of where I am physically and emotionally, I give gratitude for the love inside of me, filling me up.

This is me, the real authentic, vulnerable me and I for one can say, this is only the beginning of my conscious-focused efforts for mindfulness each day, each moment, consciously vulnerable.